Emotional Abuse: The Invisible Marriage Killer

I am in an abusive marriage. Mostly emotional. I am exhausted....so tired. I feel like my life has been sucked out of me. I do not have the resources to leave. I have anxiety and panic attack that it has disabled me. I just don't know what to do. I am 55. If I could financially move out, then I would. It is so frustrating. And yes, I still very much love him. He is so damaged himself that he cannot see how he damages me. He also binge drinks and then i end up drinking with him when i really never wanted to then I feel horrible the next day. He also tells me that he does love me. He won't allow me to go anywhere that might be fun, without him. I feel suffocated and helpless. And I do not drive because of my extreme anxiety so i am in the house almost all the time. Any suggestions?

I never thought that I would be a battered wife, but for years I sensed the possibility that I would be a dead wife. I gave my marriage my all. I was a submissive, loving and devoted wife. From the beginning and throughout our 17 year long marriage, my husband would build me up with beautiful, romantic words. But he would also lecture me for hours in a very controlled, logical way. I would endure the best I could, but after time I would get very emotional. Early in our marriage, when I began to cry or scream, he would become apologetic and things would get better. He had very simple rules: I was not allowed to drive--he gave the car I brought to our marriage away to a friend. During the marriage, there were brief seasons when I was allowed to drive, but they always ended with him parking my car or getting rid of it by giving it away or selling it. He belittled my driving until I would tremble behind the wheel, convinced I would get in an accident if I drove. His other rule was to keep me completely in the dark financially while demanding complete trust and secretly exploiting my credit. I said "yes" over the phone and signed my name on credit applications under emotional coercion: "I can't be a man and provide for you if you don't trust me."
The children came along. I clung to my faith and became increasingly more religious. He used my religious convictions as an excuse to further isolate the children and I by always preaching about the dangers of worldly influences.
He worked from home and kept unpredictable hours. He convinced me to let my professional massage license go. He didn't want to babysit our children while I took the required CEUs or pay for license renewal. It got to the point that in spite of our talents that we wanted to use at church, we could no longer go to church predictably or be depended upon for anything because we never knew when or if or even what church we were going to or not going to go to.
There were times that I became very afraid that if I stood up to him, I might die. I tried to deny these feelings and take those "evil thoughts captive". For several years, he kept talking about us moving to a remote, off the grid cabin in the mountains of California. He spoke of it as our only hope for him to spend quality time with us as a family because the climate would be cooler. My sister recalls me telling her that if we did move out there and she couldn't get a hold of me on the phone for a few days, to please drive from Indiana to California to make sure I was still alive. I was so extremely afraid of him even though he had never hit me. His long lectures were so tortuous that I would avoid them at all costs. I had very few friends and was afraid to make new friends for fear they would notice or comment on his control or my isolation. I lived in dread of his constant texts or the sound of his foot steps upstairs.
He began neglecting me sexually after our children came along and while I was pregnant with our son, moved to the upstairs bedroom. He said he didn't want to cuddle me anymore because that made him want to have sex with me and he didn't want to have sex with me because the children might interrupt us. I grieved when my husband quit wanting to be with me. I thought he was just a work -aholic.
My husband rarely ever raised his voice at me. He used his tone in such a controlled and demeaning way but kept his words very intellectual and articulate. And yet he would daily tell me that I was the best thing that ever happened to him and that I was the most beautiful creature he had ever laid eyes upon. He preached unrelenting fidelity and commitment to our family and yet his presence filled me with dread and anxiety.
I left him one year ago come January. After reading a book called Boundaries, I realized, that I should not ignore and stuff away my feelings of fear and anger anymore. I began to see how the control was hurting my children and decided that I needed to stand up to my husband for their sake. I had no intention of leaving him or getting a divorce.
Please, I will relay the events that led up to my desperate flight. I think if I would have stayed, I would not be alive today, but am I crazy?
His last excuse for me not to drive was that we only had one car. Although he was self-employed and had complete control of his schedule, he maintained that he might need the car at a minute's notice and also, if I had roadside trouble, he would not be able to come get me. He also insisted that I was not able to protect our children from the worldly things they would see at the grocery store.
But last fall, while I was reading the Boundaries book, my husband bought a new vehicle. He conceded that the old vehicle was now my vehicle. But it took me a few months to even garner the courage to drive it. I so hated his lectures and my son banging on the bedroom door yelling at his Daddy not to make his Mommy cry.
Two weeks before I left, the children begged me to drive them to a park. I was so scared! First I took them hiking at the park in walking distance but they still begged me to take them to their favorite playground a few miles away. I reassured myself that I had a driver's license and was a capable driver and that even if he lectured me for three hours, the pleasure of my children was worth it. Surprisingly, he did not lecture me. He seemed fine with it. I was so excited. Then two days later he emailed me that the car had a tire that was low in air and that the car needed gas. He asked me to give him a week to fix those things and then I could drive. A week went by without him gassing up the car or fixing the tire. Unbeknownst to me, he went back to bed while the children and I were getting ready for church. I reassured the children that since the church was only three miles up the road and we did have two cars in the drive way and I had a driver's license that we could just go without him, but I texted him before getting in the car. In a flash, he ran down our enclosed staircase out into our driveway and parked his car perpendicular and behind my car, blocking me in. He then took the keys to both vehicles. We went out to the car with our arms full of stuff for church to find that I was blocked in and there were no keys. I watched calmly as my children ages 8 and 11 became completely unglued, crying and screaming that they hated their father.
He got ready and drove us to church late.
