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Tips for Being in a Relationship With a Man Who Has Asperger's or Autism

By HERWriter
 
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Being involved in a successful romantic relationship can be difficult for most people. Consider all the breakup self-help books available, the movies portraying cheating significant others, constant fighting and dramatic breakups, and your own relationship history.

Do you think these difficulties increase or decrease for someone with a mental disorder? Let’s just say that it’s not easy to have a relationship while trying to function “normally” in the world.

For people who have Asperger’s disorder or autistic disorder, social interaction is complicated. Although people with Asperger’s are thought to have high-functioning autism, they still have social problems. For example, people with Asperger’s don’t contribute as much socially and emotionally, and they don’t know how to use nonverbal behaviors as well, like eye contact, according to an abnormal psychology textbook.

Interaction and emotional reciprocity are important in relationships, so it’s no wonder that it would be a challenge for someone with Asperger’s or autism to be in a relationship. Although this doesn’t happen for everyone, it’s a stereotype that someone with these disorders will not share his or her emotions as frequently. For example, they might not say “I love you” or show affection as often, because they don’t understand and express emotions as well as the typical person.

If you decide to be in a relationship with someone who has Asperger’s or autism, it seems there are some things you have to consider to help the relationship work. Keep in mind, this may not apply to everyone who has Asperger’s or autism. There is the proposed autism spectrum disorder, which places autism and Asperger’s together. Basic symptoms will be the same, but specifics may differ.

This is what I have observed after being in a short relationship with someone who thought he had Asperger’s and through reading different articles:

1) Don’t assume the other person is uninterested, just because he isn’t telling you he likes you or finds you attractive. Decide what you think of him and let him know. After he is aware of your attraction and isn’t confused about nonverbal gestures and flirtation, it might be easier for him to decide if he feels the same way.
2) Don’t be alarmed if your significant other is confused by romantic gestures, like hugging or kissing. Stop if needed, but also try explaining what the gestures mean, or suggest going to a psychologist together so you can work on your partner’s relationship skills.
3) Tell your partner how you are feeling, especially if you are angry, and why. Your partner may not understand your emotions and why you are reacting a certain way.
4) Learn what his interests are, and try to engage in activities focusing on those interests. Go on a few dates where social interaction isn’t necessarily the focus.
5) Ease him into large social situations, like parties or group outings. Understand if he is overwhelmed or decides not to go with you – he might prefer being alone or with less people.
6) Understand that some people with Asperger’s can be brutally honest, according to the book “Asperger Syndrome and Long-Term Relationships.” The book explains that when talking about reasons for marriage, a person with Asperger’s might say that there is an availability of sex as the main reason, while not including his love of his significant other. Romance can be puzzling to someone with Asperger’s, but again, you will probably see improvement after explaining the meaning behind it, why it’s necessary and that it makes you feel good.
7) If your partner talks in a confusing manner, like in riddles or using complex vocabulary, or doesn’t answer your questions directly, ask him for more clarification. Also, remember not to use riddles, jokes or sarcasm in the same way you would with someone who doesn’t have Asperger’s or autism. If you do, ask if they understood and then explain what you meant. Otherwise, they might be hurt by what you said or just be confused.
8) If your partner has certain quirks, like not wanting to talk on the phone, understand that it may be related to Asperger's. Confront them about the issue if it bothers you, and explain why.

Sources:
http://www.opposingviews.com/i/the-romantic-lives-of-young-adults-with-asperger-s-syndrome
http://www.specialfamilies.com/dating_marriage_&_autism.htm
http://www.amazon.com/Asperger-Syndrome-Long-Term-Relationships-Stanford/dp/1843107341/ref=cm_lmf_tit_3
Abnormal Psychology: An Integrative Approach by David Barlow and V. Mark Durand
http://www.dsm5.org/ProposedRevisions/Pages/proposedrevision.aspx?rid=94

Add a Comment186 Comments

EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

My advice is to get out now! I've been married to an AS for 12 years & together 15. I only realized there was really something missing in him after he got out of the Navy. You see, all the years prior to 2010 he was out to sea 7 months at a time. Gone a lot so I wasn't living with him 100% of the time. He would email me very sweet letters, but they were always kind of choppy & stilted. I just thought he was a bad writer! Well it's been 6 years of him being home &I'm so unfulfilled as a woman. Compliments ? Romance ? Empathy ? Completely nonexistent! He thinks paying the majority of the bills & buying me what I need/want shows love ! He's argumentative & just emotionally unavailable. He says he's told me things when he hasn't. I'll tell him something & he gets angry denying I've said anything. I've started texting him everything important so I can refer him to it. This is a miserable life. He's socially awkward & never wants to go anywhere or do anything.

