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Emotional Abuse: The Invisible Marriage Killer

By HERWriter
 
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Mental Health related image Photo: Photospin - Auremar

Physical and verbal abuse are forms of “visible” abuse. Scars and bruises, raised voices and demeaning and hurtful words are signals to others that something is not quite right in the relationship. It’s also easier for a wife to see and recognize that’s she’s being abused.

Emotional abuse, however, is much more insidious and not quite as visible. Certainly, a wife’s self-esteem and spirit are battered along with her body in the case of physical and verbal abuse, but a husband can kill his wife’s spirit without even raising a hand or voice against her. For this reason, many women don’t even know they’re being abused, or if they do it’s a long and difficult battle not only to work to repair the damage done themselves, but to get the abuser to recognize the harm that he’s done.

What are the signs of mental abuse?

“Emotional abuse is any nonphysical behavior or attitude that controls, intimidates, subjugates, demeans, punishes or isolates another person by using degradation, humiliation or fear” (www.focusonthefamily.com).

“Nonphysical behavior or attitude” can safely be interpreted to mean neglect, invalidating another’s thoughts and feelings, and refusing to acknowledge the needs of the other (whether intentionally or not). Over a period of time, this kind of emotional climate in a marriage can squeeze the life out of a marriage and out of a wife.

There is a difference between experiencing or inflicting emotional hurt and being emotionally abusive—it is important to make this distinction. Abuse is a cycle. It is not a once-in-a-while event that happens and hurts someone else. In many “ordinary” hurtful cases, apologies can be offered if truly sincere and heal the rift that the hurt has caused. Many hurts are unintentional, and if they were, there is (hopefully) remorse on the part of the person who inflicted that hurt, once the anger, frustration, etc., calms down and cooler heads prevail. With emotional abuse there is none of this. Like other forms of abuse, there can be apologies and promises to never do it again, and there is hope in the beginning that behaviors and attitudes will change—often referred to as the “honeymoon phase”—but somewhere in the back of many a wife’s mind, she knows that it’s only a matter of time before the abuser settles back into old routines.

The Profile of an Emotional Abuser

At the heart of an emotionally abusive husband is his need to ultimately be in control. He feels inadequate and harbors distorted beliefs about women and marriage, usually learned from an abusive father or other dominant male influence, or sometime due to lack of decent male role modeling in how to treat women. In many cases, but not all, an emotionally abusive husband can be manipulative and heavy-handed in keeping his wife “under his thumb”. The abusive husband is “self-referenced”, which means he only sees and considers things from his point of view; he deliberately refuses to or is incapable of looking at things from another’s perspective. “Selfish” and “self-referenced” are two different words and can be described this way: the “self-referenced person would give you the shirt off his back, but he doesn’t know you need it. The self-referenced person frequently violates the marriage partnership by acting without thoughtfully considering his partner’s point of view and needs” (Amy Wildman White). The abusive husband is also emotionally dependent on his wife; that is, his feeling of self-worth comes from being married. Most emotionally abusive husbands are unable to look at and examine themselves and why they engage in such spirit-killing behavior against a person they have avowed to love and cherish.

The Profile of an Emotionally Abused Wife

Women who find themselves in an emotionally abusive situation often have low self-esteems even though they may appear confident and in control of everything. An emotionally abused wife “looks to her husband’s acceptance of her as the measure of her worth” (White).

Unlike a man, who typically finds his identity through work, and academic or athletic achievement, “[a] woman’s identity is often based on her relationships” (White) this makes her vulnerable to abusive relationships.

One of the most common characteristics of an emotionally abused woman is that she is unable to enjoy sexual experiences with her husband. This is due to the deterioration of the trust and the lack of friendship and intimacy over the time of the relationship. Add on top of this societies’, her husbands’ and the church’s views that she’s not a good wife if she doesn’t meet her husband’s sexual needs and she may feel perpetually trapped in her marriage. What many people (including counselors and pastors) fail to realize is that “[t]he wife in these situations experiences intercourse as an indignity, almost as rape, because the physical and the deeply personal, loving aspects of sex…[i]ntimacy and trust, which lay the necessary foundation for a woman to respond sexually, have been removed from the relationship” (White) and she is left to emotionally detach herself from the situation just to survive—at the cost of her soul and spirit.

