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Physical and verbal abuse are forms of “visible” abuse. Scars and bruises, raised voices and demeaning and hurtful words are signals to others that something is not quite right in the relationship. It’s also easier for a wife to see and recognize that’s she’s being abused.
Emotional abuse, however, is much more insidious and not quite as visible. Certainly, a wife’s self-esteem and spirit are battered along with her body in the case of physical and verbal abuse, but a husband can kill his wife’s spirit without even raising a hand or voice against her. For this reason, many women don’t even know they’re being abused, or if they do it’s a long and difficult battle not only to work to repair the damage done themselves, but to get the abuser to recognize the harm that he’s done.
What are the signs of mental abuse?
“Emotional abuse is any nonphysical behavior or attitude that controls, intimidates, subjugates, demeans, punishes or isolates another person by using degradation, humiliation or fear” (www.focusonthefamily.com).
“Nonphysical behavior or attitude” can safely be interpreted to mean neglect, invalidating another’s thoughts and feelings, and refusing to acknowledge the needs of the other (whether intentionally or not). Over a period of time, this kind of emotional climate in a marriage can squeeze the life out of a marriage and out of a wife.
There is a difference between experiencing or inflicting emotional hurt and being emotionally abusive—it is important to make this distinction. Abuse is a cycle. It is not a once-in-a-while event that happens and hurts someone else. In many “ordinary” hurtful cases, apologies can be offered if truly sincere and heal the rift that the hurt has caused. Many hurts are unintentional, and if they were, there is (hopefully) remorse on the part of the person who inflicted that hurt, once the anger, frustration, etc., calms down and cooler heads prevail. With emotional abuse there is none of this. Like other forms of abuse, there can be apologies and promises to never do it again, and there is hope in the beginning that behaviors and attitudes will change—often referred to as the “honeymoon phase”—but somewhere in the back of many a wife’s mind, she knows that it’s only a matter of time before the abuser settles back into old routines.
The Profile of an Emotional Abuser
At the heart of an emotionally abusive husband is his need to ultimately be in control. He feels inadequate and harbors distorted beliefs about women and marriage, usually learned from an abusive father or other dominant male influence, or sometime due to lack of decent male role modeling in how to treat women. In many cases, but not all, an emotionally abusive husband can be manipulative and heavy-handed in keeping his wife “under his thumb”. The abusive husband is “self-referenced”, which means he only sees and considers things from his point of view; he deliberately refuses to or is incapable of looking at things from another’s perspective. “Selfish” and “self-referenced” are two different words and can be described this way: the “self-referenced person would give you the shirt off his back, but he doesn’t know you need it. The self-referenced person frequently violates the marriage partnership by acting without thoughtfully considering his partner’s point of view and needs” (Amy Wildman White). The abusive husband is also emotionally dependent on his wife; that is, his feeling of self-worth comes from being married. Most emotionally abusive husbands are unable to look at and examine themselves and why they engage in such spirit-killing behavior against a person they have avowed to love and cherish.
The Profile of an Emotionally Abused Wife
Women who find themselves in an emotionally abusive situation often have low self-esteems even though they may appear confident and in control of everything. An emotionally abused wife “looks to her husband’s acceptance of her as the measure of her worth” (White).
Unlike a man, who typically finds his identity through work, and academic or athletic achievement, “[a] woman’s identity is often based on her relationships” (White) this makes her vulnerable to abusive relationships.
One of the most common characteristics of an emotionally abused woman is that she is unable to enjoy sexual experiences with her husband. This is due to the deterioration of the trust and the lack of friendship and intimacy over the time of the relationship. Add on top of this societies’, her husbands’ and the church’s views that she’s not a good wife if she doesn’t meet her husband’s sexual needs and she may feel perpetually trapped in her marriage. What many people (including counselors and pastors) fail to realize is that “[t]he wife in these situations experiences intercourse as an indignity, almost as rape, because the physical and the deeply personal, loving aspects of sex…[i]ntimacy and trust, which lay the necessary foundation for a woman to respond sexually, have been removed from the relationship” (White) and she is left to emotionally detach herself from the situation just to survive—at the cost of her soul and spirit.
Call to Action
It’s time to lift the veil from these situations and recognize how much a person’s soul and spirit can be damaged without physical and verbal abuse. Abuse doesn’t have to come in the form of acting out a form of punishment, or lashing out with temper and words. Abuse can also be withholding affection, or never saying a kind word. It takes a strong woman to stand up against what everyone is telling her is her duty and recognize that this kind of situation is not okay, and to talk about it until somebody listens.