He has NO friends, plays video games incessantly & has no concept of intimacy. He doesn't like to be touched & I'm a very affectionate person. He can't even stand to hold hands !! I'm not sure how much longer I can exist like this. On top of it he's a complete slob & cant see why his sloppy habits are completely frustrating & thoughtless ! Please don't subject yourself to this life. I'm the most lonely married woman on earth!! Good luck !

October 15, 2016 - 9:33pm
(reply to Anonymous)

I've been through this so many times. If you read the book The Other Side of Asperger's it might be helpful. Missing the "intimacy" is a huge part of why I can't and won't do it again. With Aspie's they tend to project a lot in my expereience. He is aloof and blaming it on your son. As for me, giving gifts is nice and I love it! Only in conjunction with the emotional intimacy part, whey they can't do. As a NT I can't do without it, I tried. Playing video games for 12 hrs isn't a normal guy thing getting caught up in sports. That is an addiction and especially if he isn't connecting with anyone, it is an escape. My ex used to think he could eat up most of the food in the house and than act like he didn't know my daughter and I didn't need to eat... it was one excuse after another. If I'd listened to the therapists, which by the way I can sense them in this posting, I'd just kept ignoring my gut and doing without, or spending more of my money that is for bills for food b/c of his sense of entitlement of having more. I won't do it again. He was selfish, what part of others living in the house that are your family didn't he get? He later after we split up admitted he was just being selfish. Good thing about my ex, he will aventually say it like it is / was. Too many therapists or others feel we NT should just compromise our selves to working with someone on the spectrum, b/c they have this issue. No b/c we NT end up losing ourselves and ALWAYS ending up with the less.... and we compromise too much. The book explains this, and will just say it like it is, if your willing to give up on certain things ( cuz they won't ever happen) then you might work it out. I for one am a very emotional being, connection, emotional intimacy are " have to haves". I ended up being the one that got sick over compensating to the video addiction, food and carb, sugar addictions, and no intimacy. I advise women to cut the cord and find themselves again. The majority cannot substain a intimate relationship. <3

August 29, 2016 - 1:01pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

It sounds like he loves you but just can't express it in exactly the way you want him to. My 6 year old son who has ASD also hardly ever says "I love you". That does not mean that his feelings and emotions and love are any less deep than mine. If you stay with him, you will just have to remind yourself over and over, any time that you forget, that just because he can't express it in the way you would like him to does not mean that the depth of emotions is not there. He probably finds other ways to express it to you, such as his texts and phone calls to you. I think the important thing is to look for the positives and notice the things he does do, not the things he doesn't do. Also it may be really difficult for you to do and against your own nature, but you may need to explicitly spell out to him what you would like him to do or what you need him to do - ie. can you make enough dinner for me as well as for you.

August 28, 2016 - 11:55pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

Well, I'm 40 years old...the last thing I want to do is "train" a man to show love and feelings. If I wanted another kid, I would have had another. I have spelled out all of the things that women generally expect in a relationship and we have visited a counselor a few times who also told him women want to feel emotionally connected in a relationship but it's just not the way his mind works. I went out with a friend for dinner and drinks a few days ago and while her husband called to check on her, he didn't even call me at all that night to make sure I had made it home safely. The next day, nothing...until I called him. You can't "train" someone to genuine care about someone else's well-being. I'm not saying people with this condition are bad people, I'm just saying it's like oil and water....there's no cohesiveness. I told him yesterday I can't do this anymore....I cant live a life of frustration and emptiness.

October 31, 2016 - 8:32am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

Maybe he assumes you are a smart and capable person and would call him if you had an issue.

You seem to be saying he does not love you because he shows it differently than you want.

Have you told him that you want him to call you every day to check up on you? Or are you just getting bitter that he is not reading your mind and are upset that someone else;s husband was calling her to make sure his wife was really going out with a lady friend?

May 4, 2018 - 7:31am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

Instead of complaining to yourself that he is selfish for cooking food and not making you any... are you communicating with him?

Have you said ,"hey honey, when you make dinner, make some extra for me in case I might want some."?

If not, he might very well think "well, I want to eat, make enough for one, or else extras might go bad"

I used to have this same problem. My wife would stop by taco bell and buy food for her and the kids. Then she would buy food for me. And set it out. I HATE this.. because she doesn't call to ask if I want something and if so.. what is it? I would not normally care, but sometimes, that type of food isn't really good reheated hours later if I had just eaten.

But I learned eventually that she doesn't think with her head, so she does stuff like that which I consider stupid. To her, I *guess* it means she is being thoughtful.