Call to Action

It’s time to lift the veil from these situations and recognize how much a person’s soul and spirit can be damaged without physical and verbal abuse. Abuse doesn’t have to come in the form of acting out a form of punishment, or lashing out with temper and words. Abuse can also be withholding affection, or never saying a kind word. It takes a strong woman to stand up against what everyone is telling her is her duty and recognize that this kind of situation is not okay, and to talk about it until somebody listens.

If you believe you are in an emotionally abusive marriage—which can take many forms to keep a wife dependant on a husband (a virtual prisoner in her own house)—or you’re not even sure if what you’re experiencing is emotional abuse, please join us in the Marital Discovery and Recovery group and share your story.

Sources: www.focusonthefamily.com; “The Silent Killer of Christian Marriages” by Amy Wildman White (http://www.safeplaceministries.com/pdf/The Silent Killer of Christian Marriages.pdf)

Add a Comment380 Comments

HERWriter (reply to Anonymous)

Thank you for sharing that. There is certainly always an option to fight back against this sort of thing. Perhaps that's one thing she can do is look for support outside her family that will be able to keep her out of this toxic relationship.

October 25, 2014 - 8:00am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

I have been in an emotionally abusive marriage for 37 years. Four years ago I was confronted with the reality that my husband is a womanizer besides a compulsive gambler. I thought we had a good marriage or so he always made sure I thought so. He lies and lies when confronted by me and blames me for saying "no" to sex when he wanted it. He won't take responsibility for the abuse and my depression.
I can no longer live this way, but I am having a hard time leaving. I always come up with an excuse why not today. I am seeing a therapist and hope to be able to disengage from this toxic dance soon.

October 18, 2014 - 4:54pm
HERWriter (reply to Anonymous)

The excuses "why not today" usually stem from the fear of the unknown and the many "what ifs" that come up when contemplating such a big step that will change everything forever, and you're not even really sure how exactly that will happen.

He won't take responsibility for the abuse and the depression you've suffered as a result. He probably doesn't even see that he's done anything wrong. So waiting for him to take responsibility will be an exercise in futility.

But don't let him rob you any more of the life he already has. You can take responsibility for you and how you respond to your situation with him. You've already started that process by seeing a therapist.

I really do hope you can break free from this.

Please keep us posted.

October 23, 2014 - 12:51pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

I to am being emotionally abused I just realized it, We have been disconnected from eachother for several Months then all of a sudden he wanted to get Married when his Pastor kept nagging him about why we weren't Married. He then begin to nag me about getting Married I feel like I was forced into Marriage since getting Married it's worse .

There has been NO sex no intimacy nor love I've had enough and planned to leave Today October 13 but he took off Work and has been trying to get me to talk to him and trying to play with me he knows I'm done Divorce is what I want no!!!!!!

October 13, 2014 - 11:26am
HERWriter (reply to Anonymous)

I'd be interested to know the pastor's reasoning behind the "nagging" for your now husband to get married, although I can probably imagine what it might be. I would have hoped that there would have been some pre-marital counselling prior to this to assure the pastor that this was the right way for you to go as a couple. Even without the details, it sounds like a toxic environment for you.

It's hard to know what to suggest or recommend, just that you must do what's right for you.

Please keep us posted on how you are.

October 23, 2014 - 1:21pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Darlene Oakley)

I agree it's very Toxic, He's been His Pastor's right hand Man for a very long time he Teaches Sunday School, Ushers and is also a Youth Minister.We had the perfect Relationship then all of a sudden he went silent no talking no sex no intimacy.I asked him several times what's going on got no straight answers only that God was consecrating him.
He and I sit and talked I told him I was very unhappy and thought about leaving him, we bacame just Friends what's the point in being in a Relationship that's platonic I felt he deprived me in many ways next thing I know Pastor says we either needto get married or seperate I wanted to seperate because by that point I was sure I no longer loved him and I told him so now I feel like a trapped Lab Rat and I just want out.