If you believe you are in an emotionally abusive marriage—which can take many forms to keep a wife dependant on a husband (a virtual prisoner in her own house)—or you’re not even sure if what you’re experiencing is emotional abuse, please join us in the Marital Discovery and Recovery group and share your story.
Sources: www.focusonthefamily.com; “The Silent Killer of Christian Marriages” by Amy Wildman White (http://www.safeplaceministries.com/pdf/The Silent Killer of Christian Marriages.pdf)
Add a Comment380 Comments
I don't agree on sacrificing your happiness for your kids.Sorry.
March 14, 2016 - 8:42amIt's easier to keave the relationship when your kids are still little than. When they are older. I speak on behalf of my experience. Trust me. When your kids move out , what are you going to do? Keep sacrificing your happiness?. Leave now for the better. My parents got divorced for the same reason you are stating in your comment when I was 22 after I moved out . And honestly they didn't do me any favor by staying together. Now I am 30 and I very disappointed with my family. The only real people I can look up to are my grandparents. They have stayed together forever and never disrespected each other. Even though you don't fight with your husband in front of the kids as your kid get older They will start realizing that You guys are together because of them
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I've been in an emotionally abusive relationship for over 5 years and here is what a day in my life looks like. My husband:
February 24, 2016 - 9:39am- criticizes how I cook, clean the house, do the laundry, mother my daughter, spend money even though I am VERY frugal and spend little money on myself.
- he sits on the couch while I cook, clean and do laundry.
- quits jobs without discussing with me first.
- throws things out that are mine. He thinks they are "clutter" or not important. Some of these things are family heirlooms.
- wants my 15 year old daughter to be out of the house when he is home (he is a long-haul truck driver, so is away for days at a time) and he insists that I not talk to her on the phone when he is home - forcing me to call and text her in secret.
- NEVER asks about my day or my job.
- doesn't attend my family functions
- doesn't come with me to anything yet expects me to accompany him to everything from doctor's appointments to job interviews.
- disguises put-downs as questions. They usually start out like, "Can I ask you something?"
- holds anger just below the surface and I don't know when it will erupt.
- his angry responses are always at a level 10 out of 10 - he's never mildly annoyed - it's all or nothing. A counsellor once called it "bringing an elephant gun to a squirrel fight". So I walk on egg-shells never knowing when the next explosion will happen.
- doesn't touch me affectionately but expects sex when he wants. My sexual satisfaction is unimportant to him. There is NO physical intimacy.
- gives me the silent treatment for days on end.
- has threatened to leave me about 20 times in 5 years and move back to the province (we're in Canada) where his family is. Meanwhile our house has been in various stages of renovation which he started - which would make it difficult for me to sell it in it's unfinished state. (Don't worry - I'm working on getting it "market ready")
- belittles my religious and political beliefs, saying things like, "That's the problem with your church" (I'm a minister by the way) or "I can't believe you voted for that guy."
- calls my male peers "my boyfriends", saying things like, "did you meet with your minister boyfriend today? Is there something going on between you two?" Of course that immediately puts me on the defensive.
- he calls women "broads".
Each of these things on their own doesn't seem like a big deal, however, when you look at them cumulatively, it's pretty sad.
My husband is the victim of child abuse and that's sad, however, I've come to realize that by continually forgiving his behavior I am not holding him accountable and am actually enabling him to continue to be like this.
I am working on a plan to get out of the marriage because it is evident that he cannot change. His view of women and marriage roles have been engrained in him by unhealthy men in his life. I hope that my walking away can be an act of love and not punishment. I really hope that he can get well and find peace - but he doesn't get to do that at my expense and at the expense of my relationship with my daughter.
I pray for all you women who are in similar situations.
