I have been married for 21 years. For years 2-16, he was emotionally abusive and neither one of us recognized it. Everything was about him - what he wanted, what he needed, what he thought was best for our family. For this time, he never lifted a finger to help around the house: never got up in the middle of the night with a crying child (his work was more important than mine, so his sleep was more important), never washed a dish, cooked a meal, cleaned a surface in any room (he was too tired from work, even though I worked a 40+ hour week, too, for a long time). He would ask my opinion about things, but always did what he thought was best, so asking me was basically done to appease me in some way. His parents (especially his mother) treated me like garbage and he never defended me (they still do and he still doesn't), he just told me "that's just the way they are, you just need to get used to it." When I wanted to do something (like go back to school), I was always told it wasn't the right time. When he wanted to do something, he told me he was going to do it, and then he did. I got to a point where I felt like a maid with benefits, not a wife or partner in a relationship. He told me I shouldn't feel that way because that's not what he intended, completely invalidating everything I thought and felt. I finally reached a breaking point when he lost his job, had nowhere to go and nothing to do, but he was still watching me wash dishes, clean toilets, and doing nothing to help. I told him I wanted him to leave, but he wanted to go to counseling. We did that, and it helped to a point. The problem I'm having is that I can't get past it all. He wants me to stop living in the past, but I can't get past the fact that he made me feel so worthless and unimportant for so long (as did my mother, as did nearly every kid I went to school with K-12). Even more, he completely stomped on my dreams of going back to school and pursuing my career. Now he wants me to help him with his ED by initiating sex, and he's mad because I've told him that's something I don't want to do. I can't feel anything but resentful about this. Where was he when I had needs? Why were my needs always put on the back burner because they weren't important enough? He thinks I should just be able to get over it all, but I just can't. Nearly 15 years of being used as a doormat and being told nothing about me is important can't be erased overnight, and really doesn't make intimacy all that appealing. Maybe it's because things haven't changed all that much, and I don't have much faith that they will. I wish I knew how to deal with it.
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I have been married for 21 years. For years 2-16, he was emotionally abusive and neither one of us recognized it. Everything was about him - what he wanted, what he needed, what he thought was best for our family. For this time, he never lifted a finger to help around the house: never got up in the middle of the night with a crying child (his work was more important than mine, so his sleep was more important), never washed a dish, cooked a meal, cleaned a surface in any room (he was too tired from work, even though I worked a 40+ hour week, too, for a long time). He would ask my opinion about things, but always did what he thought was best, so asking me was basically done to appease me in some way. His parents (especially his mother) treated me like garbage and he never defended me (they still do and he still doesn't), he just told me "that's just the way they are, you just need to get used to it." When I wanted to do something (like go back to school), I was always told it wasn't the right time. When he wanted to do something, he told me he was going to do it, and then he did. I got to a point where I felt like a maid with benefits, not a wife or partner in a relationship. He told me I shouldn't feel that way because that's not what he intended, completely invalidating everything I thought and felt. I finally reached a breaking point when he lost his job, had nowhere to go and nothing to do, but he was still watching me wash dishes, clean toilets, and doing nothing to help. I told him I wanted him to leave, but he wanted to go to counseling. We did that, and it helped to a point. The problem I'm having is that I can't get past it all. He wants me to stop living in the past, but I can't get past the fact that he made me feel so worthless and unimportant for so long (as did my mother, as did nearly every kid I went to school with K-12). Even more, he completely stomped on my dreams of going back to school and pursuing my career. Now he wants me to help him with his ED by initiating sex, and he's mad because I've told him that's something I don't want to do. I can't feel anything but resentful about this. Where was he when I had needs? Why were my needs always put on the back burner because they weren't important enough? He thinks I should just be able to get over it all, but I just can't. Nearly 15 years of being used as a doormat and being told nothing about me is important can't be erased overnight, and really doesn't make intimacy all that appealing. Maybe it's because things haven't changed all that much, and I don't have much faith that they will. I wish I knew how to deal with it.
May 24, 2015 - 4:38pmThis Comment
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