Asperger's Parents and Neurotypical Children

My undiagnosed AS mom does feel bad later on when she "wakes up" from her Mr. Hyde episodes, especially if, when she comes back to Dr. Jekyll, I yell at her and tell her that something she said hurt me. She will often try to "make up for it" in treats of one kind or another. It still doesn't feel like she empathizes, only that she wants to stay in people's good graces. She has told me that she has trouble feeling empathy because she doesn't want to get dragged down into the bad feelings of others. I believe that's due to the linear, one-thought-at-a-time mode of the Aspie. It's very hard for her to stand outside and stay strong for someone else who is suffering. I'm sure there are many degrees of the syndrome, and I believe she is slightly more aware (she's also a genius) than others. However, our world is still crazy.

Yes, have you considered a book? It is a great forum. Great idea! Surviving Asperger parenting is not that different from surviving child abuse except that the damage is done inadvertently-without intent. But in some ways that is also what makes it even more damaging. Usually abusive parents often apologetic and guilt ridden afterwards. They are aware of the damage they cause. The Aspie is oblivious. They don't experience guilt. They are mind blind and lack soul. A Guide for Survivors of Asperger Parenting.

I couldn't be more pleased. :)

Well, it probably makes her feel important and generous.

While the Aspie dx does explain so much,some things are still perplexing . Maybe someone out there has some insight. I'd like to understand.About a month ago my undx Aspie mother began her , annual, suggestions that she have thanksgiving at her house. By way of background, this women has been married for 50 years to an anxious successful husband who supports all her obsessions, is devoted to her and does not seem to notice things like the disgustingly messy household. He views her as the social one and relies on her social judgement (Susie, do you think we should bring something with us to dinner?" Oh no dear, it's not necessary" "Susie, the children are asking to go to the zoo. Do you think we should take them ever?" "No, dear its not necessary". Now fast forward to thanksgiving. She dislikes her offspring and their partners except one very aberrant Aspie son who lives across the country and who she has had no interest in even visiting for 20 years. They talk on the phone every day. Maybe she is comforted by distance or maybe the idea of a person is the same as actually seeing him so she has no need. Who knows. When she talks of thanksgiving she has no intentions of inviting him and I think she actively discourages him from ever visiting or seeing his other relatives. I always feel guilt that he is probably alone but she is clueless. Anyway she dislikes her own grandchildren and has a litany of reasons for it. This one did that and that one did not do this. She can rattle off these things about each. She says things under her breath that are heard by all around her-including the person who is the target of her criticism. She dislikes merriment, music, surprises, and makes it clear that what most people like are far beneath her. We have a small family and she has alienated the inlaws for 3 generations and all of them for the current generations. Now she wants all the people she has ignored (relatives living close by) and criticized to come to her house for thanksgiving dinner. So my question is, why? What does she get out of it. She doesn't like them. She doesn't like fun. So why the desire to have these people she hates for dinner?

Thank you so much for this article!
I've been searching for information on this topic and there is certainly a dearth.
I just wanted to say that it's so wonderful to read others' experiences of that lack of connection. It broke my heart that my mother didn't (and still doesn't) want to get to know me and implied that I was a drama queen if I displayed any emotion. My emotional needs were totally unmet. I realised a couple of years ago that she is AS (undiagnosed). I've been trying to figure her out all my life. I see myself as quite an empathic and insightful person (psychology wise) & I always felt totally at a loss when it came to understanding what made her tick. It's been such a painful relationship. I remember once saying to her "it's as if you only love me when I'm doing exactly what you want me to" and she said "Yes" as in - yeah, of course, how else would it be? I was flabbergasted.
I have bipolar disorder and PTSD and my psychiatrist and psychologist both feel strongly that there was trauma in my childhood. I've been searching for answers - sexual abuse, perpetrators etc, and now I'm just wondering if it was unintentional neglect / abuse by my mother.
I just don't seem to have a foundation within myself if that makes sense.
Best wishes to all, Suki