Improved
6116 HealthChanged
3787 LivesSaved
3570 Lives0 lives impacted in the last 24 hrs Learn More
We've been dating for over a yer now but in the last few months our sex has drastically decreased at first started to go down from at least 1-2 times a day for at least 5 months and then it went down to 1-2 times a week and then to 1-2 times a month and now it's been a month and a half since we've had sex. I've read a few articles about this allready, but none seem to fit my problem exactly. I was worried for a while that it might be me that was the problem and but he told me it wasn't and i know he wouldn't lie to me. I've asked him about it but he says theres nothing wrong. I just don't know what to do anymore. He's only a year older than me and he's suppose to be in hes prime. Is there anything I can do? I Haven't pressured him or anything because I dont want him to do it just to shut me up. I want him to want to. and I'm just not satistied anymore and im not asking for everyday, at this point once or twice a week would be nice. A far as I know there's nothing he's stressed about at work or school, could it be a cobination of the 2? or something else going on that I don't know about? and please keep in mind that im am searching for help and advice and I don't want to hear find a new boyfriend. I love him and im not leaving him, even if it means were not going to have sex anymore. But it's frustration for the time being as I find it a tad odd that I want it more than he does. and I don't really want to talk to any of my friends abotu it because I live in a small town and this is personal and I don't need everyone talking about it. and the last thing I want him to feel is embarassed. I havn't told anyone of my friends but I'm in need of some advice. Any Ideas?
All user-generated information on this site is the opinion of its author only and is not a substitute for medical advice or treatment for any medical conditions. Members and guests are responsible for their own posts and the potential consequences of those posts detailed in our Terms of Service.
Add a Comment1230 Comments
so i talked to my boyfriend...he trains for jui jitsu and has a physical job ...dont get me wrong i do put that in to cosideration as to why were not having sex as much hes tired you know but when i talked to him i was asking him maybe if he was stressed out about something and he says no so im kinda like well i guess thats not the reason so i guess hes just tired but because hes tired were just never gonna have sex ?? cause i mean he could at least make time for me on his days off or something i mean im not asking for much but it kills me when hes a sleep and i cant help but to lay up all night thinking i cant believe this shit again???? and he had the nerve to turn around on me when we talked about and said well i didnt relize thats all you think about that it mattered to you that much ...im sorry but it does matter to me once it been over a month i feel not loved by him i feel ugly i feel fat i feel sedpressed and im not a ugly person im no model but im not ugly i love him to death and i have lots of plans for us but do i put with this forever ...i thought maybe we might have sex since i talked to him two days ago and nope nothing maybe a lil more cuddling thats it ... so now what ???? please help
March 13, 2010 - 12:51pmThis Comment
Additional thought:
I was thinking that if he is not the best communicator, that he may be using this as a way to communicate with you.
I would assume that he knows you are upset about the lack of physical intimacy, and he may feel that your numerous kisses before going to sleep are not just "innocent, good night" kisses, but that they are "I need more from you" kisses. Please give him the "space" to be honest and tell you: "yeah---I do wipe off your kisses because I don't want you 'trying' anything, or expecting sex or cuddling or romance or any 'performance' or 'proof of my love' from me right now...I'm tired, don't feel like I can give you what you need, and that is my reaction when I feel like your kisses mean something more".
Of course, he probably won't be this upfront, but please give him the option to let you know if there is more meaning behind the "wipe", and that you are OK to hear it. Even if it is something as profound as this, there is no way to make it better unless you have all of the information. It could also be a reflex of his, with no meaning whatsoever, so be OK with this answer, too!
Perhaps to amend my previous script, instead of saying "are you grossed out by my leftover kiss", you could receive a better answer from him if you say, "...is this a reflex, too much chapstick or are you trying to nonverbally tell me that you aren't in the mood for anything more?"
Let us know how your talk goes!
March 11, 2010 - 1:20pmThis Comment
o and i didnt tell you i am 21 and he is 24 i didnt think i would be having these problems till we were a lil older .......did i meantion we didnt even have sex on valentines day :( i didnt relize i am not the only one going through this ...it helps knowing im not the only one but i am still hurting so bad
March 8, 2010 - 11:33pmThis Comment
i totally agree with you me and my boyfriend have been together for almost two years now and we used to have sex alot then it went to 1 or 2 time times a week then to maybe 1 a month and now its been about a month an a half just like you and i cant help but think hes cheating or hes not attracted to me anymore or im not exciting enough anymore i dont know what it is but i have talked to him about oit and all he does is laugh it off or just listen and say nothing i odnt believe he is cheating but its really messing with me mentally i just sit here and cry and put myself down im really hurting and i also need advice ...he told me when i first met him that i should know sometimes he doesnt want to have sex for a while but i payed no mind because at the time we were having sex everyday ...what happened to us i love him so much and im just so sad ?? what do i do we have so many plans i love him to much to just walk away
March 8, 2010 - 11:21pmThis Comment
every time my boyfriend and I don't have sex I lay in bed and cry, sex is love and to me it makes me think he doesn't love me. I am always the one who has to beg for it he's only 21 he should want sex all the time
March 9, 2010 - 11:21amThis Comment
From what read, No one of you are doing anything wrong, i think they are just having a hard time at work or school, they might be stressed.
