Emotional Abuse: The Invisible Marriage Killer

Hi, is there someone there who can help me work out my situation? I have been married for 25 years and we have 3 children - 24 yrs, 23 yrs and 7 years. I barely know where to begin in the long, sad litany of unkindness from my husband. I believe my husband doesn't love me so when does his dislike of me start to become emotional abuse? I could go on and on and tell you a list of callousness from my husband but I think it is enough that you believe me when I tell you how he does not care one little bit for me. At the moment, he comes home from work at weekends...... except he doesn't unless he feels like it. He came home for Easter Sunday for less than 24 hours and then went to the cinema during the evening on his way back to his place of work. His office is in an annexe at his parents' house. A month ago he didn't come home and I found out after a few days that he was away skiing in Italy with his sister. When he is home, he literally barely speaks to me and refuses to share my bed, despite my requests. He lies to me without even thinking about it, usually saying he has to work but then I find he has been out with a friend or away for the weekend. He is very very tight with money. He pays our bills but I can't ever go clothes or shoe shopping because he doesn't give me enough to buy things. I find a way to buy things we need by getting things online instead of going to the shops. He never says anything kind or endearing to me. When we married, we left London and moved to a cottage in the middle of the countryside where the only neighbours were his parents. Quite a scary mother-in-law I have to say. My husband was always at their house, literally. I would not even know that my husband had gone up to their house as he never told me - just used to leave the house. I was just with our children, fields and no money. I found out my husband had a fling and forgave him but said we had to move houses or I would leave him (after 21 years in that house in the middle of nowhere - nearest shop 3 miles away for milk). He said ok as long as we moved only to either a particular city which was 2 hours away. I said yes as I was just so glad to move away from the geographical isolation as the neglect from my husband was enough isolation in itself. So now we are in the situation where I live in a small city 2 hours from his work (office in his parents' house) and he comes home when he pleases and when he does, he is fantastically rude. He doesn't even realize that he needs to see our youngest child. He never calls during the working week as he told me it's boring. (I ring him and sometimes, if I'm really lucky, he will pick up the phone. I don't know if he ignores the call or maybe doesn't have his phone with him though). He told me last weekend that he would come home this weekend but although I expected him last evening to return, he didn't and when I rang at 10pm to see where he was, he told me he had had a change of heart about coming this weekend. It didn't occur to him that a meal had been prepared or his daughter might be disappointed. It is all so lonely and I really don't know what to do any more. I haven't mentioned the unpleasant remarks (when I was pregnant he said 'do you ever wonder if everyone is looking at you thinking you are an older mother' etc ). What advice can there ever be? I either stay or leave but I totally committed to marriage when I married and feel so disappointed that the man I married is really quite vile to me but I don't think he even realizes that he is. I have wondered if he has some sort of Aspergers but I don't know. He doesn't engage with the people I have got to know in this new place which is a bit embarrassing too as then they might think my husband is strange. We were invited out to supper and he got up from their table before the end of the meal and said he was going to walk home (15 mins walk) and that I should follow later in the car. He was in the Territorial Army for many years and gave one of the female soldiers £200 but luckily the postman delivered her note of thanks to our house even though it was addressed to my husband at his parents' house. I rang a phone number on his phone bill about 15 years ago and a lady answered saying I had called 'a house of ill-repute' . My husband's excuse was that he had only rung them to upset me not because he had visited them. Is this emotional abuse or just a husband who doesn't love me?

Hi All, I'm very new to all this. I'm 28 years of age been in my relationship with my partner for 11 years, married for one year. He has always shown signs of being controlling and aggressive at times; losing his temper, shouting and I'm fairly passive/calm. He lost his dad to cancer 2 months before we were due to be married. He is grieving for his dad but I am emotionally exhausted having walked on egg shells and losing my identity from a young age. I am supporting him the best I can, but have no more left to give. I do love him but also realise that our relationship isn't as healthy as I like to believe it is. He is the main breadwinner, I just dropped out of work to be with him as he has mild depression and has isolated himself, becoming reclusive. I don't know what to do. Do I support my husband at a time when he needs me most and continue on as we are or take some space/time out for me. I've been unhappy for a long time, he only focuses on himself and his job. He rarely listens to me or plays down what I say. I used to think this was our cultural differences - he is Russian I am British. I'm at such a crossroads, unemployed, no money, no friends, my family are great but worry all the time so I tend to not share too much. There's never been physical abuse only emotional. He also cheated on me after the death of his dad. He came home crying, apologising profusely but damage has been done. I don't trust him much and haven't done all these years.

I want him to just be what I need and crave, but nothing is changing. I'm becoming numb to hurting him with what I say, he's one of the most sensitive people I know. He's dad was abusive to his mum both physical and verbal. He may have learned this behaviour. It's all really sad and I'm lost, I know I probably need to leave but I do love him and care for him deeply. I see his emotional issues and how he may need me. I want to help him change and be better but don't have the energy or patience left anymore.

I am 45 and living with my partner for nearly 6 years. When we met he was charming, paid attention to me, sent me flowes and listened to me. I loved him, but only moving in with him I realized that his excessive drinking was not only on social occasions but happening all the time. He would not act like a drunk person but his personality would change and he would start saying things that would cause arguments. in the beginning I thought it will stop if he sees how it effects our relationship. When we were having arguments he would ignore me for days and lock himself in the bedroom. I woud stand outside, knock and beg to come in and to talk about it. he would punish me when I raised any issue by not talking to me. the period between these instances became shorter. I am never heard, he does not show affection, he does not make eye contact when he speaks to me. I so wanted this to work. I am living a lie not telling the people in my life how things are at home. I would feel embarrassed in my failure. I started getting ulcers and actually feel physically sick when things are bad in our home. Now no more than 3 days passes withour an incident. I am crying all the time, lost my confidence and hopeless