I love this thread, and appreciate how well it is moderated. Thank You so so much. Re the daughter of the AS dad: I am one too - I am now 40. I can tell you this: The hardest part my growing up years, actually, was that there was never a really any comprehensible answers to the questions: "what is UP with dad?" and "why does dad have to BE like that?" For this mother who is seeking very real answers to those questions - I profoundly commend you. Today, I remain a very sensitive and hyper-vigilant person - with PTSD - namely because I was so helpless and uninformed within my own childhood home; and because I felt so chronically unsafe - for so long. Even now, it is still me who sits down and explains - to both of my parents, actually - that my own "normal and healthy" emotions are actually just "events" that I experience; and not philosophical positions which I am offering up for their review (ie for their categorical criticism; and for my very related but complete invalidation). I am quite sure that my non-AS mom has had a lifetime of feelings/experiences (ie NT) - but since they have been given absolutely no room within her marriage, they all seem to have been tragically discarded; simply because of dad's subtle but all-encompassing "deficits." The rest of my mom's adaptation to a life with her husband - has involved fairly self-destructive patterns of compulsive eating; and thus she too has been effectively "numbed." (I "learned" my eating disorder tendencies from her...) Somewhere along the line, then, I realized that because of my dad's "un-namable ways of being," I was not just short one loving and attentive parent - but I was pretty much short two. To this other mother then: it would seem to me that enlightening your daughter's father about AS is MUCH less important than modeling for your daughter that a "typical" emotional life is not wrong. It would seem to me too, that if your daughter to has an accurate and respectful language for understanding the phenomenon of her father - which she can also non-judgmentally use in her discussions with you - she is ahead of the game in terms of accepting him - and his differences. These two things will go a long way in terms of her own self-acceptance and self- regard. I wish you both well. Your lot in life is not easy - he will likely never be or become what you each need. But you have each other; and for that you can be glad. Thanks for listening and all the best to each and every one of us...
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I love this thread, and appreciate how well it is moderated. Thank You so so much. Re the daughter of the AS dad: I am one too - I am now 40. I can tell you this: The hardest part my growing up years, actually, was that there was never a really any comprehensible answers to the questions: "what is UP with dad?" and "why does dad have to BE like that?" For this mother who is seeking very real answers to those questions - I profoundly commend you. Today, I remain a very sensitive and hyper-vigilant person - with PTSD - namely because I was so helpless and uninformed within my own childhood home; and because I felt so chronically unsafe - for so long. Even now, it is still me who sits down and explains - to both of my parents, actually - that my own "normal and healthy" emotions are actually just "events" that I experience; and not philosophical positions which I am offering up for their review (ie for their categorical criticism; and for my very related but complete invalidation). I am quite sure that my non-AS mom has had a lifetime of feelings/experiences (ie NT) - but since they have been given absolutely no room within her marriage, they all seem to have been tragically discarded; simply because of dad's subtle but all-encompassing "deficits." The rest of my mom's adaptation to a life with her husband - has involved fairly self-destructive patterns of compulsive eating; and thus she too has been effectively "numbed." (I "learned" my eating disorder tendencies from her...) Somewhere along the line, then, I realized that because of my dad's "un-namable ways of being," I was not just short one loving and attentive parent - but I was pretty much short two. To this other mother then: it would seem to me that enlightening your daughter's father about AS is MUCH less important than modeling for your daughter that a "typical" emotional life is not wrong. It would seem to me too, that if your daughter to has an accurate and respectful language for understanding the phenomenon of her father - which she can also non-judgmentally use in her discussions with you - she is ahead of the game in terms of accepting him - and his differences. These two things will go a long way in terms of her own self-acceptance and self- regard. I wish you both well. Your lot in life is not easy - he will likely never be or become what you each need. But you have each other; and for that you can be glad. Thanks for listening and all the best to each and every one of us...
October 12, 2012 - 6:54pmThis Comment
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