That being said. I prefer a call like this.. "hey I'm at taco bell, do you want something?" To me.. this would be best. Food isn't wasted.. if I'm hungry I'm happy.. and she would be thoughtful and be happy.

Nope. She doesn't like that. I think it makes her feel more like a servant or something, rather than being purely thoughtful.

It beats me. I gave up trying to figure her out.. but I prefer wasting money on cold soggy burritos than never getting melons at night.....

So I just buy an extra burger at mcD. Even if I think it's dumb.

August 26, 2016 - 8:27am
(reply to Anonymous)

It's that a Neuro Atypical thinks, processes differently, and they usually always want to do it their way, they are convienced it is the right way. No one wants to really say it, but it is true. My ex will eventually admit " yes, I was only wanting to do it my way". At least he is honest. That is why 95% of people on the Spectrum cannot hold a relationship. Usually in my experience it takes a co-dependent and at times a martyr to have a long term marriage work. My mother is. Even though it is painful and abusive, she still stays. It gets worse as they age also. Most often us NT get frustrated b/c we sense the passive aggressive covert actions and we can't put our finger on it. Their logic doesn't make sense to us. When someone has vested interest in being oppositional, it's nearly impossible to get clear communication. I often say to my ex " I did ask you" and then I do what feels best to me. I cover myself. Actions will often get through easier.

August 26, 2016 - 10:06am

[Sorry in advance for the long comment, I did try to make it shorter but hope it helps as a comment from the other perspective]

Hi, I'm a guy with high functioning autism, ADHD and a history of depression and OCD who has been married for just over 12 years (we've been together for 14). Although I always knew something was weird about me and I had trouble negotiating social situations, I was only diagnosed last week. Of course it's been my "special interest" recently! On the other hand, the ADHD was diagnosed a few years ago and my wife had been asking me to get treatment for it for about 5 years before I did. To be honest, the main reasons I didn't want to do it were because I was worried that medication would change parts of me that I liked (e.g. creativity) and I was aware that there were other issues that I didn't want to deal with - life can pretty stressful and it's hard enough without medication upsetting a delicate balance you've constructed, especially when you have a history of failure to meet your own expectations in many areas of your life.

Sure enough, once I began the medication (Strattera) I started having odd symptoms that matched things like autism and bipolar disorder. It was scary, but I kept going as I was learning a lot about myself and my wife thought I was nicer to be with (more engaged and less aggressive, although aggression meant something like saying "leave me alone" or throwing a pen across the room (away from her) if I felt overwhelmed by too much sensory input or demands and felt that I couldn’t express it in words – I’ve never sworn at her or threatened to hurt her in any way, and the last time this happened was about a year ago, before I started the medication). I also noticed that the symptoms hadn't started with the medication, it was more that I was noticing them as distinct and important issues now the ADHD was being addressed to some extent.

To be clear, my wife first suspected that I was autistic soon after we met 16 years ago, but I seemed to be managing fairly well in life without treatment and she didn’t want to make an issue of it, so she didn't tell me. When we first got married, we worked on things like skills for socialising, looking people in the eye, expressing love for each other and being clear with each other. I guess I had a rough idea about a number of issues and I wanted to avoid the kind of miscommunication I’d seen in other relationships, so I asked for a few basic rules to be kept: There must be no passive aggression. I often don’t pick up signals or forget things, so if she thinks I should do something, I may not know. If she tells me, I still may not know. If she tells me in the evening, I’ll forget. If she tells me, I repeat it to her and then I write it down, THEN I know. But I may still forget, so smartphones with notifications have really improved my life. If she wants something or isn’t happy, she MUST tell me. If she hasn’t done that, she is not entitled to feel bitter at all (the same goes for me, of course). I’m probably not trying to insult her or ignore her, but she may feel that way – always ask for clarification and apology if necessary. We have to take each other seriously and respect is important, but she doesn’t have to take my ideas that seriously, especially if I’m in the middle of a train of thought. I will try to find outlets for this to take some pressure off her. Many acts of love feel unnatural to me, but seeing them as actions that will make my wife understand that I love her means that they’re as authentic as saying something in someone else’s language. The learning process isn’t automatic, so we work on it together.

This may seem weird, but pointing out things that make you feel loved and pointing out when you did something to make the other person feel loved is a positive reinforcement mechanism that avoids feelings of bitterness when you feel taken for granted, and makes it easier to do those things next time. You will never change your husband by focusing on the negatives, you will only make him frustrated. This is doubly true for aspies, as we react to a negative emotional environment without knowing it – and we can be very stubborn. However, the opposite is also true and I respond very well to a positive and encouraging environment.

