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Physical and verbal abuse are forms of “visible” abuse. Scars and bruises, raised voices and demeaning and hurtful words are signals to others that something is not quite right in the relationship. It’s also easier for a wife to see and recognize that’s she’s being abused.
Emotional abuse, however, is much more insidious and not quite as visible. Certainly, a wife’s self-esteem and spirit are battered along with her body in the case of physical and verbal abuse, but a husband can kill his wife’s spirit without even raising a hand or voice against her. For this reason, many women don’t even know they’re being abused, or if they do it’s a long and difficult battle not only to work to repair the damage done themselves, but to get the abuser to recognize the harm that he’s done.
What are the signs of mental abuse?
“Emotional abuse is any nonphysical behavior or attitude that controls, intimidates, subjugates, demeans, punishes or isolates another person by using degradation, humiliation or fear” (www.focusonthefamily.com).
“Nonphysical behavior or attitude” can safely be interpreted to mean neglect, invalidating another’s thoughts and feelings, and refusing to acknowledge the needs of the other (whether intentionally or not). Over a period of time, this kind of emotional climate in a marriage can squeeze the life out of a marriage and out of a wife.
There is a difference between experiencing or inflicting emotional hurt and being emotionally abusive—it is important to make this distinction. Abuse is a cycle. It is not a once-in-a-while event that happens and hurts someone else. In many “ordinary” hurtful cases, apologies can be offered if truly sincere and heal the rift that the hurt has caused. Many hurts are unintentional, and if they were, there is (hopefully) remorse on the part of the person who inflicted that hurt, once the anger, frustration, etc., calms down and cooler heads prevail. With emotional abuse there is none of this. Like other forms of abuse, there can be apologies and promises to never do it again, and there is hope in the beginning that behaviors and attitudes will change—often referred to as the “honeymoon phase”—but somewhere in the back of many a wife’s mind, she knows that it’s only a matter of time before the abuser settles back into old routines.
The Profile of an Emotional Abuser
At the heart of an emotionally abusive husband is his need to ultimately be in control. He feels inadequate and harbors distorted beliefs about women and marriage, usually learned from an abusive father or other dominant male influence, or sometime due to lack of decent male role modeling in how to treat women. In many cases, but not all, an emotionally abusive husband can be manipulative and heavy-handed in keeping his wife “under his thumb”. The abusive husband is “self-referenced”, which means he only sees and considers things from his point of view; he deliberately refuses to or is incapable of looking at things from another’s perspective. “Selfish” and “self-referenced” are two different words and can be described this way: the “self-referenced person would give you the shirt off his back, but he doesn’t know you need it. The self-referenced person frequently violates the marriage partnership by acting without thoughtfully considering his partner’s point of view and needs” (Amy Wildman White). The abusive husband is also emotionally dependent on his wife; that is, his feeling of self-worth comes from being married. Most emotionally abusive husbands are unable to look at and examine themselves and why they engage in such spirit-killing behavior against a person they have avowed to love and cherish.
The Profile of an Emotionally Abused Wife
Women who find themselves in an emotionally abusive situation often have low self-esteems even though they may appear confident and in control of everything. An emotionally abused wife “looks to her husband’s acceptance of her as the measure of her worth” (White).
Unlike a man, who typically finds his identity through work, and academic or athletic achievement, “[a] woman’s identity is often based on her relationships” (White) this makes her vulnerable to abusive relationships.
One of the most common characteristics of an emotionally abused woman is that she is unable to enjoy sexual experiences with her husband. This is due to the deterioration of the trust and the lack of friendship and intimacy over the time of the relationship. Add on top of this societies’, her husbands’ and the church’s views that she’s not a good wife if she doesn’t meet her husband’s sexual needs and she may feel perpetually trapped in her marriage. What many people (including counselors and pastors) fail to realize is that “[t]he wife in these situations experiences intercourse as an indignity, almost as rape, because the physical and the deeply personal, loving aspects of sex…[i]ntimacy and trust, which lay the necessary foundation for a woman to respond sexually, have been removed from the relationship” (White) and she is left to emotionally detach herself from the situation just to survive—at the cost of her soul and spirit.
Call to Action
It’s time to lift the veil from these situations and recognize how much a person’s soul and spirit can be damaged without physical and verbal abuse. Abuse doesn’t have to come in the form of acting out a form of punishment, or lashing out with temper and words. Abuse can also be withholding affection, or never saying a kind word. It takes a strong woman to stand up against what everyone is telling her is her duty and recognize that this kind of situation is not okay, and to talk about it until somebody listens.
If you believe you are in an emotionally abusive marriage—which can take many forms to keep a wife dependant on a husband (a virtual prisoner in her own house)—or you’re not even sure if what you’re experiencing is emotional abuse, please join us in the Marital Discovery and Recovery group and share your story.