Karen
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This is man is machista and doesn't value women. Move very far away from him and take your daughter with you. No one in this life deserves to be treated as inferior o mistreated in anyway. When you leave you will feel peace. Better alone than with a bad company. It's really scary when I see all these comments from different women it's so sad that most men today are psychologically disturb. And have this thought that women are inferior and aren't worthy of any respect
March 14, 2016 - 8:50amThis Comment
I have been married and remarried with my emotionally abusive husband since 1981. But it wasn't until recently did I realize what was really going on. My husband refuses to give me any affection except in front of the family he's the perfect husband around the adult children For years I thought if I looked better. Cleaned house better cooked better he would treat me better. Now I realize no matter what goes never going to be kind caring or concerned fir my welfare. I've recently have had some serious Heakth issued with my heart. A heart attack 2014 and two weeks ago chest pain that ended up in transfer from one hospital to a larger hospital that ended up in stents. He heft be at the first hospital after 2.5 hours. Then after & hours later I called him to tell him that I was being transferred by ambulance. For serious condition change snd thst the dr said I might have to have an emergency cardiac cath when I get there. So st 12:30pm I called him to tell him He got to the hospital at 2am. And was livid with anger cause the doctor was going to wait till the morning to do the cardiac cath. So here we are st 2 am screaming st each other cause he's so pissed st me. And I'm so angry that in 12 hours he never called to check on his wife to see how she is doing So he leaves me again. Guess home. So I go. Forthe cath that morning with no family. Andof course he never calls any ofthe four adult children thst live in the area. So when I wake up in recovery after having two stents putin my heart he's there. Went home the next day he had 12 people over fir my birthday. But then after everyone goes home I was expected to do all the dishes cook him dinner the next day. And do his laundry. He makes decent money. But only gives me 1565.00 per month fir the household bills. And I'm suppose to buy groceries out of that too. The only way I make ends meet is I have to use all my money from my pension to pay all the bills. Cell phone. Car insurance utilities there's nothing left for me. But yet he has hundreds in his wallet I've tried to discuss these issues with him and he just storms out goes to the bar snd comes home drunk. Sometimes he picks something out of the air to pick a fight so he can leave. He says the most derogatory horrible cut downs. A couselor hold me not to say anything. So last time I hid in the pantry But it's really hard not to try snd defend yourself He use to havemy self esteem in the gutter because I'm ugly I'm fat un attractive that's why my husband won't sleep with me touch me. He quit sleeping with me when I was pregnant with our fourth child 30 years ago. I know I need to see an attorney but I don't think I have it in me to leave my beautiful home and I'm not healthy with my heart at she 65. I'm scared to be alone. I would leave but all the bills except one are all in my name. Even the mortgage. If I leave I don't have the money to pay two households yesterday carting in a heavy box he hit me in the back of my leg. I said ouch of course he would never say I'm sorry. So today being on blood thinners ihave a huge bruise and lump on the back of my leg. I think when you take the time to write everything down it makes you realize how bad things are. Abd you think how can I live like this especially when you know these are very precious years that you are giving him snd after all the years of catering to hisevery whim. He's still gonna walk all over you like an old rug soon to be tossed away like a piece of garbage
February 14, 2016 - 11:20pmThis Comment
I can see myself fitting some of the characteristics of an emotional abuser, but I do not punish. That is, deliberately wanting to make my spouse pay for the pain caused. Instead my actions cause unintended consequences or I go silent for lack of what to say. Sometimes I'm accused of being condescending when I speaking passionately about a subject. (Being condescending is nowhere in my thought process) My question, and this is NOT to minimize my behavior, is it possible that I am also a victim of emotional abuse? For example, my spouse will tell me what I'm thinking or what my intention is and then respond as if the accusation was true. There is no opportunity to discuss my thoughts or motives before I'm punished.
February 11, 2016 - 6:32pmThis Comment
I am currently in an emotionally abusive relationship. For years my amazing family has asked me to stick up for myself and leave. I always defended his behavior because I thought I deserved to be treated that way, because he convinced me I did. Recently, I hit my breaking point as the abuse became more constant. I considered suicide and almost followed through. I believed what he told me, I was worthless, a bad mom, a horrible house keeper, and an even worse wife. Thanksgiving, as I bought the sleeping pills to kill myself with, I realized I needed help. On Monday, I went to the doctor and she put me on Zoloft. It changed my life. I started to see what was happening as though I was an outsider. I saw what so many had for so many years. I was just so depressed, I was blind.
After a good tongue lashing about something completely out of my control, I called my dad. I told him what had happened and asked what I should do. He told me to leave. I had heard it so many times but for the first time I realized that the pain of leaving was less than the pain of staying. So I cut myself off from my husband and started silently planning my exit. I spoke to him in single word phrases and took all the abuse for a week in silence. Each time it reminded me of why I was leaving. And then he (cause he goes through all my personal things) found that I was shopping for a less expensive car, and he finally realized I was going to leave. He begged me to stay. Admitted to the abuse (although he still says it started because of something I did) and vowed to change. Since then he has been a whole of a hell lot nicer to me, but he still tries to control me when he's insecure or when he's angry. I told myself when we started "trying" again that I would give him a full 3 months to adjust his behavior. After only 2 weeks, I'm considering leaving now. It's not like he did anything new or unexpected (just passive agressive manipulation), but I think that I can no longer trust him with my heart. I cannot let the abuse go. And even if he does change, I don't think I can forget. Anyone out there keep trying and actually succeed?
February 10, 2016 - 11:07amThis Comment
I've been there. I almost ended my life but I managed to get out in time. Getting out was so much easier than I thought and so much less painful than staying. The whole time I kept trying to change things, but it takes two. Think about if you were your daughter, what you would want her to do? What you advise yourself to do?
