Improved
6113 HealthChanged
3786 LivesSaved
3568 Lives0 lives impacted in the last 24 hrs Learn More
Photo: Photospin - Auremar
Physical and verbal abuse are forms of “visible” abuse. Scars and bruises, raised voices and demeaning and hurtful words are signals to others that something is not quite right in the relationship. It’s also easier for a wife to see and recognize that’s she’s being abused.
Emotional abuse, however, is much more insidious and not quite as visible. Certainly, a wife’s self-esteem and spirit are battered along with her body in the case of physical and verbal abuse, but a husband can kill his wife’s spirit without even raising a hand or voice against her. For this reason, many women don’t even know they’re being abused, or if they do it’s a long and difficult battle not only to work to repair the damage done themselves, but to get the abuser to recognize the harm that he’s done.
What are the signs of mental abuse?
“Emotional abuse is any nonphysical behavior or attitude that controls, intimidates, subjugates, demeans, punishes or isolates another person by using degradation, humiliation or fear” (www.focusonthefamily.com).
“Nonphysical behavior or attitude” can safely be interpreted to mean neglect, invalidating another’s thoughts and feelings, and refusing to acknowledge the needs of the other (whether intentionally or not). Over a period of time, this kind of emotional climate in a marriage can squeeze the life out of a marriage and out of a wife.
There is a difference between experiencing or inflicting emotional hurt and being emotionally abusive—it is important to make this distinction. Abuse is a cycle. It is not a once-in-a-while event that happens and hurts someone else. In many “ordinary” hurtful cases, apologies can be offered if truly sincere and heal the rift that the hurt has caused. Many hurts are unintentional, and if they were, there is (hopefully) remorse on the part of the person who inflicted that hurt, once the anger, frustration, etc., calms down and cooler heads prevail. With emotional abuse there is none of this. Like other forms of abuse, there can be apologies and promises to never do it again, and there is hope in the beginning that behaviors and attitudes will change—often referred to as the “honeymoon phase”—but somewhere in the back of many a wife’s mind, she knows that it’s only a matter of time before the abuser settles back into old routines.
The Profile of an Emotional Abuser
At the heart of an emotionally abusive husband is his need to ultimately be in control. He feels inadequate and harbors distorted beliefs about women and marriage, usually learned from an abusive father or other dominant male influence, or sometime due to lack of decent male role modeling in how to treat women. In many cases, but not all, an emotionally abusive husband can be manipulative and heavy-handed in keeping his wife “under his thumb”. The abusive husband is “self-referenced”, which means he only sees and considers things from his point of view; he deliberately refuses to or is incapable of looking at things from another’s perspective. “Selfish” and “self-referenced” are two different words and can be described this way: the “self-referenced person would give you the shirt off his back, but he doesn’t know you need it. The self-referenced person frequently violates the marriage partnership by acting without thoughtfully considering his partner’s point of view and needs” (Amy Wildman White). The abusive husband is also emotionally dependent on his wife; that is, his feeling of self-worth comes from being married. Most emotionally abusive husbands are unable to look at and examine themselves and why they engage in such spirit-killing behavior against a person they have avowed to love and cherish.
The Profile of an Emotionally Abused Wife
Women who find themselves in an emotionally abusive situation often have low self-esteems even though they may appear confident and in control of everything. An emotionally abused wife “looks to her husband’s acceptance of her as the measure of her worth” (White).
Unlike a man, who typically finds his identity through work, and academic or athletic achievement, “[a] woman’s identity is often based on her relationships” (White) this makes her vulnerable to abusive relationships.
One of the most common characteristics of an emotionally abused woman is that she is unable to enjoy sexual experiences with her husband. This is due to the deterioration of the trust and the lack of friendship and intimacy over the time of the relationship. Add on top of this societies’, her husbands’ and the church’s views that she’s not a good wife if she doesn’t meet her husband’s sexual needs and she may feel perpetually trapped in her marriage. What many people (including counselors and pastors) fail to realize is that “[t]he wife in these situations experiences intercourse as an indignity, almost as rape, because the physical and the deeply personal, loving aspects of sex…[i]ntimacy and trust, which lay the necessary foundation for a woman to respond sexually, have been removed from the relationship” (White) and she is left to emotionally detach herself from the situation just to survive—at the cost of her soul and spirit.
Call to Action
It’s time to lift the veil from these situations and recognize how much a person’s soul and spirit can be damaged without physical and verbal abuse. Abuse doesn’t have to come in the form of acting out a form of punishment, or lashing out with temper and words. Abuse can also be withholding affection, or never saying a kind word. It takes a strong woman to stand up against what everyone is telling her is her duty and recognize that this kind of situation is not okay, and to talk about it until somebody listens.