Try talking to your boyfriend, and if he DID cheat on you, i hate to say it but MOVE ON!
You can get SO much better!
But also it might be that your boyfriend is now more concentrating at school/work, like i said before talk to him!
If he doesnt want to talk surely somethings wrong, but dont go like a maddog asking like whats wrong each day!In the end you will get an clear answer, hopely
Good luck to all of you girls wich are encountering this problem...
March 8, 2010 - 1:03pmIm just fine with my girl, 5 times a week.
Hey! dont blame me! she wanted it!
This Comment
i have the same problem im a gay male. my partner and i have been together for 2 yrs. i love him and i no he loves me. when we first started out the sex was about 2 or 3 times a week now im lucky to get it once a month. i dnt even get it on my birthday. he says he doesnt no y he dont want sex. i dont push for it because that will make him want it less. he says he just doesnt feel like it. HELP!!!
March 8, 2010 - 3:22amThis Comment
I am in a similar situation. I've been dating my boyfriend for 1.5 years and it seems like he doesn't want to have sex anymore. We used to have sex all the time, he used to actually enjoy hanging out with me and now we never have sex. The last time was around thanksgiving 2009. He never goes anywhere with me alone. Some one else always has to be there. I keep tryin to talk to him about things but he always gets mad cuz I think he's cheating on me but I kno he isn't and he gets mad that he has to keep reassuring me he's not but its driving me crazy. Even when I bring up not having sex or when I try to talk about things we used to talk about all the time, he gets mad or is uninterested in hearing wat I have to say. I love him or atleast I think I still do. He used to be an awesome person but everythings just been going down hill. I don't kno wat to do anymore. I miss the way things used to be.
March 2, 2010 - 2:07pmThis Comment
Hey all,
Not sure if this was mentioned in any of the comments, and if it has I apologize for repeating it.
I strongly believe that he is NOT cheating on you ("you" being the original person who submitted this post). Men and women alike when commiting adultery/infidelity show signs of their mischeviousness. They act different and if anything their sex drives INCREASE rather then decrease. A sure signal of something is going on is when his/her sex drive increases out of the blue. Unfortunately its not because of you they want sex because when they are having sex with you, they are thinking of the other person they are cheating on you with. Its a way to "make due" until they have the chance to be with that person again.
The beginning of relationships don't count as him/her possibly cheating on you. You are both new to each other and exploring each other as much as possible so of course the sex drive is fantastic at first. Eventually the sex drive tends to deplete after you both have become comfortable with each other.
All men are different and if your guy is extremely busy, it could be that sex is the last thing on his mind. The joys of stress.
His low sex drive could be a sign of depression. Sex drives can cease to exist with people who are depressed. Depression is not easily noticed with men. They hold everything in and make on that everything in life is fine. Thats how they are mentally built from the day they were born. To men its a sign of "weakness" and will deny being depressed until proven.
There are many different factors sweetie and I doubt it's because he is cheating on you.
The lack of communication with him is what is hurting you the most. Men will not openly fess up what is wrong. Again, to them they feel weak if they show any kind of emotion or speak of their feelings. Its a man's human nature.
There are ways of prying out information without looking like the "whiney, needy nag". Being assertive and talking with him to express how your feeling about your sex life is easier said then done. Sex is a very touchy subject and to learn the skills of being able to discuss it with your boyfriend is no easy task.
My best suggestion is to write a letter to him explaining how you feel (without pointing the finger by blaming him for the reasons you are unhappy). Writing him a letter is much easier to get out everything you need to say without being interrupted or a full blown arguement erupting.
Give him your letter and allow him to read it alone. Do not give it to him on his way to work or school as it will cause unneccessary stresses. Give it to him when he is home and give him space to read it. Ask that he reply with whatever he is feeling in a letter back to you.
Once you get the letter, you read it alone. Let it sit in, read it again over and over again before making any hasty judgements. Try to understand what he is saying and accept what he has to say. No matter what he has to say, you have to accept it because remember, he also had to read what you wrote him and he had to accept what you had to say.
Once you had enough time to soak in what he had to say, talk to him.
Writing a letter first is an ice breaker and it allows you both to get out everything you been meaning to say, but hard to say to each other face to face with out interruptions.
This can open a whole new window of communication.
I hope it works for ya.
March 3, 2010 - 5:42pmThis Comment
hi, i have tried all of this already.
December 8, 2010 - 1:26pmbecause i felt it would be easier to talk to him by writing on paper because we wouldnt be getting in each others faces. But when i give him the letter he doesnt want to read it. so i told him that i would really apriciate it if he read the letter. so then he finally reads it. Then when he rights back he writes one stupid sentence----> "babe go get me a pepsi"....then he laughs like its funny. He never wants to communicate with me on a serious level. He does everything just to avoid it. I try so hard to be calm and patient with him. but i am about to lose it because he wont give in. we have not had sex or been affectionate in over a year now. I still feel that spark for him but he doesnt seem like he is into me sexually anymore. He has commented on how i look great after having our son.
I just dont know what else to try. i have gotten so much advice from people and it seems as if i have tried everything. we get along just fine other than the fact that he is not affectionate. I try to be affectionate twards him and he just pushes me away and laughs. I dont know what else to do.
This Comment