Two days later, we had an argument about him not allowing me to go to the grocery store and then complaining about my cooking. His mother who lived across the street actually bought most of our groceries because she knew I was not allowed to drive and had limited access to funds. For the first time, in all our years of marriage, he began to laugh while I cried. He then accused me of being demon possessed and questioned if I was even safe to be left alone with the children. I kept asking him to go away and leave me alone, but he refused until I was completely shredded emotionally and could not stop crying. I called a friend who offered us marriage counseling and who encouraged me to get help even if he wasn't ready to get help.
He refused the counseling.
The next morning, I woke up with a new sense of strength. I decided that I would prove to my husband my competency. I got my father in law to help me air up the tire and in answer to prayer, my daughter found the keys where he had hidden them behind a box on a shelf in his office. I took the children to Walmart and got the tire fixed under warranty. I spent less than $25 on groceries, put $10 in the gas tank and spent $25 on a homeschool project for the kids. Then I took the children to the library, because of our increased isolation since 2008, I had never taken my eight year old son to the library. The children and I were so giddy to be out and about but whenever I got a text or a phone call, we would all panic for a moment thinking Daddy had woken up and would find us gone.
He woke up when we were on our way home. I suddenly began to think of how violent it was that he blocked me in and that he had deflated the tire to keep me from driving it. I decided to park my car at my in-laws and beg her to make me a copy of the key because I didn't want him to block me in again or overpower me as he had done in times past and wrest the keys from my hand. But he met me in my in-law's garage and demanded that I give him the keys. He threatened to do enough damage to the car that i wouldn't be able to drive it or spend $500 and have the locks changed. I got the keys back from my mother in law and apologized for involving her. While I was doing that, he ran back up the hill to our house to get his spare key. He had to regain control of the car. He met me just as I was pulling out of her driveway. I don't know why I was going to drive my car back around the block to our house. I think I was numb. I didn't want to give up my car but I sensed that I was in danger if I wasn't careful with my words. My husband met me at the driver's side door and told me that he would drive the car back to the house. I refused to get out but invited him to sit in the passenger seat. I drove him around the block. As I was pulling in to our long driveway and while the car was still moving, he yanked the car keys out of the ignition, ran around to my door, told me to get out and that he would park the car. I got out and tried to get in the back seat with the kids but he sped up the driveway so fast and then slammed on the brakes, jarring the children.
As I walked up the driveway, all I could see in my mind's eye was my dead body and my children crying over me. I was terrified. Then my husband walked up to me and took the keys out of his pocket and held them in front of my eyes. He said, "See these keys, you will never see them again." I asked him why he was treating me like a child and why he was punishing me and he said, "the Bible says a man can punish his wife."
When I first texted a close friend that I was asserting my liberty in driving the car and to pray for me, that friend simply texted back, "I have two rooms." I knew after my husband's reaction that I had to get to those two rooms.
She was advised by her pastor that I was in danger and had to get out but that I needed to go where he could not find me. I wrestled all night in prayer and by morning had the courage to take my kids and run on foot to the nearby park and escape by squad car.
It's been nearly a year. My daughter's health has drastically improved and I now strongly suspect although I can't prove it in a court of law, that he had molested her. That's a whole other story of ugly clues that I couldn't see when I was in the relationship but that became crystal clear after I left.
I still second guess myself. Was he really going to kill me? In reading this information, it says that in 70 to 80% of the cases of a fatality, there had been prior physical abuse. I also read that the husband/boyfriend owned a gun and might demonstrate threatening behavior in a variety of ways. I suddenly recalled when my husband had used religious books to trap a mouse in a cubby in the upstairs bathroom and then shot it with his 22 shot gun. He refused to clean it up and made me clean up the blood and guts that had coagulated over night. He kept crazy hours, usually being up all night and sleeping until about noon. I remember one time that he had gotten angry with me about me wanting to not be left in the dark about our finances and he had grabbed me by both wrists and bent me over his ping pong table. I so had wanted him to hit me so I'd have a concrete reason to leave but he restrained himself. During another argument about my personal liberty regarding finances and the use of the car, he said that if it wasn't for the children he would divorce me. My daughter overheard and began crying. Then he leaned really close to my ear and whispered, "I wish you were dead."
With the exception of one incidence of stalking after he found out where I lived, he has left me alone and seemed respectful of my need to heal. He has attempted to respect my boundaries. He has sent financial support. He even gave me my car back after first installing a hidden gps tracking device which I had removed by a mechanic. Now it's time to file for divorce and I am scared out of my mind. The violent images of my dead body are returning to my mind to haunt me.
He has not had a prior history of violence, seems to be a religious person but still very much needing to control the people around him, he didn't cuss me out or overtly put me down, he used circumstances to control me and neglected me emotionally, sexually and would punish me with long lectures or by denying the purchase of things he had promised and that we needed because I disagreed or argued with him.

Has anyone else experienced this kind of abuse? It was so covert. I would have resisted overt abuse and gotten help so much sooner, but I was so confused and beaten down for so long. I'm still trying to shake off the confusion.

After being in a relationship for 20 years, I've realized over the last couple of years just how emotionally manipulated I've become. I've taken small steps to get my sense of self back, some successful, others held backlash. I don't have time to tell my whole story now but would l8ke to receive future postings on this topic. Reading these postings are validating and insightful!

I've been in a relationship for 3 years now. We have a 16 month old beautiful daughter. I actually feel like I'm depressed - I'm a shadow of my former self. I constantly get told I do nothing and I have no friends because I'm a loser. I actually do all the cooking, washing, shopping, daily cleaning and work 60 hours per fortnight and do EVERYTHING for our daughter. I pay for the groceries and childcare and contribute $1000 towards bills per month. I am 8 weeks pregnant, again, my family are overseas. I don't know what to do anymore, I am losing the will to live - I am only still here for my daughter. I used to laugh all the time but I feel my spirit has gone. I feel so lost. I am constantly put down or moaned at. I think I want to leave but I have nothing.