Asperger's Parents and Neurotypical Children

Hi babyfacemagee,

Knowing what you're dealing with can make a huge difference in how you feel. All this time, you didn't have all the information.

I think for many people, knowing about Asperger's allows a piece of the puzzle to finally fall into place. It can make forgiveness of some hurts possible, and make it possible to change some patterns for healthier relationships in the future.

That's why I wrote this article, at any rate. I'm glad to hear you found it beneficial.

I have been looking for an article like this. My father shows the signs of being an Aspie...even though he was a doctor himself. He finds it very hard to show emotion, intiate any kind of communication or emotional connection with me or my siblings. He also is not the greatest communicator and although when talked to he responds just fine I noticed that it is very rare that he initiates conversation. Growing up with him like this was extremely difficult. My brother and I always felt ignored and we developed self esteem and depression issues that lasted to the present day that I can see are directly related to us feeling he was 'ignoring' us throughout our developmental years. He never played with us or held us or even showed much interest in us. Our saving grace was our mother, but she has ADHD herself...which is probably why they were a good match. Both dysfunctions complimented each other.

Anyone that says growing up with an Aspie parent doesn't affect the kids is simply wrong. The low self worth caused by always feeling ignored growing up causes self-sabotaging behaviors and deep seated self doubt in the kids that haunts them through life. It was only in the past year or two that I finally 'figured out', at the age of 35, why my feelings about my father were so angry and confused. Only when I realized he probably is an Aspie...but undiagnosed because as a doctor he is in denial that he might have something wrong with him. To make matters worse he 'doctored' his own family so my primary care physician was an undiagnosed Aspie. Talk about lack of observation. I myself while not an Aspie, did suffer from a mild form or tourette syndrome and my father was so 'inside himself' that he didn't even diagnose it in his own child. I realize my situation is unusual with this extra 'twist' of not having objective medical care...but I have a feeling this kind of thing happens more than many realize. It certainly made my life much, much harder than it should have been and wasted many, many years and opportunities because of it. The more people get educated about Aspergers the better.

Hi Nikki,

I sympathize.

Fortunately, there are resources on the net that you can go to for more information. It would be nice if your dad was to show an interest in this as well, but it's also true that the more you can learn and understand about this syndrome, the better you will be able to deal with the effects.

Many NT people have found that simply by the fact that they now have a clearer idea of what they're dealing with, with their Aspie loved ones, things have changed some for the better. They have seen the real need to be more clear and specific in their verbal communications for instance.

And the realization that what has felt like rejection or being ignored for all these years, was not out of malice or indifference, has caused a huge weight to be lifted off the shoulders, and the hearts, of many lonely neurotypicals. Some begin to be able to believe perhaps for the first time, that maybe they are loved after all. It's just a matter of ... translation, two different worlds being able to communicate better.

I wish you the best of luck in your relationship with your father, and with other people of all kinds in your future life.

I'm a NT girl being raised by a AS Father. I agree 100% with this article. It's always been just him and I. I've never got a hug by him, when I say I love you to him all I get is a comment in return to go to do something. I really wish there could be more edcuation on this to parents with AS :(

Hi there.

I'm glad you wrote. I sympathize with the difficulties you have faced and are facing.

As you have pointed out, there is no Asperger's personality or temperament. People of every type can have Asperger's Syndrome. Your father's anger was part of his personality I think and not a part of Asperger's. The fact that he did not pick up the usual cues and boundaries, due to Asperger's may have made the expression of his anger worse.

I agree with you that what matters is character. As you have mentioned about your boyfriend, many Aspies are kind and gentle people. They have no desire to hurt others.

Sounds like you are busy trying to sort things out, now that you've become aware of Asperger's Syndrome -- what it is and how it has affected your own life. I expect it is a tricky process, but you have my admiration and respect.

I hope that as you sort out what you need, and re-evaluate your expectations, that you find yourself in a new life, with the levels of connection that feel right for you. I hope that the feelings of invisibility and isolation will become things of the past for you and that all your relationships will be warming and fulfilling.

Thanks for writing.

Thank you for this article. I am an adult NT child of an AS father. He has not been formally diagnosed and probably never will be. But it has been strongly suspected by many people in his life, from family to friends to work colleagues. I am just now beginning to understand about AS, as well as deal with all my issues from childhood, now that I have a child myself.

My dad's behaviour was devastating to me as a child. HOWEVER, I'm not sure the AS is to blame. My dad has always been an angry man, and at times he resorted to verbal and mild physical abuse. I have come to a place where I can truly say I have forgiven him for what he did to me. I know he loved me the best he could. But he was either distant and detached, or angry. I have only a few memories of him being warm, engaging, and happy with me. Even now, he never asks questions about me or my life. I have taken this as him not being interested, and now I understand the AS may play a role.

I think what is important is character, not AS vs. NT. I also currently have a boyfriend who may have AS. There are alot of similarities and I strongly suspect it may be the case. He has a very different character from my dad. I don't think he would ever display anger or behave abusively towards me. He is very gentle and humble. He is accountable for his behaviour. There are still alot of relationship difficulties, but I can't fault him for not being a loving person in any way.

That being said, the effects from my father have left me with issues of feeling unimportant, unworthy, unloved, and insecure. I have repeatedly found myself in unhealthy relationships with men who were emotionally detached or even abusive. I have suffered from severe depression, drug addiction, and other self-harming behaviours. I could go on and on. Was it because he had AS, or because he was angry? Or a mixture of both? (Beyond what is my own responsibility for making poor choices, obviously....)

My bf says that his level of connection is sufficient for him. But it is not sufficient for me, and I don't know that it would be sufficient for my child. I am very conflicted in this. I can see how difficulty empathizing could lead to dismissing a small child's behaviour as "irrational" and how being disconnected and not able to verbalize love could have devastating effects on a small child's sense of self-esteem and worth. Then again, I have a physical illness and I know my disability has an effect on her and is stressful for her. No parent is perfect and there must be room for grace. If we are humble enough to accept it and always keep trying to be better. Any feedback is welcome!