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Being involved in a successful romantic relationship can be difficult for most people. Consider all the breakup self-help books available, the movies portraying cheating significant others, constant fighting and dramatic breakups, and your own relationship history.
Do you think these difficulties increase or decrease for someone with a mental disorder? Let’s just say that it’s not easy to have a relationship while trying to function “normally” in the world.
For people who have Asperger’s disorder or autistic disorder, social interaction is complicated. Although people with Asperger’s are thought to have high-functioning autism, they still have social problems. For example, people with Asperger’s don’t contribute as much socially and emotionally, and they don’t know how to use nonverbal behaviors as well, like eye contact, according to an abnormal psychology textbook.
Interaction and emotional reciprocity are important in relationships, so it’s no wonder that it would be a challenge for someone with Asperger’s or autism to be in a relationship. Although this doesn’t happen for everyone, it’s a stereotype that someone with these disorders will not share his or her emotions as frequently. For example, they might not say “I love you” or show affection as often, because they don’t understand and express emotions as well as the typical person.
If you decide to be in a relationship with someone who has Asperger’s or autism, it seems there are some things you have to consider to help the relationship work. Keep in mind, this may not apply to everyone who has Asperger’s or autism. There is the proposed autism spectrum disorder, which places autism and Asperger’s together. Basic symptoms will be the same, but specifics may differ.
This is what I have observed after being in a short relationship with someone who thought he had Asperger’s and through reading different articles:
1) Don’t assume the other person is uninterested, just because he isn’t telling you he likes you or finds you attractive. Decide what you think of him and let him know. After he is aware of your attraction and isn’t confused about nonverbal gestures and flirtation, it might be easier for him to decide if he feels the same way.
2) Don’t be alarmed if your significant other is confused by romantic gestures, like hugging or kissing. Stop if needed, but also try explaining what the gestures mean, or suggest going to a psychologist together so you can work on your partner’s relationship skills.
3) Tell your partner how you are feeling, especially if you are angry, and why. Your partner may not understand your emotions and why you are reacting a certain way.
4) Learn what his interests are, and try to engage in activities focusing on those interests. Go on a few dates where social interaction isn’t necessarily the focus.
5) Ease him into large social situations, like parties or group outings. Understand if he is overwhelmed or decides not to go with you – he might prefer being alone or with less people.
6) Understand that some people with Asperger’s can be brutally honest, according to the book “Asperger Syndrome and Long-Term Relationships.” The book explains that when talking about reasons for marriage, a person with Asperger’s might say that there is an availability of sex as the main reason, while not including his love of his significant other. Romance can be puzzling to someone with Asperger’s, but again, you will probably see improvement after explaining the meaning behind it, why it’s necessary and that it makes you feel good.
7) If your partner talks in a confusing manner, like in riddles or using complex vocabulary, or doesn’t answer your questions directly, ask him for more clarification. Also, remember not to use riddles, jokes or sarcasm in the same way you would with someone who doesn’t have Asperger’s or autism. If you do, ask if they understood and then explain what you meant. Otherwise, they might be hurt by what you said or just be confused.
8) If your partner has certain quirks, like not wanting to talk on the phone, understand that it may be related to Asperger's. Confront them about the issue if it bothers you, and explain why.
Sources:
http://www.opposingviews.com/i/the-romantic-lives-of-young-adults-with-asperger-s-syndrome
http://www.specialfamilies.com/dating_marriage_&_autism.htm
http://www.amazon.com/Asperger-Syndrome-Long-Term-Relationships-Stanford/dp/1843107341/ref=cm_lmf_tit_3
Abnormal Psychology: An Integrative Approach by David Barlow and V. Mark Durand
http://www.dsm5.org/ProposedRevisions/Pages/proposedrevision.aspx?rid=94
Add a Comment186 Comments
As a man on the ASD scale there are some things I would add:
Even if he is developmentally incapable of understanding your feelings and needs right now, because of your current status you cannot and should not feel obligated to either him or the dating relationship. As mentioned take ASD out of the picture, if he were an NT and made the insisting demands, you are still in no position to be capable of handling this kind of pressure.
October 11, 2015 - 3:30amThis is not about his disorders, no matter what they might include or not include. As pointed out, this is about your abused past.
I have similar childhood experiences to yours. I can say that healing is a long process. And that a partner, even if you couldn't blame them for incessant pressure to be intimate, this is a partner you cannot handle at this time.