If you believe you are in an emotionally abusive marriage—which can take many forms to keep a wife dependant on a husband (a virtual prisoner in her own house)—or you’re not even sure if what you’re experiencing is emotional abuse, please join us in the Marital Discovery and Recovery group and share your story.
Sources: www.focusonthefamily.com; “The Silent Killer of Christian Marriages” by Amy Wildman White (http://www.safeplaceministries.com/pdf/The Silent Killer of Christian Marriages.pdf)
Add a Comment380 Comments
Dear Anonymous: I just now, today 06/08/15 joined this forum because I wanted to share my story with someone that it might help. I've been depressed for a while and didn't know why. I started on a self-discovery today and before I knew it, I was writing down "Pat's Rules" - all of my husband's rules. The thing is, he knew better than to shove them down my throat but he has been consistent with these rules for 18 years - even re-stating the rules as if he were joking. But I realized, he has spent years telling me what to do, what not to do, what I should do, how I should do it. I didn't realize it because I had spent my childhood being bullied and controlled by an older sister and raised by parents who were in a mind-controlling religion called "The Truth." So, one by one, I wrote down these rules today and I got to 28. Anything from "don't touch the thermostat" to "don't put anything down the garbage disposal." He asked me "what's wrong" today after I had slept in the spare bedroom last night - and I said "what does it matter? You'll just yell." And true to self, his raised his voice and I went upstairs. He followed me and for the first time, stayed calm as I read each of the 28 'rules' to him and told him that I wasn't going to be treated like a child anymore - that I'm 52 and do not need a daddy - that I'd rather live on the streets than be controlled or not have equal control of how things are done in my own home. So, that's where we are. I'm determined to see a change - but he did stay calm for the first time ever. Just stand your ground. If you can't stand your ground and get anywhere, then leave for a few years like I did. When I came back, he promised things would be different and here I was, seeing the same old patterns. I feel 30% relief but it's kind of at the "you need to show me" stage. So, I hope my story helped you. If it didn't, I'm sorry and wish you good luck with your life. You deserve the best, as I do. xoxoxo
June 8, 2015 - 5:26pmThis Comment
I have been married for 21 years. For years 2-16, he was emotionally abusive and neither one of us recognized it. Everything was about him - what he wanted, what he needed, what he thought was best for our family. For this time, he never lifted a finger to help around the house: never got up in the middle of the night with a crying child (his work was more important than mine, so his sleep was more important), never washed a dish, cooked a meal, cleaned a surface in any room (he was too tired from work, even though I worked a 40+ hour week, too, for a long time). He would ask my opinion about things, but always did what he thought was best, so asking me was basically done to appease me in some way. His parents (especially his mother) treated me like garbage and he never defended me (they still do and he still doesn't), he just told me "that's just the way they are, you just need to get used to it." When I wanted to do something (like go back to school), I was always told it wasn't the right time. When he wanted to do something, he told me he was going to do it, and then he did. I got to a point where I felt like a maid with benefits, not a wife or partner in a relationship. He told me I shouldn't feel that way because that's not what he intended, completely invalidating everything I thought and felt. I finally reached a breaking point when he lost his job, had nowhere to go and nothing to do, but he was still watching me wash dishes, clean toilets, and doing nothing to help. I told him I wanted him to leave, but he wanted to go to counseling. We did that, and it helped to a point. The problem I'm having is that I can't get past it all. He wants me to stop living in the past, but I can't get past the fact that he made me feel so worthless and unimportant for so long (as did my mother, as did nearly every kid I went to school with K-12). Even more, he completely stomped on my dreams of going back to school and pursuing my career. Now he wants me to help him with his ED by initiating sex, and he's mad because I've told him that's something I don't want to do. I can't feel anything but resentful about this. Where was he when I had needs? Why were my needs always put on the back burner because they weren't important enough? He thinks I should just be able to get over it all, but I just can't. Nearly 15 years of being used as a doormat and being told nothing about me is important can't be erased overnight, and really doesn't make intimacy all that appealing. Maybe it's because things haven't changed all that much, and I don't have much faith that they will. I wish I knew how to deal with it.
May 24, 2015 - 4:38pmThis Comment
I hear you. You've been invalidated for a long time. This will not likely change. I remember hearing a counselor tell me - you can either change the way you view your situation or you can leave. For a long time, I tried to change the way I viewed the situation. I couldn't. Finally by the grace of God I was able to find the courage to just get out. I was able to rely on family for financial support but I was prepared to lean on the women's shelter. I contacted them and was pretty confident in the person I talked to... ultimately I didn't have to. I hope you find that same confidence. I am now raising my children by myself in my own apartment. I am SO much happier. 25 years later. I have had to work hard to separate myself from him, though - be prepared for some hard work because you will be tempted to go back.
