Improved
6116 HealthChanged
3787 LivesSaved
3570 Lives0 lives impacted in the last 24 hrs Learn More
We've been dating for over a yer now but in the last few months our sex has drastically decreased at first started to go down from at least 1-2 times a day for at least 5 months and then it went down to 1-2 times a week and then to 1-2 times a month and now it's been a month and a half since we've had sex. I've read a few articles about this allready, but none seem to fit my problem exactly. I was worried for a while that it might be me that was the problem and but he told me it wasn't and i know he wouldn't lie to me. I've asked him about it but he says theres nothing wrong. I just don't know what to do anymore. He's only a year older than me and he's suppose to be in hes prime. Is there anything I can do? I Haven't pressured him or anything because I dont want him to do it just to shut me up. I want him to want to. and I'm just not satistied anymore and im not asking for everyday, at this point once or twice a week would be nice. A far as I know there's nothing he's stressed about at work or school, could it be a cobination of the 2? or something else going on that I don't know about? and please keep in mind that im am searching for help and advice and I don't want to hear find a new boyfriend. I love him and im not leaving him, even if it means were not going to have sex anymore. But it's frustration for the time being as I find it a tad odd that I want it more than he does. and I don't really want to talk to any of my friends abotu it because I live in a small town and this is personal and I don't need everyone talking about it. and the last thing I want him to feel is embarassed. I havn't told anyone of my friends but I'm in need of some advice. Any Ideas?
All user-generated information on this site is the opinion of its author only and is not a substitute for medical advice or treatment for any medical conditions. Members and guests are responsible for their own posts and the potential consequences of those posts detailed in our Terms of Service.
Add a Comment1230 Comments
Hi Kayleigh,
If you can read 40 pages of posts on this exact subject, you will know that your not alone. There can be so many different reasons for the lack of sexual interest that it would be hard to pinpoint the exact reason.
Do you think he is cheating? Is he overly stressed? Depressed? Have you talked to him about this? Do you think he is addicted to pornography? Is it maybe sexual dysfunction problems on his side?
There are so many women that have been in your situation but while trying to figure out the reasoning behind his lack of interest is making sure you do not fall prey to your own depression, feelings of inadequacy and so forth. You have explained that you are already feeling that way.
Talking to him is best to try and figure out why his interest has dissolved or is less satisfying to you. After all, this is not a selfish question. Ask! Do you question his faithfulness?
March 13, 2010 - 11:12amThis Comment
thank you for your reply. i believe he is faithful to me but i think also that my feelings may drive him to cheat. it is really hard to snap myself out of wondering where he is,who he is with etc and even when i am out i wonder if he is straight on the computer watching porn!! i know it is stupid for me to feel this way but he acts like he doesn't care anymore.I get looks from men and its the only confidence boost i get (how sad is that!!)i can't help but feel like he should appreciate me a bit more. i keep my body in shape and know i am not repulsive but recently i cant look in the mirror and think of anything nice looking back. i don't want to leave the house...even with him as i feel every single girl is prettier than me....it's a strange place for me to be in at 21!! i should be out partying not living like this. i never had a self esteem problem until now...not like this.
he says he goes through 'phases' with the urge to watch porn but i have yet to see a 'phase' when he is interested in me. i try not to nag because i don't want to push him away but when i know he has been watching porn and i am going without it really hurts. he has seen me break down in tears because of how inadequate the comment of 'looking for something new' made me feel and i know he was sorry for that but it hasn't stopped him carrying it on. he is just more careful to delete the computer history!!!
when i try to talk to him he says i am paranoid and jealous but i just want a simple answer as to what i can do to get him interested again......he just sulks and wont talk to me. and then makes me feel bad about making him feel bad..........so confusing.
i know i am not the only one and when i found this site i cried on seeing how many women are feeling the same pain i am right now. MEN!!!!!!!!!!!!
March 13, 2010 - 12:37pmThis Comment
i have been with my boyfriend for over two years. i am 21 and he is 34. when we first got together we had sex 3-4 times a week and very quickly it went down to once or twice. nowadays i am lucky if i get sex once every few weeks and even then it's usually me that has to suggest it! I know he watches porn a lot but i cant understand why , if he feels the need, does he not have sex with me? i know i have not physically changed so it's not my looks that turn him off....maybe it's something else. i once asked him why he watches porn and he said 'i was looking for something new' i feel really let down and now have developed jealousy when he flirts or even talks with other women. my self-esteem has completely been shot and i don't know what to do. i feel for every woman in this situation because it is a confusing place to find yourself in. i love him but i start doubting now that he feels the same way just because of sex.........surely it shouldn't matter that much to me?? if someone can help by telling me this is normal or that i am just crazy please do x people say guys watching porn is natural however should it be done when he is ignoring his girlfriends needs and satisfying his by watching fake women making fake noises instead of being in bed with the woman he claims to love?? PLEASE HELP x thank you
March 13, 2010 - 8:51amThis Comment
Ok my situation is not good. My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over a year. We used to have sex almost every day, then it slowed down to 2 times a week. Currently, we have not have sex in 2 months. I am feeling so sexually frustrated that I don't know what to do. He does not really like to talk about it when I bring up the subject. Secondly, he has not told me "I love you" gosh I think by this time those three little words come out naturally. I am so confused now. Problem is ...he is so nice and I don't want to let him go. I have told him that I love him but he tells me he is not ready to say that to me yet.
