Asperger's Parents and Neurotypical Children

"his only response is to stare blankly through her -- almost with an inquisitive type of expression. I know that sounds crazy, but it's truly the only way I can think to describe it."

This does not surprise me at all. You need to listen to her and agree with her that it is not normal and appears to be unkind, but then remind her that it is not intentional and that he cannot understand what is needed. She will still be hurt most likely. I said to my girls "If your Dad was in a wheel chair you would not expect him to play soccer with you, there are some things that your Dad struggles with, he can't help it" Then I point out the things he does do well. Adolescence was the worst time, too much emotion.

Thank you so much to everyone who replied. While it is good to know there is a name for why my daughter's dad is so "cold" and "odd" (common terms from people who have met him), it breaks my heart that this is not something that will change for her future. She always says how much it hurts her and bothers her that she has no "bond" with him. Knowing that she never will is tough. I had hoped that he could be told about it by the therapist and maybe he would accept it, but knowing his personality (he was originally diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality disorder)... that probably won't happen and it doesn't sound as if it would make enough difference to make it worth the risk of upsetting him and sending him on the warpath. I don't want to do anything that may hurt my daughter more, or cause her any further friction or distance in the fragile realtionship with her dad.
I can't tell you how wonderful and comforting it has been to be able to see such supportive and helpful comments and replies here. I really appreciate the suggestions and support tremendously. I feel shellshocked and, most of all, my heart just breaks for my daughter. She has gotten to the point that she dreads visits with dad because she says she feels so absolutely alone and isolated. She says she tries to connect with him, but there is just nothing there to connect to. As a gifted child already battling OCD -- she is truly challenged, as his behavior seems to aggravate her OCD rituals. Especially the perfectionism, negative self-talk and her issues with being able to be assertive and have healthy self-esteem. She gets very angry and keeps saying that she is never "good enough" in his eyes. (if she gets a "B" on a paper at school, it triggers an immediate lecture). Perfection is demanded of her always, in all situations.
When she has been ill, he barely notices and seems to not get that either -- just asks if she is "throwing up yet" and if she is not, he doesn't register that anything else could be wrong with her. It's like there is no sympathy whatsoever for her. Just, "suck it up." Is this also common? I am so confused now that I don't know what to "write off" as the AS and what not to. Also... how do you handle that? What I mean is, in trying to explain all of this to her -- it's really getting challenging trying not to sound as if I'm dismissing her feelings myself by blaming it all on AS. I find myself sounding like AS = free pass to treat you like dirt. I do not want her to feel like I'm excusing it all and saying she should be "ok" with it.

She has attempted to talk with him about this several times herself. The times she has approached him and attempted to explain how his behavior affects her and makes her feel... and even when she has been devastated and broken down sobbing, his only response is to stare blankly through her -- almost with an inquisitive type of expression. I know that sounds crazy, but it's truly the only way I can think to describe it. If you've seen it -- it probably makes sense to you.

I realize now that he does not deliberately hurt her -- but she gets upset with me and keeps saying that I can't understand what she is going through when she is with him. I guess she is right. I have never known anyone with AS before. :o(

I think I will take everyone's advice here and just keep working with her on her understanding of AS, leaving him to the therapist's discretion about it. I ordered a book online for her titled "something different about dad" about a family coping with AS. It is fictional in nature, but takes a more light-hearted approach with real-life scenarios, from what the reviews say. It said it's specifically for her age group. I think we will read it together when it comes. She is also looking for any online support groups for kids like her. Anyone know of any? Does anyone have any other resources to suggest in the way of literature, or groups, etc that might prove helpful for her? I just don't want her to feel so alone. And since I can't directly relate -- I would love to show support by reaching out to those who can. Maybe that way she won't feel so empty and angry in her quest for understanding.

Thanks again everyone. You are like a light in the dark for us.

I love this thread, and appreciate how well it is moderated. Thank You so so much. Re the daughter of the AS dad: I am one too - I am now 40. I can tell you this: The hardest part my growing up years, actually, was that there was never a really any comprehensible answers to the questions: "what is UP with dad?" and "why does dad have to BE like that?" For this mother who is seeking very real answers to those questions - I profoundly commend you. Today, I remain a very sensitive and hyper-vigilant person - with PTSD - namely because I was so helpless and uninformed within my own childhood home; and because I felt so chronically unsafe - for so long. Even now, it is still me who sits down and explains - to both of my parents, actually - that my own "normal and healthy" emotions are actually just "events" that I experience; and not philosophical positions which I am offering up for their review (ie for their categorical criticism; and for my very related but complete invalidation). I am quite sure that my non-AS mom has had a lifetime of feelings/experiences (ie NT) - but since they have been given absolutely no room within her marriage, they all seem to have been tragically discarded; simply because of dad's subtle but all-encompassing "deficits." The rest of my mom's adaptation to a life with her husband - has involved fairly self-destructive patterns of compulsive eating; and thus she too has been effectively "numbed." (I "learned" my eating disorder tendencies from her...) Somewhere along the line, then, I realized that because of my dad's "un-namable ways of being," I was not just short one loving and attentive parent - but I was pretty much short two. To this other mother then: it would seem to me that enlightening your daughter's father about AS is MUCH less important than modeling for your daughter that a "typical" emotional life is not wrong. It would seem to me too, that if your daughter to has an accurate and respectful language for understanding the phenomenon of her father - which she can also non-judgmentally use in her discussions with you - she is ahead of the game in terms of accepting him - and his differences. These two things will go a long way in terms of her own self-acceptance and self- regard. I wish you both well. Your lot in life is not easy - he will likely never be or become what you each need. But you have each other; and for that you can be glad. Thanks for listening and all the best to each and every one of us...

Tillwatcher,

That is a tough situation you and your family are in. I am not a professional, just a person who has been around a lot of AS throughout my life.

Perhaps your best bet might be to focus on helping your daughter understand why her dad can't show love in ways she can recognize. I know that this can make a big difference for a child. 

If they can see that it is a condition rather than a choice to reject them, even though the relationship doesn't change, her understanding of what is going on might.

I know for myself that though I felt great anger and pain in some family relationships growing up and in my adulthood, once I began to understand about AS, it changed my entire world view. 

Just a thought. I wish you a better future.

My daughter is almost 12. There has always been a severe and profound emotional disconnect between her and her father -- which he placed full blame on me and accused me of "parental alienation." (turning her against him)

In spite of more time with dad-- their relationship continues to deteriorate and my daughter feels unloved and depressed. She is also becoming very angry and resentful of his emotional coldness and aloofness toward her feelings. I have started seeing a rage building within her that I have never seen before.

Her therapist suggested (after a year of observation with the whole family) that dad probably has AS. After knowing this man for 17 years... so many things make perfect sense now. Even my daughter's fears about dad "flapping his hands and mumbling to himself in the kitchen." I now realize that this is called "stimming."

While I am relieved, I am also terrified because I fear that dad will never accept the idea that anything could be "wrong" with him. He will see this possible diagnosis as a personal attack on his parenting skills and his character. That is wholly unacceptable to him. But, my daughter should not have to continue to suffer either. I know that if he could accept it and get some help for it... there is the possibility that they may still be able to improve their relationship. I am also afraid that if he refuses to get help or accept -- she will take it as another painful disregard to her and the hopes she has of having a "bond" with her father, whom she loves, but feels he does not love her back.
Any suggestions on how to approach the person with AS when they deny any responsibility? I don't want to send him into another vindictive smear campaign or cause him pain or insult... I just want my daughter to be able to feel like her father loves her and is trying to get help to improve their relationship so she can feel somewhat connected to him for the firt time in her life.