Wow, your post really hits home! " He was perfect in his eyes and we should all do his bidding and be a clone of him. He would NEVER EVER have accepted that he had a problem or take advice on it." -- this is so true of my daughter's father. To him, she must be a complete clone of himself. He played Cornet in high school band, so he tried to force her to play it too. Everything he wants her to be, he expects her to comply. He emotionally torments her. Just this past Friday, she asked him if she could spend the evening with me (mom) at an arcade that was having a fun contest and giving away cash prizes. He told her she could go with me... but then when I got there to pick her up and she went to say goodbye to him, she hugged him and he just sat at the computer and refused to hug her back. He refused to say he loved her and just barked "BYE!" at her. Then, when she won $50 in the drawing and called to tell him the good news, he refused to answer the phone. When she called again an hour later, he screamed at her and told her to "get home right now!!" He always does this. He throws nasty little tantrums and punishes everyone if they do not cater to his every whim. To me, this is absolute emotional abuse of our daughter. She was shaking and felt like she was going to throw up all the way back to his house that night. When I dropped her off, she was in tears. This is what he does to her on a regular basis. She says that there have been several times when he has gotten mad at her that he has simply refused to speak to her for entire days on end. It is emotional blackmail and she falls for it. I know how she feels. I fell for it too for over five years of being with this monster. It isn't just the AS that makes him act this way... he COULD control it better if he wanted to... but he just doesn't want to. I refuse to believe that every person with AS is emotionally abusive to people who don't give them their way all the time. Maybe they are... I don't know, but I doubt it.
Your life sounds like you went through hell. Are you still in contact with him? If he refuses to get any help or accept that there is something amiss with him, then you may end up where I have read so many others on here have... you may have to make a choice to sever ties with him in order to save yourself emotional torment and continued abuse. I realize he has a problem and he may not be able to entirely control his actions, but that does not mean you have to stand for constant and repeated abuse. Especially if he is unwilling to work together with you to come to some understanding. I know this will be the case with my daughter's father. He insists that he can't have a close relationship with "his daughter" (never "our" daughter) -- because of me. He says I'm brainwashing her against him. He cannot accept the fact that she is just another person in his life that he is unable to have any sort of meaningful relationship with. He has no friends, his family wants little to do with him and he has been unable to get into another intimate relationship since he and I divorced over ten years ago. But somehow, all of this is my fault.
Anyway, I am lucky. I don't have to see him regularly. Although he continues to stalk and harass me via email and driving by my house... prank calling, etc. He even signs me up for magazine subscriptions and has them sent to my house. So childish... but nothing like what my poor daughter has to endure, spending 12 days each month with him and under his constant control and emotional blackmail.
I hope you know that even though your siblings have chosen to turn the other way and not deal with his issues (it sounds like they know there is a problem, but it is just easier for them if they choose to ignore it and pretend that everything is peachy). I guess for some people, not dealing with such a huge and obvious problem is much easier than dealing with it. After all, it probably hurts them less emotionally this way. However, you can't and don't want to do that and that is entirely your right. It is difficult though for you to be in a situation where you have no support from your siblings though.
If you can, and if one is available locally where you are, you might consider getting involved with an AS support group for family members who have been affected by someone with AS, or are living with someone with AS. I asked my daughter's therapist about local chapters for her so she can feel less alone and he is looking into this for her. It may help. At least you will get some support from others who know your pain personally. Maybe you won't have to feel so isolated. It always helps just hearing others experiences and sharing a common bond with them. I know just being on this site has helped me tremendously. I felt so alone before. I couldn't put any of the crazy pieces together. I knew something was going on, but even though he had been diagnosed years ago as Narcissistic -- that didn't explain the hand flapping and other bizarre behaviors that would scare our daughter. Just knowing that people like you are out there gives me hope that maybe my daughter will pull through this and be ok.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. It means so much and I really wish you all the healing you deserve. I hope you can find others close to your area that can also help lift you up since you seem to be getting no help in that regard from your family. It must be so frustrating and I know how sensitive the topic must be to even bring up. Don't worry... you are not alone. Thank you again and have a wonderful week.