March 12, 2010 - 11:39pmThis Comment
I am going through this exact same scenario. I feel so insecure about the way I look and I am constantly wondering what I am doing wrong. I feel very rejected because not only do we not have sex, but he is also always with his friends, taking calls in the middle of dinner, and acting as if I am something he has and doesnt need to do anything with until I look like I am leaving him.
March 9, 2010 - 11:41pmThis Comment
Anon,
I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. Why are you with this man? He is making it clear in every way that counts that he is not interested in being with you or having a fun and loving relationship with you. You are not intimate, and he makes you feel small. Why do you stay, Anon? Are you considering leaving him for real?
March 11, 2010 - 9:05amThis Comment
I have he same exact problem. We used to have sex like 3 times a day now it's down to 1 time a day. I have to beg him for sex, I find that odd, doesn't the guy want sex more than the girl? Last night I begged him until we had sex but I feel he only had sex to shut me up. He went to Arizona on February 26th through the 28th he came back around 1 in the morning on Sunday, and we had sex for an hour and a half, and he wasn't even done when we went to sleep, it was very passionate, he was being very affectionate telling me he loved me and that he wants to be with me forever, that lasted for 2 days, now the passion stopped, I can see on weekdays he's tired from work, but even weekends he doesn't want to have sex he goes to bed really early, I don't know what the problem is. He's 21 years old he should want to have sex all the time. Don't tell me to get another boyfriend or anything, i love him and want to be with him forever
March 9, 2010 - 11:14amThis Comment
ASpeas,
Have you talked with him about your feelings? Have you asked him what his ideal physical relationship would be (say, if he weren't tired, etc.), and then share with him what your ideal is? You two can intimately connect by talking about your intimacy; what your wishes are, what physical contact means to you, etc. If you both want the same thing...great! If you both want the same thing, but "real life" is in the way, then you can talk about ways to help each other create your mutual "ideal" physical relationship. And, if you both desire different things, then you can talk about how you can both meet (most) of each other's needs and/or compromise.
Please know...it is such a horrible myth that "men want to have sex all the time", just as there are equally harmful myths about women's sexuality. Believing in these myths only perpetuate stereotypes that men should be one way with sex, and women should be another way. If you believe in the male stereotype, then I would assume you would believe in the popular female stereotype: "women don't like sex." Obviously, that's not true for you, right?!
Men have different emotions, too, and to put them in a narrow box, assuming they always want sex, or should always be easily excitable, is not fair to them. Men are not sex objects, just like women are not, and can be tired, cranky, bored, cuddly, insecure, bloated/gassy...on and on...that would make them not exactly in the mood for a romp in the bedroom.
Talk with him, and really listen, about what he wants in his relationship with you in all aspects (including the physical intimacy), and you may really learn something about him! Also learn what other ways he enjoys being physically intimate with you besides intercourse and "performing"; he may feel that having sex with you means he has to perform and show you that he loves you. You can also think about other ways in which you can feel loved by him.
March 9, 2010 - 1:37pmThis Comment
I will talk to him, I don't want him to know I cry when we don't have sex. I had no idea that was a myth that women don't like sex, the thing that hurts me the most is when he's trying to go to sleep, I want to have sex to so i kiss him on the lips a few times and everytime I do that he wipes his mouth like I have cooties or something.
March 11, 2010 - 12:52pmThis Comment
That does change things a little I can feel the "sting" just from reading the words..him wiping his mouth after you kiss him.
I would definitely ask him about this, next time he does that. Since you are so upset about many different aspects of your physical intimacy with him, if you can start small, keep it to this one situation (do not make it a big confrontation before going to sleep, or mentally/emotionally bring in all the other past hurts), but just sincerely ask him (if you can: from a place of inner-strength when you are feeling strong and not wanting sex at that moment, so it can honestly be a "curiosity" question):
Try asking him:
March 11, 2010 - 1:12pm"I noticed you wipe off my kisses before you go to sleep, and it kind of hurts my feelings. Am I taking this the wrong way...is this a reflex, do I have too much chapstick on, or are you grossed out by my leftover kiss?"
This Comment