Improved
6113 HealthChanged
3786 LivesSaved
3569 Lives1 lives impacted in the last 24 hrs Learn More
Photo: Photospin - Auremar
Physical and verbal abuse are forms of “visible” abuse. Scars and bruises, raised voices and demeaning and hurtful words are signals to others that something is not quite right in the relationship. It’s also easier for a wife to see and recognize that’s she’s being abused.
Emotional abuse, however, is much more insidious and not quite as visible. Certainly, a wife’s self-esteem and spirit are battered along with her body in the case of physical and verbal abuse, but a husband can kill his wife’s spirit without even raising a hand or voice against her. For this reason, many women don’t even know they’re being abused, or if they do it’s a long and difficult battle not only to work to repair the damage done themselves, but to get the abuser to recognize the harm that he’s done.
What are the signs of mental abuse?
“Emotional abuse is any nonphysical behavior or attitude that controls, intimidates, subjugates, demeans, punishes or isolates another person by using degradation, humiliation or fear” (www.focusonthefamily.com).
“Nonphysical behavior or attitude” can safely be interpreted to mean neglect, invalidating another’s thoughts and feelings, and refusing to acknowledge the needs of the other (whether intentionally or not). Over a period of time, this kind of emotional climate in a marriage can squeeze the life out of a marriage and out of a wife.
There is a difference between experiencing or inflicting emotional hurt and being emotionally abusive—it is important to make this distinction. Abuse is a cycle. It is not a once-in-a-while event that happens and hurts someone else. In many “ordinary” hurtful cases, apologies can be offered if truly sincere and heal the rift that the hurt has caused. Many hurts are unintentional, and if they were, there is (hopefully) remorse on the part of the person who inflicted that hurt, once the anger, frustration, etc., calms down and cooler heads prevail. With emotional abuse there is none of this. Like other forms of abuse, there can be apologies and promises to never do it again, and there is hope in the beginning that behaviors and attitudes will change—often referred to as the “honeymoon phase”—but somewhere in the back of many a wife’s mind, she knows that it’s only a matter of time before the abuser settles back into old routines.
The Profile of an Emotional Abuser
At the heart of an emotionally abusive husband is his need to ultimately be in control. He feels inadequate and harbors distorted beliefs about women and marriage, usually learned from an abusive father or other dominant male influence, or sometime due to lack of decent male role modeling in how to treat women. In many cases, but not all, an emotionally abusive husband can be manipulative and heavy-handed in keeping his wife “under his thumb”. The abusive husband is “self-referenced”, which means he only sees and considers things from his point of view; he deliberately refuses to or is incapable of looking at things from another’s perspective. “Selfish” and “self-referenced” are two different words and can be described this way: the “self-referenced person would give you the shirt off his back, but he doesn’t know you need it. The self-referenced person frequently violates the marriage partnership by acting without thoughtfully considering his partner’s point of view and needs” (Amy Wildman White). The abusive husband is also emotionally dependent on his wife; that is, his feeling of self-worth comes from being married. Most emotionally abusive husbands are unable to look at and examine themselves and why they engage in such spirit-killing behavior against a person they have avowed to love and cherish.
The Profile of an Emotionally Abused Wife
Women who find themselves in an emotionally abusive situation often have low self-esteems even though they may appear confident and in control of everything. An emotionally abused wife “looks to her husband’s acceptance of her as the measure of her worth” (White).
Unlike a man, who typically finds his identity through work, and academic or athletic achievement, “[a] woman’s identity is often based on her relationships” (White) this makes her vulnerable to abusive relationships.
One of the most common characteristics of an emotionally abused woman is that she is unable to enjoy sexual experiences with her husband. This is due to the deterioration of the trust and the lack of friendship and intimacy over the time of the relationship. Add on top of this societies’, her husbands’ and the church’s views that she’s not a good wife if she doesn’t meet her husband’s sexual needs and she may feel perpetually trapped in her marriage. What many people (including counselors and pastors) fail to realize is that “[t]he wife in these situations experiences intercourse as an indignity, almost as rape, because the physical and the deeply personal, loving aspects of sex…[i]ntimacy and trust, which lay the necessary foundation for a woman to respond sexually, have been removed from the relationship” (White) and she is left to emotionally detach herself from the situation just to survive—at the cost of her soul and spirit.
Call to Action
It’s time to lift the veil from these situations and recognize how much a person’s soul and spirit can be damaged without physical and verbal abuse. Abuse doesn’t have to come in the form of acting out a form of punishment, or lashing out with temper and words. Abuse can also be withholding affection, or never saying a kind word. It takes a strong woman to stand up against what everyone is telling her is her duty and recognize that this kind of situation is not okay, and to talk about it until somebody listens.
If you believe you are in an emotionally abusive marriage—which can take many forms to keep a wife dependant on a husband (a virtual prisoner in her own house)—or you’re not even sure if what you’re experiencing is emotional abuse, please join us in the Marital Discovery and Recovery group and share your story.