Sources: www.focusonthefamily.com; “The Silent Killer of Christian Marriages” by Amy Wildman White (http://www.safeplaceministries.com/pdf/The Silent Killer of Christian Marriages.pdf)
Add a Comment380 Comments
Fear is a powerful deterrent, but, yes, this is something that you need to do. He has broken his marital covenant with you and with God. And while the Bible does speak against divorce, there are certain circumstances in which it's allowable and two of those circumstances are in the instance of infidelity and abuse (God hates violence in marriage, Malachi 2). Obviously, divorce isn't the answer for everyone. I do know of a couple, for example, who were able to repair their marriage after an incident of infidelity, but that's only because they were well-grounded in their faith and rebuilt their marriage in that way. But I know there are a lot of people who still believe it's better to stay in an abusive relationship rather than be divorced.
Your first step should be to contact a family member who would be supportive. If not, there are likely local battered women's shelters in your area. If you're unsure about where those are, you can contact a local social services agency or church and they should be able to connect you. You could also contact your local police department who would also be able to at least point you in the right direction.
Keep us posted on your situation.
I was in your situation and it can be intimidating when you consider the church's teaching and position on divorce. But it's your husband who has broken his covenant, not you. You need to do what's best for your health and that of your children and if the burden of the divorce is weighing on your spirit, you know there is forgiveness and healing.
Take care.
October 23, 2014 - 7:35amThis Comment
I feel hopeless and stuck in my horrible marriage - my husband is the definition of self referenced emotional abuser- I have a 1 year old baby girl and I pray to god every day that I can find a way to leave and still take good care of my baby (I have a full time job but the Cost of housing and daycare....)I have no one to turn to - is there hope???
September 28, 2014 - 7:50amThis Comment
I'm praying for you. I have children and no support either. My husband doesn't want me to work. He works away for months at a time. We do visit him quite often, usually 1-2 weekends a month and every time my children are on break from school. My children are in private school and lots of after school activities, which is very expensive. I have played this out in my mind since before they were born. It gets harder and harder to leave . I don't see him more than half of the year so I've been able to deal with it. It's to the point now where it's affecting my children. I've been an emotional roller coaster. All I have is them. I feel like I'm beginning to take my emotions out on them and I will not do this much longer. I tried talking to him about it, but he thinks I'm crazy. I do love him dearly. He has lots of great qualities that I do admire, but I just wish and pray for him to recognize the issues and put forth an effort to change. He is a hardworking and honest man, but he is so self consumed it's a nightmare. He is always right, arrogant, and short tempered. He doesn't care about my opinion, how I feel, or what I'm dealing with on a daily basis. I don't know what to do. I can't imagine living without him, but I already am. I need help!
October 30, 2014 - 9:21pmThis Comment
Yes. Absolutely there is.
There are likely resources in your community. If you send me a private message, with more information about what community/state you live in, I (we, Empowher) can try and get you connected with the right people, or at least point you in the right direction.
Hang in there!
September 29, 2014 - 9:23amThis Comment
I read all the comments and the article as well. I am married with one daughter and two sons. I regard myself as a great father. I always wish the best for my wife and kids. I worked hard- holding different jobs to provide for the family. I studied even harder to create a better life for us. But I made one mistake that was unintentional- in fact, looking back, I feel completely innocent, but must pay for it.
In my quest to get a better standard of living for us, I unintentionally neglected my wife- hardly went out, always busy doing business, studying etc. Yes I took care of things financially. This went on for sometime- my wife was complaining but I could not see the reason or the logic. We started with each other at the age of 20 and 17 ,respectively. It is 28 years since we're together.
Very recent, I started thinking deeply and realised that I must put things into perspective. After her return on holiday, I told her upon reflection, I think that I made a mess and I'm sorry about all the hurt and pain I unknowing put her through over the years. I could not understand I put her through this... Anyway, I told her that road is closed forever and I'm going to be the best husband ever.
To my surprise, she said she did some reflection during her vacation as well and she has decided to end the marriage. Despite numerous attempt to get her to understand that I was completely unaware of the hurt and sufferings she was going through, she's just shut down. She said it was emotional abuse and not going back to that. She is not willing to at least give me a chance to make that change.
On my part I've always love my wife and kids without a doubt. I also feel its like hanging an innocent man. I feel it's like studying and working hard to get a better life for her and the kids and the reward is a stab in the back. I know I caused her hurt and pain but it was never intentional.
I would really want to hear your comments.