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Wow, your post really hits home! " He was perfect in his eyes and we should all do his bidding and be a clone of him. He would NEVER EVER have accepted that he had a problem or take advice on it." -- this is so true of my daughter's father. To him, she must be a complete clone of himself. He played Cornet in high school band, so he tried to force her to play it too. Everything he wants her to be, he expects her to comply. He emotionally torments her. Just this past Friday, she asked him if she could spend the evening with me (mom) at an arcade that was having a fun contest and giving away cash prizes. He told her she could go with me... but then when I got there to pick her up and she went to say goodbye to him, she hugged him and he just sat at the computer and refused to hug her back. He refused to say he loved her and just barked "BYE!" at her. Then, when she won $50 in the drawing and called to tell him the good news, he refused to answer the phone. When she called again an hour later, he screamed at her and told her to "get home right now!!" He always does this. He throws nasty little tantrums and punishes everyone if they do not cater to his every whim. To me, this is absolute emotional abuse of our daughter. She was shaking and felt like she was going to throw up all the way back to his house that night. When I dropped her off, she was in tears. This is what he does to her on a regular basis. She says that there have been several times when he has gotten mad at her that he has simply refused to speak to her for entire days on end. It is emotional blackmail and she falls for it. I know how she feels. I fell for it too for over five years of being with this monster. It isn't just the AS that makes him act this way... he COULD control it better if he wanted to... but he just doesn't want to. I refuse to believe that every person with AS is emotionally abusive to people who don't give them their way all the time. Maybe they are... I don't know, but I doubt it.
October 21, 2012 - 7:23pmYour life sounds like you went through hell. Are you still in contact with him? If he refuses to get any help or accept that there is something amiss with him, then you may end up where I have read so many others on here have... you may have to make a choice to sever ties with him in order to save yourself emotional torment and continued abuse. I realize he has a problem and he may not be able to entirely control his actions, but that does not mean you have to stand for constant and repeated abuse. Especially if he is unwilling to work together with you to come to some understanding. I know this will be the case with my daughter's father. He insists that he can't have a close relationship with "his daughter" (never "our" daughter) -- because of me. He says I'm brainwashing her against him. He cannot accept the fact that she is just another person in his life that he is unable to have any sort of meaningful relationship with. He has no friends, his family wants little to do with him and he has been unable to get into another intimate relationship since he and I divorced over ten years ago. But somehow, all of this is my fault.
Anyway, I am lucky. I don't have to see him regularly. Although he continues to stalk and harass me via email and driving by my house... prank calling, etc. He even signs me up for magazine subscriptions and has them sent to my house. So childish... but nothing like what my poor daughter has to endure, spending 12 days each month with him and under his constant control and emotional blackmail.
I hope you know that even though your siblings have chosen to turn the other way and not deal with his issues (it sounds like they know there is a problem, but it is just easier for them if they choose to ignore it and pretend that everything is peachy). I guess for some people, not dealing with such a huge and obvious problem is much easier than dealing with it. After all, it probably hurts them less emotionally this way. However, you can't and don't want to do that and that is entirely your right. It is difficult though for you to be in a situation where you have no support from your siblings though.
If you can, and if one is available locally where you are, you might consider getting involved with an AS support group for family members who have been affected by someone with AS, or are living with someone with AS. I asked my daughter's therapist about local chapters for her so she can feel less alone and he is looking into this for her. It may help. At least you will get some support from others who know your pain personally. Maybe you won't have to feel so isolated. It always helps just hearing others experiences and sharing a common bond with them. I know just being on this site has helped me tremendously. I felt so alone before. I couldn't put any of the crazy pieces together. I knew something was going on, but even though he had been diagnosed years ago as Narcissistic -- that didn't explain the hand flapping and other bizarre behaviors that would scare our daughter. Just knowing that people like you are out there gives me hope that maybe my daughter will pull through this and be ok.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. It means so much and I really wish you all the healing you deserve. I hope you can find others close to your area that can also help lift you up since you seem to be getting no help in that regard from your family. It must be so frustrating and I know how sensitive the topic must be to even bring up. Don't worry... you are not alone. Thank you again and have a wonderful week.
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