Sources: www.focusonthefamily.com; “The Silent Killer of Christian Marriages” by Amy Wildman White (http://www.safeplaceministries.com/pdf/The Silent Killer of Christian Marriages.pdf)
Add a Comment380 Comments
The past month i have been struggling with getting a divorce. I have been with this man for 12 years and he claims to be a christian but i cant see it. I feel as though i have been emotionally abused nothing i did was ever right nothing was good enough i felt pushed aside emotionally and financially Because he was going to do for his son like buying race bicycles sprint cars airsoft guns and so on and so forth. There is to many things to list as far as why i feel the way i do but i do know thst i have become very detached sexually emotionaly and physically I could careless about anything any more. The one thing that keeps me here is this covenant that i made with him and god 8 years ago. How can i get past this? My kids left because of the things he has said and done but he always tries to turn things around to make it like he is the "good guy " i feel trapped. I left in 2012 but came back for insurance and also he wouldnt leave me alone we went to counseling and he came home with a book about a father and son and the game of football our marriage was never worked on ive just flat given up. Any advice ?
April 18, 2015 - 6:20pmThis Comment
We have a 37 year marriage going on here. We married at 19 and 20 years old. He is a successful business owner and I trained as a RN and was able to primarily stay home to raise four kids. Now all launched successfully.
We do "parent" well together.
Your article (after years of self help books and short counceling sessions alone) has so perfectly put into words what I believe has been at the heart of our un happy marriage relationship.
THANK YOU!
HE DID READ IT ... no comment to me on his thoughts. I don't believe he will say a thing.
We will stay married and refuse to split the family.
I would like to feel hopeful for change. But, like you said he probably won't unless he sees his part in our sad relationship.
Gratitude for all I have and thankfulness for the "good stuff" all around me along with supportive family and a few close friends I trust ... and NOW your article ... I will continue to do this.
BUT... can you send me a bit of encouragement?
March 26, 2015 - 6:26pmThis Comment
Yes:) Congratulations for successfully raising a family and launching the kids - that takes hard work and lots of sacrifice, nice job Mom! You can take comfort in the fact that you are still growing, expanding and searching, just by evidence of this email. Use your boundaries, learn all you can about the cycle of abuse (and read 'Verbally Abusive Relationship' by Patricia Evans, it addresses emotional abuse as well as verbal) and stay true to you. This sounds so simple and can be so dam hard but you can do it, you are stronger than you know. Hugs to you.
April 17, 2015 - 7:18amThis Comment
I am 24. My husband and I have been married for 3 years and we have a 3 year old daughter together. He used to beat me when he got mad. I let it happen for 4 months and I finally had the nerve to leave. After 3 months after I left I met a guy. He was nice and helpful and I was at a very low time in my life. We talked and hung out. My in laws jumped on that so fast and said the worst. Honestly, we hooked up once. And I still torture myself everyday for it. After 6 months of being separated my husband and I decided to give it a try again even with him knowing about the other guy. He says he loves me and would do anything for me. I cannot do anything I enjoyed. I am not allowed to have fun. I get that he doesn't trust me. But what about what he did? Once during our separation he came by drunk with 2 of his friends. Our daughter and I had fallen asleep on the couch watching TV. He ripped my underwear off and asked his friends who wanted to go first. He punched me so much his friends had to pry him off. All in front of our child. I still went back. I'm still trying to make things worse. He quit physically abusing me. But now he uses words. Calls me names. Tells me to leave. I'm so lost idk what to do anymore.
March 25, 2015 - 11:41pmThis Comment
RUN! MAKE A PLAN, AND RUN! RUNRUNRUNRUN FAST AWAY FAST> IT WON"T STOP> EVERYONE IS RIGHT ABOUT THAT>IT WON"T STOP> THERE ARE SOME GOOD STORIES WHERE THE MAN DOES CHANGE, but how many of those you see? VERY VERY RARE> AND WHAT YOU DESCRIBED? THAT MAN WILL NOT CHANGE> RUN, DEAR< RUN
October 2, 2015 - 12:18pmI believe it is too late for me, 55, and dying from stres related heart disease and heart failure, NOT to mention the Mental disorders I have accumulated during the 35 years of physical, emotional and VERBAL (like nobody's business) ABUSE!! That is a real hard one to get over,or out from under. There was a quote I read once it was about "how the whip may marketh the skin, but the tongue can breaketh the bones"
This Comment
PLEASE GET SOME THERAPY. This is dangerous stuff and the cycle of violence will continue, with words, fists, whatever is needed to keep the cycle moving. Please do this for your daughter and for you.
