Asperger's Parents and Neurotypical Children

The last post here was written a few years ago however they are still applicable to me. The effects of being raised with an Aspie father and having an aspie sister has lasted me a lifetime. I understand that many Aspie parents have responded that they are offended by this article. Parents of aspie children read these experiences and feel defensive and protective of their aspie children. No one likes to be stereotyped. Not every aspie parent demonstrates the same traits or behaviors. The benefits that many of the Aspies and/or Aspie parents responding to this article is that they have self identified or been diagnosed with this difference, this challenge. Parents of Aspies can rest assured that their children will not have to become these stereotypes. Why? Because they have support, they have techniques or methods to help cope, adapt or to simply accept their differences. My father nor sister were given this gift.

It is very hurtful to discount the feelings ~ experiences of the child of an Aspie just as it is hurtful for an Aspie to hear these testaments of common feelings and experiences. However everyone deserves a chance to heal. And sometimes the only way to get there is by sharing your story and knowing that you are not alone.

There are countless studies and research on the importance of father/daughter relationships. Any time that this relationship is strained or damaged both child/parent will suffer. I know my father loves me. I know that he has done the best he can. It provides some comfort however it has not corrected the damage that has occurred. Being able to identify some of the common attributes of an Aspie and realizing that there is a trend of behavior that can't always be helped (especially when there is no diagnosis therefore no assistance or explanation can be provided). Remember the "NT" child was just that...a child. One who needed to be loved, validated and cared for by both parents.

My father and sister were emotionally inaccessible. I am not going to state that I am NT. I am not really sure I am entirely an NT. Sometimes I wonder about the nature/nurture in my situation. How much of my is inherited nature and how much is learned (from my parents or learned from trying to cope alone). All I know is that I was constantly defending my sister and father in public while secretly wondering why we couldn't be like other families. Wondering if I was adopted or was misplaced in a socially awkward family.

As a child I did not notice the difference much. The only indication of our "oddness" was my mother's depression/chronic illness and my father's lack of affection. At about 11 I started to notice that my father was unkind, impatient and insensitive to my mother. As we became a teenagers, my sister's lack of friendship and the cruelty of other became glaringly obvious. I was asked to take my sister to friends' houses, to parties and other activities despite being the younger sister. My sister often made others uncomfortable and in process I became particularly conscience of my every movement. I became obsessed with good manners and behavior out of fear of not being accepted and fear of calling attention to myself by some faux pas. In many ways I took on some aspie traits. With one large difference, I had many friends and made connections outside my family that helped me cope and learn social behaviors. To complicate matters, I was raised in a strict religious household. My mother compensating for the lack of affection in her relationship with my dad with lots of prayer and trite religious quotes. She had a "we must carry on" martyr attitude.
My sister was placed in special ed classes early on for reading disabilities which she really didn't have. But in the 70's there wasn't much in public schools for children who were "different". She never had a close friend, she didn't date, she didn't marry and she passed away at 37 of an asthma attack. When she passed I was extremely angry and grieved. I was mad she didn't take care of herself. When she passed dad made rather callous remarks such as "I lost a daughter but gained another bedroom". The man at the funeral home looked at me just shocked. I told him "his attempt at humor is his way of coping". I knew he loved my sister, in fact they were so much a like and shared many common interests (collecting old books, cats and ordering things through catalogs).
My dad says he is "eccentric". He was an aerospace engineer. Read math books for "the fun of it". He has several collections. Most of which remain in boxes stored away. He also never had friends over and often if someone came by the house they would get caught in his web of interests. And despite obvious signs like looking at their watch Dad never understood the clues that others were not interested...

Once my sister passed I brought my parents to live close to me. Once I moved them close I realized something was very wrong with mom. She was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. Dad had not saved any money over the years despite having had a good paying job. He had not bought a home nor did he really have any assets. I am now 41 and caring for both of them. I often feel it is ironic that they are living with me. I was so desperate to move out as a young adult. To get away from dad's insensitivity and mom's over sensitivity. Mom is now apathetic with Alzheimer's. Dad has shown more concern for her, but always in his own unique way. The relationship with my dad has affected my relationships and has caused some very real self esteem issues. Which I am working through. Though it has been very hard due to lack of life skills that I was taught.
When my sister passed, I was devastated by the loss and so very angry that my sister's life seemed to be valued by so few. Someone even had the gall the mention that it was the smallest turn out at a funeral that they had ever seen. I sought out therapy after my sister passed away. The therapist suggested my sister was an aspie and my father too. I have been able to put the pieces of the puzzle together which has helped heal some of the frustration and hurt.

