I'm glad you wrote. I sympathize with the difficulties you have faced and are facing.
As you have pointed out, there is no Asperger's personality or temperament. People of every type can have Asperger's Syndrome. Your father's anger was part of his personality I think and not a part of Asperger's. The fact that he did not pick up the usual cues and boundaries, due to Asperger's may have made the expression of his anger worse.
I agree with you that what matters is character. As you have mentioned about your boyfriend, many Aspies are kind and gentle people. They have no desire to hurt others.
Sounds like you are busy trying to sort things out, now that you've become aware of Asperger's Syndrome -- what it is and how it has affected your own life. I expect it is a tricky process, but you have my admiration and respect.
I hope that as you sort out what you need, and re-evaluate your expectations, that you find yourself in a new life, with the levels of connection that feel right for you. I hope that the feelings of invisibility and isolation will become things of the past for you and that all your relationships will be warming and fulfilling.
Thanks for writing.