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Being involved in a successful romantic relationship can be difficult for most people. Consider all the breakup self-help books available, the movies portraying cheating significant others, constant fighting and dramatic breakups, and your own relationship history.
Do you think these difficulties increase or decrease for someone with a mental disorder? Let’s just say that it’s not easy to have a relationship while trying to function “normally” in the world.
For people who have Asperger’s disorder or autistic disorder, social interaction is complicated. Although people with Asperger’s are thought to have high-functioning autism, they still have social problems. For example, people with Asperger’s don’t contribute as much socially and emotionally, and they don’t know how to use nonverbal behaviors as well, like eye contact, according to an abnormal psychology textbook.
Interaction and emotional reciprocity are important in relationships, so it’s no wonder that it would be a challenge for someone with Asperger’s or autism to be in a relationship. Although this doesn’t happen for everyone, it’s a stereotype that someone with these disorders will not share his or her emotions as frequently. For example, they might not say “I love you” or show affection as often, because they don’t understand and express emotions as well as the typical person.
If you decide to be in a relationship with someone who has Asperger’s or autism, it seems there are some things you have to consider to help the relationship work. Keep in mind, this may not apply to everyone who has Asperger’s or autism. There is the proposed autism spectrum disorder, which places autism and Asperger’s together. Basic symptoms will be the same, but specifics may differ.
This is what I have observed after being in a short relationship with someone who thought he had Asperger’s and through reading different articles:
1) Don’t assume the other person is uninterested, just because he isn’t telling you he likes you or finds you attractive. Decide what you think of him and let him know. After he is aware of your attraction and isn’t confused about nonverbal gestures and flirtation, it might be easier for him to decide if he feels the same way.
2) Don’t be alarmed if your significant other is confused by romantic gestures, like hugging or kissing. Stop if needed, but also try explaining what the gestures mean, or suggest going to a psychologist together so you can work on your partner’s relationship skills.
3) Tell your partner how you are feeling, especially if you are angry, and why. Your partner may not understand your emotions and why you are reacting a certain way.
4) Learn what his interests are, and try to engage in activities focusing on those interests. Go on a few dates where social interaction isn’t necessarily the focus.
5) Ease him into large social situations, like parties or group outings. Understand if he is overwhelmed or decides not to go with you – he might prefer being alone or with less people.
6) Understand that some people with Asperger’s can be brutally honest, according to the book “Asperger Syndrome and Long-Term Relationships.” The book explains that when talking about reasons for marriage, a person with Asperger’s might say that there is an availability of sex as the main reason, while not including his love of his significant other. Romance can be puzzling to someone with Asperger’s, but again, you will probably see improvement after explaining the meaning behind it, why it’s necessary and that it makes you feel good.
7) If your partner talks in a confusing manner, like in riddles or using complex vocabulary, or doesn’t answer your questions directly, ask him for more clarification. Also, remember not to use riddles, jokes or sarcasm in the same way you would with someone who doesn’t have Asperger’s or autism. If you do, ask if they understood and then explain what you meant. Otherwise, they might be hurt by what you said or just be confused.
8) If your partner has certain quirks, like not wanting to talk on the phone, understand that it may be related to Asperger's. Confront them about the issue if it bothers you, and explain why.
Sources:
http://www.opposingviews.com/i/the-romantic-lives-of-young-adults-with-asperger-s-syndrome
http://www.specialfamilies.com/dating_marriage_&_autism.htm
http://www.amazon.com/Asperger-Syndrome-Long-Term-Relationships-Stanford/dp/1843107341/ref=cm_lmf_tit_3
Abnormal Psychology: An Integrative Approach by David Barlow and V. Mark Durand
http://www.dsm5.org/ProposedRevisions/Pages/proposedrevision.aspx?rid=94
Add a Comment186 Comments
Thanks for the advice, I have been involved with an Aspie for a little while and it is very one-sided as you say. As much as I like him (a lot), I fear a lifetime of this one-sidedness would be too much.
May 10, 2020 - 2:27amThis Comment
Best to just understand he isn't a mind reader.
He likely isn't going to ask how you feel today simply because if he was having a tough day, he would tell you. He doesn't get upset if you dont ask him how he feels.
If you want to go down that route, it is best to say 'i need you to ask me how i am feeling' This lets him know there is a problem he can try to fix.
If you just rail into him. 'you sob, you dont even care how i feel' then it will be lost on him. He knows you are mad but has no solution.
Expecting him to 'just know' as if he was a girlfriend isnt going to be effective.
May 10, 2020 - 9:44amThis Comment
Hi, Anon.
My cousin recently ended this type of relationship after 6 years (wasted years in her words). The emotional weight of this kind of relationship can take its toll on a woman who is giving it her all and getting little or nothing in return. It's definitely something to consider. Relationships take up a good part of our lives, it's not too much to ask that we be happy in them.