My mother and brother are Aspies...In response to the last comment, my mother was kind and loyal and considerate in her way, and I have spent the last 57 years validating her feelings, her experiences, her understanding of things. I know that she cares about me, but in many ways, I am invisible to her. And I'm sorry your feelings are hurt, can you imagine that our feelings are hurt as well? Profoundly?

I would love to talk more with adult children of parents with Asperger's. I am still coming to grips with how it has affected me and how it has limited me. And, yes, the description in the article of children expecting to be ignored, expecting to be interrupted, expecting to be less than nothing describes my experiences. I'm still trying to crawl out of that hole and would be grateful for any hand up offered.

Recognizing that she has a syndrome was a revelation to me and helped immensely with any anger issues...knowing she can't help how she is, helps me deal with it. My own childhood coping strategies involved having as many pets as were permitted. I still find animal companions a solace in providing the kind of unconditional love that was lacking. I ended up teaching high school. As my niece pointed out, teenagers are the most self-involved age group - so I can handle them well, but on the other hand, they give back a lot to me emotionally. So I've spent a great deal of my life building huge networks of relationships to repair the damage done early.

I have two sons, and I have made a point to be involved in their lives and to be interested in their interests and to care about what they care about. I think they're ok - I hope the damage is limited to one generation, though my niece, having a similar childhood to mine, has a lot to cope with as well. Glad this subject is coming to light, hearing other people's stories helps. Sharing mine helps.

I notice how unusually long all these comments are. We have a lifetime's worth of things to say to people

These comments hurt. A lot. I'm an Aspie, and... well... you're kind of saying that we're all blind to other people's emotions, or worse, that we don't care.

I am certain that my father had a personality disorder and perhaps several combined. He had repetitive compulsive problems too. It made for a really miserable childhood and depression (which I could not understand the reason for) in later life. My childhood was dire and isolated despite having a brother and sister who seemed happy with the severe restriction on our lives and the lack of empathy and validation of us as important little people. I think he had some other problems as well. He would not go out, did not have friends and neither could we have. We never had a holiday or family outing not even a family shopping trip or walk. My brother and sister still do not find this odd. I really do not have a lot of sympathy with people like dad. I believe they behave in that way selfishly and for what it affords them. He had Mum's full attention 24/7 despite the fact that she had 3 kids to look after and he always came first or had a paddy. His clothes had to be laid out in a certain way, his spoon had to sit in his saucer in a certain way etc etc. He had difficulty keeping jobs and eventually spent much of his life on the dole. Later in life we found out that he was in fact Mum's brother in law and he had got her pregnant with me and run off whilst her husband was in hospital with TB after returning from the war. They kept the secret all their lives. I was pregnant before marriage and he was very hard on me and I had already left home because of his attitude towards me. I wish I could have been adopted. I find it very hard not to blame Mum for not leaving him and letting us have some sort of a life - her too. i think these people should remain single such is the devastation on other peoples lives. It was Mum's choice perhaps (that I am not even sure about) but she should have left to get a life for herself and us. It is a cruel thing to inflict on others and impacts so detrimentally on their lives. He was perfect in his eyes and we should all do his bidding and be a clone of him. He would NEVER EVER have accepted that he had a problem or take advice on it. If it had been given you would have been shot. My brother and sister just accepted that he must be perfect and right because he was Dad. It has come as a shock to them and they do not understand now that they have found out some things, particularly that Mum and Dad were brother and sister-in-law.

Why does she need to spend time with her father? She clearly suffers from it, and doesn't want to? Perhaps you can get some professional support, child psychologist or social worker, who can legally limit your daughter's contact with her father to visitation rights? Don't let his illness make you all sick. What would you say in five or ten years if your daughter claims she suffered through hell in her childhood just to satisfy her father's needs to seem like a parent?