May 25, 2015 - 5:23amThis Comment
Ladies, I was married for 25 years from age 19 to 43. My husband was emotionally abusive almost the entire time, and now I know that he suffers from mental illness - bipolar disorder. He refuses medication. Anyhow, my relationship looked a LOT like those you read here. He chased away what few friends I had. I was grilled about where I was going, and he would even call my friend's house to say, ok it's time you leave and come home now. He once punched a hole in the wall beside me because of an argument, and told me I made him do it and next time it might be my head. There's the daily belittling, he's smarter than me, he cooks better than me, etc etc. The reason I'm posting is, things can and do get worse - not better - when you stay, so get out now. I got to the point where I was so desperate for a human connection that I had a brief affair with another man at my part-time job. After that, my infidelity caused extreme abuse both emotional and verbal, for years. Forever more that will be his *reason* why I am scum and why he hates me, why our marriage failed. But it wasn't the reason. Well I've been GONE with my children for 2 and a half years thank God I'm on my own. I hope and pray those of you in an emotionally abusive relationship will find the courage to leave somehow. Reach out to a local women's shelter. I know you don't want to leave the comfort of your home and your neighbors/friends, etc. I understand, I've been there "the devil you know is better" kind of thinking. In the long run if you can't do it for you, do it for your children. That's how I found my courage, I told myself I had to get out for the kids' sake, and I did.
May 19, 2015 - 11:47pmThis Comment
Yeah there is absolutely a point of no return when you have to leave I believe. I encountered this article randomly and read it mainly so I can be a better husband. While I certainly treated my wife much better than your husband treated you, I feel like your story is an example of a:"leave now, leave him for sure" scenario; mine is more of a story of how when your young, sometimes you can be in a borderline situation where it CAN go either way, either worse or better and I chose to be a better man as much as possible, and it took me time, but th8s is my story.
I met my wife at 16, we had incredible fantastic highschool sweetheart type relationship. At 18, I joined the army reserve, at 19, I transfered to regular force and suprise, same month we are unexpectedly having a baby(she was on birth control, medications interacted, a big challenge but a big blessing). For about 3 years I would have ocassionally met the criteria for emoional abuse probably... I used to yell a lot, sometimes I would punch the wall (never anywhere close to her and certainly not threatening"you next" kind of stuff, still NOT OK.)Keep in mind I was also not terrible all the time, I also told her I loved her everyday, was always very affectionate and while she was a stay at home mom, if she ever wanted ti do anything anywhere, I encouraged it 100%, I bought her whatever she asked for and ensured all her needs were met at all tines. But I wasbt perfect abd I felt it was all the pressure of being very young and supporting 3 people on 1 income, learning how to be a good father and partner while learning to be a good soldier was NOT easy, but I realized she deserved better and got help for my anxiety disorder that the army had kind-of developed in me(They also taught me many many good things and made me the confident man I am today, do not regret my service) By 22 I stopped punching stuff but still yelled. I decided quitting the army at the end of my terms of service would help me and my family, we would move back home, settle in the countryside, the military pressure would be off. Before I got out, I got anger conselor session, some time with psychiatrist, and post-army; I got out at age 24 I use medicinal marijuana for my stomach issues, but it also helps my anxiety big time. I NEVER yell anymore and only rarely raise my voice. We had a second child at 25, got married at 26 and are 27 now. While we still argue calmly about disagreements that pop uo here and there;
I feel like I have become a great husband and father, I still support a family of 4 on 1 income, but shes the one making that choice, I have encouraged her to go back to work whenever she feels like it and that I will pay for any course she wants to take to be whatever she wants to be(because she has no desire to go back to her teenage jobs of being a cashier at gas station and restaurants) , but she wants to wait until our second child is older and I am ok with that.
Point is some men are just plain bad, but sometimes good guys can be a bit bad when theyre young and immature like I was, but if they realise their faults, accept them and commit to being better men; it is within reach. If your man is straight-up bad, by all means leave; if you love him and believe he is better than that but he still treats you wrong; you should absolutely have a serious talk with leaving being on the table and if he really loves you, he will admit fault and change. If he doesn't, by all means leave now, leave fast and leave far as you need to get to make sure you are ok.