Those of us who are Survivors must have a fully supportive partner in the healing process, or we must take ourselves in hand and keep moving.
This is a hard thing to say, but I speak from personal experience. For me the pressures were not sexual intimacy, but instead a lack of empathy for all that this past, and my neuro disorders, we're putting me through. The pressure was to 'deal with it', to 'grow up and take it', to 'quit making excuses' for the grieving, the depression, the paralysis at times. Imagine being told you wouldn't have these problems 'if you'd just get over it'.
This not about his disorders, whatever they may be. This is about your survival.
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Hey.Such an interesting article, wonderful feedback too.
April 7, 2015 - 3:59pmI was in a very difficult relationship with and aspie man, years ago.He wouldn't admit that he had challenges to work with, so, He made me own my part AND his in the relationship.Which wore me down.
In contrast to that, I have met a man who admits he is on the spectrum and works hard at owning his part in out friendship.Which is liberating, in any relationship.
To me, the whole aspie idea, is more about awareness, on both sides.I know I can give too much, which makes him feel awkward,so it's great reminder for me to concentrate on my passions.
We are working on developing a friendship.Which is foundation to all future happiness and troubles.
Who wants to rush into any relationship?Why do peeps want to be intimate in a rush?Why do peeps want sex, outside of a true commitment?We share 'needs,' in a relationship, tho, let's be aware of our 'needyneess.'...
I'm guessing there are amazingly beautiful peeps who step up and take responsibity in relationships in both aspie and non aspie situations.To be sure of which you are dealing with takes time.Immediate attraction is nice, but a foundation for nothing.Step back and really look and see if that person is truly worthy.Dont Rush to give intimacy.That goes for all types of relationships.Be patient.
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From MissieChrissie
April 7, 2015 - 8:19amI Love My Aspie Lover ;)
He Truely is the most affectionate attentative Wonderful man I have Ever met.
I also have Autism
I gotta say its great being with someone I understand n who understands mw . I have had relationships wiv NTs but never liked all the drama they bring. Im so happy I gave this awesome mindblowing Man a chance and hope it will last a very long time. Ali all the way ;) My Super Hypersensitive sex bomb
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Im a 21 year old female my partner is 23 and has asd and yes it is a stuggle sometimes becasue they do find it hard to show there feelings. People with out asd show eachother affection by kissing and cuddleing were as some people with asd will find it had to kiss and cuddle all the time they find it hard becasue they feel clostathobic, but they will have there own little ways of showing you they care and that they love you. My partnerhas been one of my best friends for 8 years and we have been together for about 10 months now, yes when we got together it was hard but you adapt to it since i have adaptes to it i have forgotten that he even has it.
April 6, 2015 - 4:43pmpeople with asd have the right just like every1 els to be in a realationship and be happy and its the firat time in my life i have ever been happy.
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I am highly disturbed by the amount of hate and bigotry towards people with AS like myself in these comments. The tone of some of them are akin to saying that aspies are spawns of satan and that nobody should attempt to have a relationship with one, ever.
March 24, 2015 - 9:28amThis Comment
Hi anonymous..... don't be disturbed by other peoples comments sweetheart. The one's that are critical normally have no idea what AS is, to me their just Doom and Gloom people that just like to complain, it keeps them happy.... I just tell them to take their comments to another Website. Don't take it personally sweetheart, they have a problem not you.
May 26, 2015 - 2:02amI only learnt today what an AS is. I though my partner was a Narcissist and was thinking of ways to get rid of him. He hates crowds, not affectionate enough for me, never tells me he loves me, doesn't have compassion and certain times he can loose his temper at the drop of a pin and takes what I say as sarcasm and other things I can't handle, yet he is kind, caring and can be a beautiful person.... That's why I decided to do more research and found a site on GOOGLE. (type in) Dude, I'm an Aspie
This guy Matt explains AS in cartoon character... It's AMAZING!!! it is my partner to a T..... I'm so happy he's an Aspie and not a Narcissist. It all makes sense now! I will now be more understanding and explain myself better. He doesn't know he is an Aspie, but when I get him to read what I have read it will answer a comment he always brings up when he's sad. He says "I wish I was like other people" he can never understand why he's different, this Matt guy will make my partner so happy, I'm sure... So ignore these ignorant miserable people, Aspies are special people just like you.......xx
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It's not hate and bigotry. It's people not wanting to get hurt badly by the real problems AS can bring to a relationship. Specifically, to the NT partner. Other people's not wanting to get hurt by you is not bigotry against you. And no, they don't have to line up to get hurt so that you can have a chance at romance; that's not fair either.