April 17, 2015 - 7:10amThis Comment
i have been married almost 9 yrs we have been together 10 yrs in all. i am finally able to put a name to what this treatment is called as he has been emotionally abusive the entire marriage.
u would not know it. he is the most charming snake walking around. he gets everything he wants in life bc he is that charming and personable remembering names and buying everyone thoughtful gifts etc. i have never seen him denied for any job, promotion, or raise. he makes best friends with everyone he knows. people constantly brag on what a "good man" i have and women adore and pursue him (and he has had 2 xtramarital affairs that i know of/he confessed to...and of course they were MY fault for me not being good to him he says). he is a very successful con artist. and if u could hear this man pray! he can pray so wonderfully in the name of Jesus.
i was a victim of childhood sexual abuse and vowed never to let someone step on me again. thats why it has taken me so long to pinpoint what this mistreatment is. its a different form of abuse im not used to. for example: he says whats wrong we can talk about it. i wont get mad. i promise to listen to u, i love u. i then voice my frustration about yet another inconsiderate, vindictive, evil thing he has done to upset me and he immediately turns defensive, full of excuses, NO apologies ever. reading these comments made me realize this man has NEVER apologized upfront about anything wrong in our entire marriage. its only after an argument like this, he will then say "sorry" and thats it...and thats usually followed up for a request for food or sex or some chore for him like thats my price for him saying sorry for shit he has done.
he has alienated me from his entire family and friends. he has successfully painted me as a paranoid, jealous, selfish, contolling bitch of a wife in their eyes. i believe he even put me on speakerphone for them to hear me curse him out. they just didnt get to hear what he had done to me yet again for me to curse him out and they dont care. they take his side. mister charming superstar. he befriended a new friend i had made and then talked trash about me to her every chance he got. he talked trash about me to her in subtle ways such as "warning" her about my "other side", complaining about how hard married life was with me, saying he feels suicidal from time to time and trapped with me. when she told me he was trying to get in her pants with all this, he denied it and said she was crazy. actually, i found out she was crazy in many ways and ended that friendship but so is he! that was 7 yrs ago when i first found out he talks trash about me behind my back to people, lying on me even. he has even lied on other people like saying his friend such-n-such told him to cheat on me or told him to do evil things to me. come to find out these people had never said any such thing. he just did that to make me not like them and im sure said mean things about me to them to make them not like me.
it wasnt until i recently heard him giving his evil criticism to our 13 yr old son that i snapped. i told him he will not dare talk to my kids like hes crazy or i will kill him. and i meant it. i dont care if he wants to talk crap about me to me others but he will not start this abuse crap with our 2 kids. so, now, after i called him by his real name yesterday afternoon-EMOTIONAL ABUSER- i told him i am leaving him. i told him i wont be with him another 6 months with this mess he calls marriage. i told him aware he is intentionally devising evil schemes and plans behind my back and delivering invisible slaps to the face regularly bc he wants to control me. i told him it ends today bc now i will take on being the BITCH he convinced everybody i was anyway. i told him dont talk to me at all yesterday and he didnt.
this morning he puts on mr humble nice husband act and says he is sorry for being evil to me all these years and he wont treat me like that anymore. i told him i am not listening to anything he is saying. i will only trust consistent action beginning with him calling each family member and family friend and explaining to them he is a liar and an evil husband and he has been lying on me for years and that he is going to repent and love me the right way as God commands. i saw a flash of pleading in his eyes but he has agreed to do it today after work. we shall see if he is serious about this as i am dead serious. i am done with that abuse.
March 25, 2015 - 10:25amThis Comment
UPDATE: so far, so good. he has kept his word and done everything he promised. we are even going to visit the inlaws for the first time in a couple years and i feel vindicated after he called each of them in front of me and admitted he has been horrible to me for years while iv done nothing but loved him. his mom prayed for us. lets pray he continues on the right path bc he knows better and is accountable for better as a believer. i dont care what his little boy/childhood issues are, that emotional abuse mess just wont do.
May 31, 2015 - 9:30pmThis Comment
Married over 33 years. I went to therapy because I wanted to jump out of a moving car--I believed I was such a horrible person and needed help--only to find out I have been at the receiving end of verbal, emotional, physiological, financial, gaslighing, etc. abuse for over 33 years. I don't have a job because I was severely injured over 4 years ago....He says 'he'll try'. 24 hours later he wants a blue ribbon for being good, and when I say I expect nothing less, he starts up again. He went to two sessions of therapy--and insists he wants to try--yet at the first attempt at a discussion, it starts again. I tried to ask if we should separate, he interrupts and continues for another 15-20 minutes, then I try again, then he interrupts again, and this goes on for over 2 hours. He does not want to solve conflicts, he loves and thrives on conflict. Our children are grown. What is the use in 'seeing' if 'he'll try'? I haven't ever heard of or read of a single person that says, "Hang in there! My husband got help and changed and our marriage is wonderful!" What am I waiting for?
March 22, 2015 - 12:19amThis Comment
I read the article from Darlene Oakley and while I was sitting at my office computer it opened a floodgate of tears. There I was!
March 19, 2015 - 2:45pmIt all started when I entered menopause, or so I thought, from then on my life became a constant barrage of hurtful mental abuse. All under the guise, Oh I want to help you. Never a caring supportive or sweet word. And it is still going on. No counselor or shrink could help. Of course he knows better what's wrong with me. Nothing is wrong with him, once in a while there is a token, I know I have my issues. It has become a joke for me, because he is convinced he has NO issues. I have totally 'removed" myself spiritually and sexually and trying to cope with the sadness and emptiness..
This Comment