Helena
May 10, 2020 - 5:50amThis Comment
I FEEL YOUR PAIN. DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT ASPIES WHEN MARRIED OVER 25 YEARS AGO TO HIGH FUNCTIONING ASPIE WHO TEACHES PSYCHOLOGY OF ALL THINGS -- IN DENIAL THAT HE WAS ASPIE UNTIL OUR DAUGHTER WAS DIAGNOSED. CAN BE LONELY -- VERY LONELY IF EXPECNATIONS OF ROMANCE ARE IMPORTANT. THAT ENDED FOR US RIGHT AFTER THE HONEYMOON BECAUSE I DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO SUPPORT HIM AND WAS INSECURE EXPECTING HIM TO BE LIKE OTHER HUSBANDS. HE SHUT DOWN UNTIL I STARTED LOVING HIM UNCONDITIONALLY AND TRUSTING THAT HE LOVES ME W/O ALL THE BELLS AND WHISTLES. HAD TO BE MORE ASSERTIVE TOO ROMANTICALLY IF FEELING NEGLECT AND HAVE TO QUICKLY FORGIVE COMMENTS HE MIGHT MAKE ... BOY THAT WAS TOUGH... HAVE TO BUY MY OWN PRESENTS AT CHRISTMAS OR FORGO -- HA , HE JUST DOESN'T GET THAT STUFF. BUT WHAT A KIND, FAITHFUL, HONEST MAN AND WONDERFUL FATHER. AND HE KNOWS ME WELL !!! IT IS MORE LIKE A "YIN AND YANG" SYMBOL OUR RELATIONSHIP ... WHERE HE ENDS I BEGIN ... AS BIBLE BELIEVING CHRISTIANS OUR MARRIAGE WORKS BUT ONLY RECENTLY HAS IT GOTTEN BETTER SINCE I TOOK RESPONSIBILITY TO BE CLEAR AND CONSTRUCTIVE -- TREATING HIM LIKE I DO MY DAUGHTER IN COMMUNICATION WITH THE GOAL ALWAYS ABOUT HELPING HIM. SHE IS SO LIKE HIM BUT DONE FEEL SORRY AS OUR HAPPY DAUGHTER EARNED A FREE RIDE TO UNIVERSITY AS SHE IS BRILLIANT AND LIKE HIM BEAUTIFUL AND VERY MORAL AND KIND AND MOTIVATED/FOCUSED. THANKFULLY SHE HAS FOUND HER CALLING IN PHYSICS. AND I THINK OF THEIR ASPIE TRAITS AS THEIR SUPERPOWER NOW ... BEAUTIFUL WITH FUN QUIRKY SENSE OF HUMOR . SHE HAS HELPED ME TO UNDERSTAND HIM BETTER AND ACCEPT THEIR NON VERVAL LASTING DEVOTION. LOVE NEVER FAILS FOLKS...NEVER .... ONE DAY AT A TIME AND NO LOVE YOU GIVE IS WAISTED IN GODS SIGHT EVEN IF YOUR FEELINGS SAY OTHERWISE CAUSE FEELINGS CAN LIE IF THEY ARE SELF ORIENTED. IVE HAD TO KNOW MY VALUE COMES FROM WHO I AM IN CHRIST JESUS AND NOT THIS WORLDS FAIRY-TALE COUNTERFEIT OF ROMANCE. ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE THROUGH CHRIST WHO STRENGTHENS US ... AND NOW THERE IS JOY AND PEACE AGAIN
February 28, 2019 - 6:02pmThis Comment
often times, if you simply tell him what you need then he will do it.
you WILL get disappointed if you expect him to just do things because you think he should.
If you do not tell him there is a problem, he will assume things are ok.
He will never think to himself... hmm... she hasnt asked me for ice her drink for 4 weeks, i wonder if there is a problem.
straight up, he thinks.. no comment..no problem.
would you complain if he spoke french and didnt talk to you. no.. you would learn to speak his language.
You have to get over the hump of thinking.. Well.. Why doesnt HE have to learn my language without me telling him ! !
August 14, 2019 - 10:35amThis Comment
He will not ask you how you are simply because he will assume you are fine if you have not mentioned to him that they are not OK.
This has nothing to do with that he does not care. Why don't you try communicating with him, rather than expecting him to behave as you want. Its Magic!
May 4, 2018 - 7:19amThis Comment
You damn right he will not ask you how you are. It is NOT that he doesn't care. It is that he assumes that you would tell him if you had a problem. JUST LIKE HE DOES NOT CRY ON YOUR SHOULDER EVERY DAY. If he has a problem he tells you.
He will NOT try to read your mind. If you tell him you need him to work 12 hour days all weekend then he will do it because you asked him.
Would you SERIOUSLY rather have a man who ask you how you are every day, but really doesnt care, he just asks you because he knows you will feel he cares. But then that guy doesnt even have a job????
March 1, 2019 - 11:01amThis Comment
Ive been married for 15 years to a man with s/s of autistic/aspergers. It has been very lonely. The rejection has caused me to search myself, which was a positive. I am an empath and he has no empathy. No response from talking and blank looks. No hugs and high anxiety. It has been so hard, but I have accomplished so much in my loneliness
April 25, 2018 - 11:53am. Thanks so much for confirmation that was needed for me. I hope to understand him better now that I am aware of our "real" differences.
This Comment
I am interested in an Aspie man. This comment section is scaring me. How is the sex? How do you have an intimate/sexual relationship with a man who doesn't hug, won't look you in the eye??? Please explain?
March 1, 2020 - 5:06pmThis Comment
Hi, it was good to see your comment, I’ve been dating a guy off and on for 7 years and just this year did I realize he has Aspergers: I figured this out on my own, I was going crazy, breaking up and going back and forth with him several times.
November 21, 2017 - 7:40amI thought something was wrong with me, he would always say I have a problem all the while never fully telling me about his problem:
I haven’t confronted him yet, but I will soon after I read up some more on how to handle him:
Thank God it’s a load off my shoulders and I can stop seeing a therapist: I put 100% in this relationship and him maybe 10%
This Comment