I realized this woman was my everything, my one and only, my hart and soul; and that I would do anything for her. Actually bad luck struck and she tripped while carrying our younger daughter and broke her ankle bad enough to need surgery. I've spent the last month taking care of her, cleaning the house, taking care of 2 kids, cooking, and still working to support the 4 of us and you know what I said when she said she felt bad that I had to do all that? "No I'm only sad about you being not able to do the things you want to do, I actually LIKE doing it all right now because it makes me appreciate the things that you do even more, and I finally get ab opportunity to be your knight in shining armour".
June 1, 2015 - 4:41pmThis Comment
Thank you for this article.
it all started for me when I was eight months pregnant with our first child and he told me that he didn't want the baby and that he'd regretted choosing me as the mother of his child. What?! How could that be? He was my love. My husband. My best friend. I trusted him with my heart, body and soul. He kicked me out of our bedroom and I had to sleep in the guest room downstairs alone. I had no family to turn to. I remember feeling so guilty like I'd done something terribly wrong to him for him to be so mad at me since he was my love whom I trusted with my life....yeah, right!!! Til this day, I do believe that one was the worse but they've all been so brutal.
Looking back, that was 13 years ago. From then until about a year ago it's been a viscous circle of screams, tears, fear, anxiety, depression, verbal assault and manipulation, and physical abuse. He said he loved me and I believed him because I loved him too and just that "fact" allowed me to justify his every act of abuse. I justified it ALL: he's tired; he's sick; he's drunk; he's upset about work; he's worried about his mom being ill; he's mad because his team lost; he's bored; he's tormented by his childhood, etc. Every excuse was a good excuse and the abuse continued and I allowed it to because I loved him.
He didn't deserve my love.
He was mean, pathetic, controlling, self-centered, egotistical and manipulative and after a long and painful heart to heart with myself I realized that there were no excuses good enough to justify the abuse I'd been subjected to.
I felt betrayed.
I felt used.
I got really mad and finally got that backbone in place and stood up to him and read him a piece of my mind that I'd always been too scared to do....shaking in my boots but I did it!!
He denied it and said I was crazy.
Crazy enough to leave with the kids (we have 2) and never come back?
He ended up being the one shaking in his boots and I ended up being the one who left.
Never underestimate yourself and your capability of claiming justice for yourself once and for all. That's right, YOU become the judge now and you find HIM guilty. ...why? Because he IS and you are beautiful!
My heart goes out to all of you who are suffering.
May 17, 2015 - 1:39amStay strong.
This Comment
Thank you for your words. It's just what I really needed to hear right now.
May 27, 2015 - 7:38amThis Comment
Thank you for sharing this...I feel like you were describing my life! Your honesty gives me hope that I'll be able to find that same courage, so thank you.
May 18, 2015 - 10:35pmThis Comment
I have been in an abusive marriage for more than 26 years. My husband seems to be a nice guy to the outsider, humorous, sensitive, and considerate. But the moment there are only two of us, he would put on a long face ( scowl), ignore my questions and drive me crazy. I can never expect when he will lose temper or snap with hurtful words, in spite of my years of trying to understand him. He expects me to read his mind to know whether he is in the mood of speaking or having normal conversation. He knows very clear that I would not give him cold shoulders when he wants to start a conversation, as I am always responding normally. Yet he refuses to treat me the same. He is verbally aggressive almost everyday. I am very vocal on this and talked to him many times, with tear in my eyes, i pleaded him to change the way he treats me. He will blame me for his behavior or say that that is the way he is and he can not control. I used to believe that he would change as long as he could realize how hurtful his words and facial expression is to me, but now after reading this website, i realize that he has serious personality disorder and will never change. I had better be courageous enough to leave him.
May 14, 2015 - 9:31pmThis Comment
Hi,
May 15, 2015 - 2:50pmI can relate to what you are saying, i have been in an abusive marriage for 20 years and although i knew something was wrong, i just learnt to accept it. I have been asleep all this time and it wasn't untill my 14 year old said to me , " mum, why do you let dad talk go you like that!"
Boy did that open my eyes!! I have been enabling his abuse because i wouldn't say anything, just to keep the peace in our family.
We are still living together, we are both at conselling, but i know that abuse is deeply ingrained in him so not sure what the outcome is . I have detached emotionally from him becuse it has come down to self preservation now, i can't afford to have conversation or act normal around him because i will find myself stuck in his web again, and i am so worried that i'll end up going crazy!
I have to do so quick healig with the kids as they have seen the abuse for too long as well... My son 12 year old son has developed tics and is afraid of being left alone in a room, there might be something there and i have to take him to a pediatrition ...
I wish you all the best being couragous, you can do it!
I have started a hobby and reading about self confidence and this has helped.
This Comment