September 17, 2014 - 12:03pmThis Comment
It's very clear in your message that you love them. I think it's awesome that you had enough discernment to recognize eventually how your actions were affecting your family and that you wanted to do something to change that. I'm really sorry that your wife decided to end it and not give you a second chance after you worked so hard to provide and asked her for that chance to make things right with her. And it's clear that it pains you to realize how much you hurt her.
It's often the case that guys feel like if they provide, that's sufficient (I have a friend who's involved in that kind of relationship with her husband). Wives and families need so much more.
I don't know what laws are like where you are, but here you have to be separated for a year before you file for divorce (unless in extreme circumstances), to allow for the chance of reconciliation. Perhaps that kind of "trial" period will be enough to help her heal enough and for her to see you change. There's always the concern on the wife's part that he'll change only for a little bit, just to get me back, but then he'll go right back to the old habits. But sometimes that time alone can be a time of healing. Perhaps the family law courts where you are offer some mediation services or something?
If she's absolutely adamant, I'm not sure what to suggest except not to let her decision keep you from making the changes you know you need to make. You can't change her, you can only change you. Perhaps in the future, reconciliation will come, or you will at least be a good example to your children of recognizing you were doing something wrong, and making the efforts to change -- that speaks volumes even if you and your wife don't get back together. If reconciliation doesn't come, then you can take what you have learned and apply it to the next woman to come into your life. Perhaps some kind of social organization can benefit from you volunteering and acting out what you have learned.
I give you a lot of credit. There are many husband who don't realize this, who don't think there is any problem, and have no interest in changing.
Don't know if this helped at all.
Wishing you all the best, and thank you for giving some of us hope that there are guys out there that are willing to do something about it.
September 24, 2014 - 8:09amThis Comment
I have been married for 25 years. My husband has always been unusual in that he never wanted sex. From the beginning he put me down, lectured me on everything and happily pointed out my short comings. During arguments it was always my fault and I was and am always immature, a high schooler according to him. I have moved across country more than once, always very far from my family and friends. He separated our finances, and tries to tell me what I should do with the money I earn.
August 24, 2014 - 11:30amRecently we moved (yet again) a few states away so that he can accept his "dream job", since we have been here, he insults me openly. Tells me that he has never been attracted to me, that I don't know anything, I need to just get in shape, that he can not trust me ( he gave me his credit card to pay for a car repair and took my son for breakfast (when he asked)). He makes me feel like I'm crazy for even opening my mouth. He knows better about everything. I feel so alone in the world. All I have are my sons and they are at an age that they need financial support. I don't know what to do. I often wish I were dead.
This Comment
I'm so sorry that you're going through this. While I know the other commenter meant well, leaving is quite difficult. It's understandable that you're not ready to do that yet. What's more, being emotionally abused erodes your self-esteem, making it even harder to leave. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-799-7233/1-800-787-3224 (TTY). This IS domestic violence, so please do not feel like you need to be physically hit before you can call. I hope they can help you create a plan to leave.
September 8, 2014 - 4:34pmThis Comment
your sons should be the #1 reason to get out of there. please look online for abuse helpline that can give you the tools to get out of that hell, your kid will repeat the pattern if you stay. if you won't do it for yourself then do it for your sons, if you were dead what do you think will happen to your son? you rather his abusive father care for him? stop the pattern of abuse there are so many places to get the right help and protection, money will come in fact. he will have to pay for them but if you don't work even if it is at a supermarket you can't prove to be able to care for them., to a judge... don't think about it and do it get the help pack your bags and go! money will come, the ISA is an amazing country with many aids you can use
September 5, 2014 - 3:21pmThis Comment
Wow. Thank you so much for sharing your experiences. This is definitely emotional abuse and considering it's been going on for 25 years, no wonder you feel like you do.
You didn't mention what he's like about you having friends or what kind of social life you have, if you have one. I'm suspecting you don't have much of one because he controls that.
Walking away with your boys will be a long, life-building journey, but I think for the sake of your boys (and their definition about how to treat a woman) you need to do this. You can get child support and, likely, alimony. If you need help in that regard I can connect you with someone who's been through the process, and there are resources through EmpowHer that we can engage for you. Please get in touch with me through EmpowHer's messaging system.
You have done the right thing in posting here. The main reason I wrote that article was so that women just like you will know that they're not alone. You are not alone. Sadly, many women across North America are experiencing the same thing. We'd like to be the start of your resources to get you connected with the right people.
I agree with the other commenter, your boys need you. I know it's hard to be strong, right now - it was hard for me - but you need to do what's best for you and your boys, and exposure to that kind of toxic environment is not good for either you or your boys, if you hope that they have successful relationships and marriages some day.
Please keep us posted on how you are doing and get in touch with me through EmpowHer's messaging system so we can get resources rolling for you.
August 25, 2014 - 6:17pmThis Comment