Much of the AS-perspective advice about relationships boils down to "if they love you, they'll just deal." The irony is that the AS partner really has no idea how much they're lightly suggesting the NT partner deal with, and deal with alone. Yes, it absolutely sucks. But you've got no call to criticize people who describe their own bad experiences with AS partners (and yes, it's very often because of the AS, not because the AS partner had some totally other source of trouble).
March 27, 2015 - 7:18amThis Comment
Yeah, because NT's **never** hurt their Aspie partners. **smh**
Aspies are far more likely to be the targets of bullying, and far less likely to know how to successfully deal with bullying, than NT's.
If anyone needs protection it's Aspies who need protection from NT's who won't put their standardized expectations away long enough to understand the difference between what we can and can't do. It's a disability, and none of us chose our struggles. We sure don't do what we do because we want to hurt, anger, confuse or control the people we're in relationships with.
January 26, 2016 - 6:23pmThis Comment
Hello, I'm the one who made the anonymous comment that you're replying to. Just to reply to what you've said:
"It's not hate and bigotry. It's people not wanting to get hurt badly by the real problems AS can bring to a relationship. Specifically, to the NT partner. Other people's not wanting to get hurt by you is not bigotry against you."
What I'm seeing in the comments are a lot of value judgements about AS people and it's these value judgements that I see as hatred and bigotry. For example, one such comment which I replied to said something similar to "He has no empathy and he'll never understand love. Your daughter shouldn't get involved with him" in response to a mother who was asking about her daughter who's boyfriend has AS. First of all, as someone with AS, I know that this isn't true because we do have emotions, and can love by the way, but just don't always express them well plus there's no evidence that we lack empathic response once we know what a problem is. So, yes, we actually do have empathy, it's just that we don't always pick up on the non-verbals so sometimes you have to tell us verbally. Such a statement is a value judgement because implies that we have no emotions simply because we don't always express them like other people. Just because we don't always show emotions does not mean that we don't have them.
"And no, they don't have to line up to get hurt so that you can have a chance at romance; that's not fair either."
This is another value judgement and another example of what I'm talking about. So, you're saying that AS people are people that shouldn't be in relationships because they'll only end up hurting anyone who they're in a relationship with? If you don't want to deal with AS related issues fine but there are other people who have had successful relationships with aspies, so it's not your place to make a judgement call that we shouldn't be in relationships.
"Much of the AS-perspective advice about relationships boils down to "if they love you, they'll just deal." The irony is that the AS partner really has no idea how much they're lightly suggesting the NT partner deal with, and deal with alone.Yes, it absolutely sucks. But you've got no call to criticize people who describe their own bad experiences with AS partners (and yes, it's very often because of the AS, not because the AS partner had some totally other source of trouble)."
So, to take an example, where in the above article does it say that the NT partner must just deal with the AS issues? I don't see that written anywhere, what I see is advice for the NT partner to tell the AS partner what feeling verbally in order to compensate for their difficulty in picking the non-verbals. If what you're complaining about in AS/NT relationships is a lack of social and emotional reciprocity then following this advice is to make it easier for AS partner to reciprocate, I don't see how it's saying that you must just suck it up and deal with the lack reciprocation.
April 6, 2015 - 1:24pmThis Comment
I am in college and I had been dating my Aspie boyfriend for 5 months. He broke up with me a few days ago and explained that he did not feel the same way I did. But all the signs of his love were there. Everywhere I went he wanted to be with me, holding my hand, kissing me, making me laugh with his slightly annoying little quirks. Then all of a sudden this happens. I went into such a shock that I had to drive the 1.5 hour trip home and skip my classes. Once home I bawled until the point where I stared blankly into space for several hours, hardly responsive.
February 4, 2015 - 8:25amHe told me that it was important to him that we both feel the same way about each other, and he told me that he didn't love me the way I loved him. But the thing is, he did. He didn't show his love the way I did but nonetheless his love was always there. I explained to him that with his Asperger's he is never going to completely understand love or feel it the same way that most people do. I told him it didn't matter because I loved him and he loved me, and I was not ever going to give up. He just kept repeating that he didn't think he loved me.
I know that the two of us have always been a perfect match, and everyone who knows us knows it too. One question I would ask is, is he really gone forever? Is there something I could do to fix us? Was there something I could have done to prevent this? Or was this inevitable...
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