Why Doesn't my boyfriend want to have sex with me anymore?

I feel awful. I can't stop crying and feeling awful. I think my boyfriend is a bit more stressed now, but he is often stressed. When we met we were apart 3 days a week (he worked in another city during the summer, but we are in the same city for school) but those 4 days he was back we did it almost all the time. Those days weren't as stressful as it's been since school and work started back up, but I still want it almost every night, and I am stressed too! He keeps just falling asleep or saying he wants to but is too tired or saying he just wants to cuddle and I just cry while he sleeps. He had a problem with porn a while back, and it really bothered me. He said it bothered him too and that he's quit. I mostly believe him. After we had the big talk about that, we were doing it every day and I thought things were going to get good again, but that stopped. I think he was just doing it to prove some point.

I love him so much and we are getting ready to move in together and have talked about marriage and moving to another city. I've changed a lot--or am willing to change a lot--to be with him. In many ways he takes very good care of me, but I feel so completely undesirable and ugly. At the beginning I felt so incredible; I'd never felt so attractive and wanted. This morning we were going to do it but he wanted me to be on top and I couldn't because I just felt so ugly. He wasn't willing to switch positions OR spend time reassuring me. He just said he had to get up and get ready to head to campus.

I'm sure he isn't cheating on me, I just don't know what's going on. Maybe he just doesn't find me attractive anymore. He keeps saying I'm his baby and he tells me he loves me all the time and is affectionate, but just cuddling makes me feel bad when I want him so much. And then he says that I'm being mean. I was going to say we were more open about sex earlier on (we've been together 5 months which I know is a short time, but he is already my best friend and I've known since early on that I want to be with him) but I don't know if that's entirely true. I don't know how to get him to talk about this. I don't know what's going on. I keep thinking maybe I ought to suggest taking a break but I really don't want to; I know I'd be suggesting it just to see if it would get him to work with me on this. And this morning we took a shower and it was awful I just started to cry. I asked him to just tell me if he doesn't want me anymore; I'd rather just know what's going on. All he said was that he does, but I wasn't convinced.

The more I'm thinking about it, the more I'm pretty sure that he doesn't want me. I don't know what to do with that.

I am having the exact same problem with my boyfriend!!! We have been together a little over a year and we would have sex a couple times a day, everyday. It has been decreasing and now its seriously like once or twice a month. I will go through a whole birth control pack and realize we hardly even had sex. I always want to have sex. I feel like I'm always trying (cuddling, being naked, kissing) and he never goes for it. Even when I go for it, I just usually feel awkward because I'm not getting any back. I have told him jokingly and he laughs it off--although I am really serious. I know he's not cheating because I'm with him every day and night. It doesn't necessarily mean they are cheating. But I am in the same boat--I thought men wanted sex all the time---I feel like it is the opposite.

I'm so glad to have run into reading this forum as a lot of you were. It's one of those things that I don't want to talk about with my girlfriends. It's embarrassing to say the least. I'm sure they would understand, but I'm pretty sure that they won't either. We're both in our twenties. We're on the venture of obtaining what we want in life, together for the most part. There are stresses, impulses, problems we both face individually, but who doesn't? After a while, the ongoing lacking becomes another stressor. It feels like a cage I can't get out of. As if I need to accept it. But, deep down, I know I can't. He loves me, and I love him, but it makes me wonder if love needs to negotiate.

We've been together for 2 years now, engaged. We used to have sex a lot in the beginning of the relationship, due to the sparks and all that jazz. Time went by, he moved away, we still stayed together, and seeing him irregularly made it a lot more exciting, so, the excitement was still in a healthy working gear. We moved in together eventually. We are also now engaged. After a while, and as the relationship moved forward, I got very sick. It took months of therapy to get out of it, and I truly do believe that he was very stressed out. I'm fine now.... it's just that, the aftermath of those experiences still resonate because of the lack of....how can I put it.....advances he has made. I have confronted him about it, to a point where we're fighting, yelling, and bickering. The thought of being unwanted suffocates the hell out of me. I've realized, that it's not so much the sex now. It's something else. This problem is so personal to each one of us who are going through it because we go through the steps of blaming him/ourselves/situations..... it negatively affects what goes on inside. Since we've fought about it so much, when I make advances, I'm always so wary. When we do end up actually having sex, I feel like I'm the one who wants it most. I want to feel like he wants it just as much. It feels like pity sex, and it's not as enjoyable. It'd be nice to be ravaged, plundered into pleasure that makes me feel like he wants every part of me in that one act. Sex can be just a physical act, but can be much more than a physical act as well for those who are in committed relationsihps. I don't think emotions play a bigger role for women with sex than men when they love each other. I think knowing that disturbs the hell out of me because I'm feeling something for him that he's not feeling for me. That's the saddest part of this ordeal.