October 27, 2014 - 8:34am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

I too am struggling in my marriage. We have three children and we have a cycle of fighting (8years worth). Recently it was over how I don't contribute to the family and I'm lazy with cleaning the house and he does everything. I work full time. Frequently he calls me names such as retarded or the wall has more common sense the you . I have been so depressed lately with panic attacks . I have lost the love and I don't know if I should stay or go. He has recently said that he no longer will be mean to me or mad that I don't clean the house to his standard, he'll be happy to clean it himself. As long as when people come into the house I said he cleaned it and give him credit. Sigh , I just don't know what to do.

October 13, 2014 - 7:02am
HERWriter (reply to Anonymous)

What a sure-fire way to stomp all over a person's self-worth. My ex used to say something similar when I decided that time with my son after supper was more important than washing dishes, and that my day of managing everything in the household left me very little energy to take care of the house like I would have liked, and then he has to point it out to me how many things I haven't done.

As to whether or not you should go, let me ask you this, if he were using his fists as often as he uses his words, would you be wondering if you should go or not?

No, it's not an easy choice to make, and it's not an easy path once you make the choice to leave, but somehow you have to take charge of the situation you're in because he's only going to keep tromping over you if you don't. There are support systems in place for both you and your children, if you're not sure where to start try the local police department or social assistance agency. Don't give up until someone listens to you and gives you the help you need.

Please know you have support here and keep us updated on your situation.

October 23, 2014 - 1:27pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

I read this article a few weeks ago.. But wished I would have responded! I am dealing with this as we speak. I prayed everyday for God to change his heart, his words, his actions.. And nothing. But I now understand sometimes the answer is simply no. I got to the point of praying for God to change me.. And well he has. But not in a way that makes my marriage work. My husband and I have been boo boo bandaging or marriage before it even began. Along with emotional abuse, he has severe anger issues. Which doesn't turn physical.. It just makes things emotionally hurt worse. When your kids have to see stuff thrown and break, clothes rip to shreds, yelling, cussing, name calling, put downs it makes things triple worse. It makes u wanna ball up and cry. I don't eat and I half sleep. Biggest thing is that he seems to be seeking God.. But just in his relationship with him and that's it. Which of course is great. But it ain't changing his actions. The mental abuse is still there. Constantly being self centered, inconsiderate of my feelings.. It's always what I don't do right, at all, or enough. Nothing I cook is good enough, nothing I clean is good enough.. The most apparent answer is to leave I know..

But what do u do when you deal with someone with anger issues, threats of taking your children away from you.. It's all a complicated situation.. I have lost love for him. I love him as my children's father.. But that's about it. Sexual feelings, emotional attachment, physical attachment is gone. There was an affair, 3 years ago, trust was lost. I was never given anything to build it back up. Then I know I of one attempt of an affair 1 1/2 ago.. Which I just found out about.. But can't confront him without a blow up. Assumption of another affair around the same time.. Based off His actions towards the girls fiance and me has me still questioning.. A secret pornography addiction I had known nothing about.. He keeps saying God healed him of it.. But kept finding things that said otherwise.. I had to make sure he had a basic phone with absolutely no internet. I have thrown in the towel.. Just don't know where to begin.. I've always let fear stop me from such decisions as these.. But I think this is something I need to do.. I'm scared I'm going against God, because I know what the bible says about divorce.. But what does it say about such abuse??? What is first steps to begin the leaving process when I have kids?? Help

October 10, 2014 - 6:29am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

My situation is very similar to yours except that we have 4 kids :) I was also concerned about the spiritual aspect of divorcing my husband and also don't want to be disobedient to God. Check out a blog called divorce minister at www.divorceminister.com. It is done by a pastor and he and his wife provide some excellent bible based info about Christian divorce and infidelity.

January 4, 2015 - 4:11pm
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We value and respect our HERWriters' experiences, but everyone is different. Many of our writers are speaking from personal experience, and what's worked for them may not work for you. Their articles are not a substitute for medical advice, although we hope you can gain knowledge from their insight.