February 23, 2016 - 2:33pmAs badly as I wanted to change things, only 3% of abusers actually can and do change. I'm really sorry you are going through this, and you totally do NOT deserve it, you deserve way better whether it's with or without him. I've found so much happiness since, it's unimaginable. Please put your self-preservation foremost and remember you have a family that loves you very much.
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I've been married for 20 years, and during the last ten my I believe my husband has been slowly using emotional abuse to strip me of my self-confidence, my security, my happiness, my social life, and basically all of the spark of the woman I used to be. I have been doing a lot of reading on the subject, and the signs and feelings I am experiencing are identical to those who are emotionally abused - I am edgy and stressed when I am around him, constantly feeling like I'm being judged, I feel utterly isolated from any family and friends because of the disapproval I will get if I attempt to go somewhere without him. I feel as though in his eyes nothing I do is right. He will absolutely never admit he is wrong about anything, and I can't remember the last time I heard him apologize - everything is my fault. We go long periods of time without speaking. I've become depressed and lonely and I stay in bed a lot. I feel completely isolated and alone.
January 31, 2016 - 2:33pmIn addition, I've become far less employable than I was when we first married and I had a career. After I stopped working to concentrate on becoming pregnant (we had issues conceiving and ultimately never became pregnant) I did not return to the workforce, and to do so now would be difficult for several reasons, so I am dependent on him for all financial support.
I don't know how much longer I can go on like this. I've lost the vivacious person I used to be. I don't remember what it feels like to live normally...
My question concerns filing for divorce. As I mentioned, I have no source of income outside of him. He makes an excellent living (close to $400,000/yr.), largely because we relocated to CT to follow his career pursuits, while I left mine back in NJ. Will any of this have any bearing on the spousal support I might be awarded in a divorce settlement? I don't expect to live the same way we live now, but I believe that after all of these years and the sacrifices I've made, that I deserve to live decently. Does anyone have any similar experience, or any knowledge that might be helpful? Many thanks...
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I hope you know that you aren't alone and many of us have walked your path. It feels awful to become pushed down by this control and abuse but the best news is that you know something is amiss and you realize you are meant for more. I would quietly work on getting my affairs in order, find a lawyer to consult with, a therapist who can support you and any friends or family who can lend a helping hand or sympathetic ear. My ex-husband was verbally abusive and then after a few pushes I realized that physical was next and he absolutely refused to work with me. I took the kids and pets and left - at the time I owned a marketing agency that was doing well. In the next three years that followed he sued me for everything I had and I ended up closing my company and then he sued me again so I had to pay him off for the next 12 years. It wasn't fair and it was awful but I didn't care b/c I was out and the kids and I were ok. There are thousands of stories like mine and all of us started with a step forward to say 'enough'. You have to reach the point where the pain of staying becomes greater than the pain of leaving - then you will have the energy and determination to leave and heal. It sounds like you are there and you know that this won't change. He certainly isn't going to change anything b/c this situation is working for HIM and not FOR you. If you can remember that he is putting you down to control you, that will help. You can't logically argue with someone that is illogical, so save your energy for moving yourself forward. When my ex-husband told me he didn't like the 'way I walked' I remember thinking 'how the hell can I change that?' - and then I read everything I could get my hands on about abuse and I worked hard to figure out how I got in this mess of a situation and I left. You can do this, you are already thinking it through and reaching out - no need to share your next steps with him b/c he will only push you back and argue you out of moving forward. We are your cheerleading team so go for it and know that we are all here. I have some articles and other resources for managing verbal and emotional abuse i you want them, send me your email and I will get them to you. Hang in there sweetie, the best is yet to come:)))
February 1, 2016 - 12:02pmThis Comment
Hang in there girl! I recently finalized my divorce with my emotionally abusive partner. His income is similar to your husbands. It was a long road but in the end it's better. I would start by going to a domestic violence agency in your area to help you execute a plan. You should also find bank accounts and see what money you can access to hire a divorce attorney (most abusers don't let their spouse have access to money as a tactic to keep them dependent) but make sure this is executed properly, with the help as above, as this could be a dangerous time in the relationship. The good news for me is I now have a really good new job (that he didn't know about while I was going through the divorce and living with him and was able to save money).
January 31, 2016 - 8:32pmWith his salary and you not working for a while, you will be able to get both child support and maint. like I did. You should be able to get a decent amount - at least 8,000 a month but try to get more than that. I am doing now what I never though I could do - be a single, full time working mother running 2 houses (yes, I kept the beach house) but the most important part to note is I'm at peace
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