I am in a similar situation to all of you and reading all this is making me more upset. I have been with my boyfrieng for 6 months. In the beginning our sex life was amazing. For the past two months it has dwindled. I am always satisfying him and getting nothing in return. He doesn't look at me when I undress, it is almost like he looks away. He is not the cheating kind and we spend most of our free time together so I definitely do not think he is cheating. When I brought it up a few times he got upset and said im beautiful, theres nothing wrong with me, etc. etc. and that the more I brought it up the more I was pushing him away. I shut my mouth and just hoped it would get better. It didn't. He has back problems which I completely understand, but it is not all the time..so why when his back doesnt hurt, does he still not want me? I feel so hurt and insecure. I brought it up again and he acted like it was a new topic he said he never wants me to feel that way. I kept bringing up how it was in the beginning to show him that im not making this up in my head. He told me that in the beginning he was so excited to meet someone so great that he put everything else to the side and that once we realized we loved eachother all the stuff that he put aside (work, bills, etc.) has taken over him. I dont know what to believe anymore. That almost made me feel like okay, you were great until we were comfortable in love and now you dont feel the need to keep me?

Hi girl1,

There is clearly a break of communication between the two of you and trying to talk is certainly important here. He says he is not ready for another baby? Is this why he says he doesn't want to have sex?

Have you tried other things besides sex? Try to be intimate in other ways that are not baby making intimacy? I think he would enjoy the 'him' time that you are giving him if he fears pregnancy. I think men tend to go through a period of adjustment when a child is brought into the world and the fear of another pregnancy might be deterring his intimacy.

In the end, he needs to open up to you and if he cares about you, he will certainly understand that you are feeling inadequate about his intimacy towards you. Be open and honest with him. Tell him you feel inadequate. I think most men don't recognize our quiet ways of telling them that we are hurt or upset although we believe they are HUGE SIGNALS.

I hope this helps, please keep us updated!

mine too! we had a baby 2 months ago! and in just about 2 months we have only had sex 4 times ! We used to have sex every day !! I dont think he would have time to cheat he is always at work or home with me !when i try to touch him below the waist he pushes my hand away and says no !!! I get very angry and cry it makes me feel unwanted ,when i ask him what the problem is he reply's im tired ! And once he has even said I dont want to have another baby yet ! Although he knows i have been taking my birth controll and we have also been using condoms ! Can some one help me ! I feel like being sexual is a big part of a relationship ! We dont even hug or cuddle as much , or even sit near eachother fort that mater ! He tends to fall asleep on the couch ! Then crawl in the bed at 2 am ! What should i do i cant take any more rejection !

I am yet another girl with the same problem. When I was single before meeting my bf, I used to get a lot of attention from guys...it felt awesome. Now all I do is think back to those days and get very depressed. When my bf and I first got together, we had sex a lot. Not every day, but often enough that I was satisfied. A few months into the relationship, we ran into some stress when I found out that he was in debt with a credit card, and when I bailed him out, sex stopped. I can see how that'd be stressful. He repaid me, got out of debt, saved money, and we had sex again, but very seldom. Since then, it's gotten worse and worse. At first, I was feeling bad that it was only once a week if I was lucky. Then, every two weeks was it. Now, we've gone for over two months without so much as a makeout. We've now been together for over 4 years and this has been an issue since our first year together. He cuddles, he loves, he's an awesome boyfriend in EVERY *other* way. He's always telling me how much he loves me, hugging me, giving me pecks, telling me how cute I am etc, and he lives with me and we're pretty much never apart. He is not cheating. And yes, I know for sure. We have talked about the sex issue so many times now that I just don't talk about it anymore with him. It can only sometimes make a temporary, superficial improvement. He says "I don't know what's wrong, I think you're sexy, blah. I'll work on it." Then, for AT BEST two weeks I will notice a difference, we'll get intimate more often (and i don't just mean sex, but making out/touching) and then BAM! It's gone as suddenly as it came. I've told him that I just can't marry him if he won't put any more effort into this area, but even though he wants to get married, here I am posting on this website. After the first year, I got soooooo depressed that I started eating the kind of junk he's always eaten, instead of bunny food like I was used to. So to make matters worse, I've gained weight because of this crap... because I stopped caring if I looked sexy for him because I don't get sex! Like someone else that posted on here, my bf can even have a boner and still not try anything. It's even happened before that I've given him oral for a few minutes, and then THAT'S IT. Seriously? He enjoyed it, and I stopped before "finishing" to provide a window for other things, but nothing. I used to love giving oral but now I feel its not fair for him to get what I can't. Now I keep thinking about other men, and even the last few times we did have sex, I had to think of another guy just to get into it. I love him so much, but I don't even think of him that way anymore it seems. I'll never cheat, but if just *thinking* about it counts, then I've been cheating on him a lot. I have NO self esteem (most esp. around him) at this point so seduction isn't even an option.