While I may not be particularly far along the spectrum, I have had a number of the same issues. I had no idea that she was interested in me for months, and just saw her as a friend for a long time and with many people trying to give me hints. When we were engaged or just married, I might not say hello to her when I arrived after not seeing her all day, and not be able to talk with her for an hour or more. We have had a number of miscommunications and she finds my obsessions hard to deal with at times (especially when they relate to our relationship or to beliefs – after meeting as missionaries, I became an atheist within four years of getting married). I really can’t just not have obsessions and I can’t prove that they won’t end up in a place that she won’t approve of. Such is life. However, I work on what I can do: she has my respect however different our views may be. I try to create the best conditions to allow us to be happy together, with as little pain as possible if we have to split up for some reason. I work from home and look after the kids while she works – I must take shared responsibility for the house, and she must not become a substitute parent or carer. This also means that I have less contact with people during the day, so I have more energy for the family when she returns from work. I discuss issues online, so I don’t have to bore her with them too much. I try to find obsessions that improve our marriage and make me a better person – feminism, psychology, cooking, child raising etc. From my encounters with theology and philosophy, I am aware of the many different and often harmful conclusions that smart and opinionated people reach – there must be more fundamental things than my opinions, however well-founded I think they are. We have certain contexts where she gets to talk about what is on her mind – generally every evening before bed. Similarly, she has people that she can talk with so I’m not bored with hours of conversation about the various people in her life (I’m not putting that down, it’s important but hearing it is like reading the phone book to me at times).

For my part, I have to think about my attitudes to this relationship: when I first went on the medication about 9 months ago, I became obsessed about divorce. After realising that I had alexithymia and was having difficulty identifying my emotions properly, I tried looking around the issue to analyse how I felt and why. I think it’s because of attachment issues and a feeling that I would be socially isolated without my wife, as well as a fear that I wasn't meeting her needs. Attachment is cute, but it can be dangerous and it can smother your partner. I have to deal with this by being more independent, holding the relationship in an open hand and making sure she is being looked after (and that we communicate more). She does not want to leave me, but we have talked about conditions under which she would do this for her own safety or wellbeing. It’s not that I am aggressive toward her or feel that this is likely to happen, it’s just that there are too many negative stories about husbands with autism and I don’t want my family to be hurt, especially by me.

I also have to think about my goals in life – there are many aspies who make their work or interests into an obsession, and I know how that ends. I try to keep myself grounded and ensure that I am involved with the family and not drifting off. Unfortunately I have a set of neurological issues that can cause a lot of trouble in relationships, but I am trying to make the most of the positive elements and find constructive outlets for the ones that are more risky. I have a very loving and supportive wife who respects me and herself, which makes a lot of difference.

May 18, 2016 - 5:34am
(reply to Jon_Roberts)

Jon, you undoubtably are very high functioning. First NA have a brain that is different and self motivation is an area that is very weak and at times non existant. You have a self motivated personality to direct your obcession in a way that supports your family and your wife. So, realize that the majority of Aspie's don't. Your much different.

Directing your interests twards relationhsips and psychology is a good way for you to keep your desire for intellect met and help your marriage at the same time. Again, that takes self motivation!

Most that I've known will learn lots about a subject and never really do anything about it. Intimacy is much different with a NA. Us NT can't understand it. For instance many NA only like to talk about sex, watch it, read it, and aren't really motivated to have it. Either that or they are obcessed about it. In my case that was a big issues, sex was an act to him, it was connection to me. It never felt intimate.

It's great that you beat the odds and seem to be able to continue a marraige, your in the 5% of those that can.

Your proactive measure are very rare. Again, your outside of the norm on NA behaviors.

As for me, I went crazy and was so depressed b/c I had to pull the bulk of the load, him not following through with said agreements, and me suffering greatly. My health suffered and I'd become a shell of a woman. He is happier alone. I'm finally after 5 years getting back to knowing myself again. As for my dad, well he will not ever change and his greed and narc's entitlement will continue until he dies.

Your a great example of what could happen. Certainly not what most often happens. <3

August 26, 2016 - 10:25am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to unknaspie)

You hit the nail on the head...it's an act to them, not a connection. Not a way to show and express love. Makes me nauseous just thinking about it. And forget any sweet talk before or after. Matter a fact, he has only told me once the whole time we've been together that I look nice even though I take the time to get dressed up/put makeup on etc.. I once asked him why he never gives compliments and his answer.....drum roll please...he feels weird saying it! Well, we'll see how weird he feels being by himself because I told him yesterday I'm done with this superficial relationship!

October 31, 2016 - 8:52am
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We value and respect our HERWriters' experiences, but everyone is different. Many of our writers are speaking from personal experience, and what's worked for them may not work for you. Their articles are not a substitute for medical advice, although we hope you can gain knowledge from their insight.