I cannot tell you how grateful and proud I am to be able to say that I am a 18 year old woman who has not had sex, not saying I haven't had plenty of opportunities, I just didn't feel ready. Sex is something that is a lot like love, when you know you know, but you can't force the feeling to be there if your body, mind, and spirit aren't ready for it. I was a high school cheerleader for 3 years, and I can say that by our senior year, I was one of two girls out of twelve that had not had sex. Having sex in high school I believe is a large mistake, for many reasons. 1. Your body may be ready but that doesn't mean your mind is. 2. It puts more strain on a relationship than many teen girls are ready or willing to deal with. 3. It is a precious gift that you can only give away once and most teenage boys or older guys that are willing to pursue teenage girls are not worthy of receiving. Girls mature faster than boys and teenage males don't realize what an emotional change it can have on a woman, or their relationship. I know that every person has to choose their own ways of life, but honestly, I think that waiting until you are at least out of high school and in a committed relationship is completely worth it, and the right way to go. My boyfriend and I have been best friends for 3 years and are getting married this summer and I am glad that I waited for this to happen with him, and that he is the kind of guy who can wait for me until I am ready. Sex is not, and should never be, the deciding factor of a working relationship. It is because of him and his love that I realized the importance of waiting.
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Kadi,
Thanks for your great reply! I am so inspired by your insight and "knowing what you want" for yourself. You have articulated this controversial and taboo topic of sex so well, and I admire you and your family for being able to TALK about sex! What a concept! :-) My family never really talked about sex when I was in high school (or earlier). We talked about our bodies changing and feelings about relationships; I generally knew my parents had other relationships before they met each other (they didn't get married until they were in their 30s; unusual for their generation of baby boomers...). Anyways, perhaps your family's openness and willingness to talk about sex helped you be able to hear your own voice, and not be "tempted" or "curious" until the time was (is) right. I hope other young women read your story!!
Oh, and just to put this out there...this "question" of waiting doesn't end after one graduates from high school or college, either! My 40+ year old friend, who is divorced with two grown children, is dating again, and wondering: how long to wait to have sex with a man she met and likes? Do you wait until it's love, even after you've already been married and had kids? She's not going to "wait until marriage" because she's not sure she wants to be married again. I'd love to hear other's thoughts on this!
I agree with you, Kadi, the act of having sex changes relationships, and it is so important to be friends with your partner, first. Even more important is to be friends with yourself first! (I say this, because many people become sexually active to feel like they are loved, when what they really need is to love themselves first).
April 12, 2008 - 2:14pmThis Comment
Well you have many great questions!
April 10, 2008 - 6:09pmI can completely empathize with the feeling left out, I suppose that throughout high school I have taken the time that most girls get to know others; and parts of them (haha), to get to know myself instead. When I started high school I had only lived in this town for one year, so I was still very new. My parents got divorced when I was very young so I never remembered them being together, neither of them waiting until they were older to have sex, my mom at 16 my dad at 14 and neither one of them had a very good experience. What I am getting at is, I guess I have always felt more comfortable and accepted for my decision to wait for the right person because it wasn't like sex or sexual feelings were ever a "no no" in my family. We can joke about, talk about, and laugh about sexual awkwardness or experiences so even if I wasn't having sex at a young age it wasn't like i wasn't aware or thinking of it. I did consider it a few times but knew I wasn't ready, and didn't want it with that person when I looked into my heart. Of course, living in a small town here there are STILL people who thinks I had sex with a guy who spread rumors, but you know what, who cares what they think? not me. I know I haven't
and I pride myself on being independent and accepting of everyone and everything.
On to question two,
I actually dealt with ladies today saying that " you can't change someone that is young and in love's mind" and "what I am looking for in a man now is going to change in 5 years" but what I believe is, life gives you things ( for me God does ) and if my getting married does turn out differently than I think it will, it is MY mistake to make, and it is completely okay to take that chance for love. I think you meant to ask if I decide to have sex after?(maybe) Well to me sex is something that you do when you are ready, and I feel that my boyfriend and I are ready for that in our relationship. Everyone and every situation is very different and should the taken in stride. Yes I am young, but also, yes I am in love and that it something that doesn't happen very often. I have also always been much more mature than anyone my age and I have a more worldly understanding of things having dealt with so much from my parents and their divorce; custody issues; ect.
3. Giving up your virginity and being sexual with someone is a gift because, every time you have sex with someone different you give away a part of yourself that you cannot get back. If you are in a committed or serious relationship and you think you are ready for that step I can completely understand wanting to know someone in that way. I think that boys and girls handle it relatively the same way but obviously in slightly different ways; i.e. one being emotionally open and the other normally being more closed off. I doubt most people view it as giving a gift but when you think about it, you are special and that is the most intimate way you can be with someone, and it truly is a gift.
And now for number 4.
For the most part I have answered this above but to reiterate, I completely understand wanting to be with your boyfriend sexually and that is fully your decision, many people choose this. I also believe that, like I stated, this is a special part of yourself that you share with someone that you don't get back, so you should be mindful of who you choose to share it with.
All in all, if you are in a healthy happy relationship and you feel you are ready, it is your decision.
Thanks for the questions!
Kadi
This Comment
Congratulations for having the maturity at your young age to value the sanctity of your virginity and keeping it until married. This is so refreshing in this day and age of rampant casual sex and in the face of pandemic STD's.
My daughter is in her early 20's and also values waiting. It takes a certain strength of character for young women like you to do this, and with conviction.
All the same, I personally feel nothing against pre-marital sex. What I do find, however, is that women have a tendency to assign emotional attachment to the physical, leaving ourselves open to a potential world of hurt and disappointment, or worse.
It's truly a modern-day dilemma: to wait, or not to.
April 10, 2008 - 6:01pmThis Comment
It surely is a big question to wait or not.
Thank you for your support!
I am so glad I waited for the right amazing man :]
Aspire to Inspire before you Expire
April 10, 2008 - 11:54pmThis Comment
What a great story! As I read your blog, a few questions came to mind that I would love your perspective, and answers, on. I'm asking these questions, as I'm assuming many other young women out there have some of the same questions.
When I was in high school, I was more worried about what the other girls, and potential boyfriends, thought about me not having sex, than caring about my health or emotional well-being. It wasn't exactly competition; I would never had agreed that it was "peer pressure" at the time..but maybe it was some kind of "social norm" that I perceived was out there: it's lame, but: "everyone's doing "it" and I don't want to be left out! What are your thoughts and experiences with feeling "left out", since you mentioned you are one of only two females in your social circle who have decided to remain abstinent?
So, if you're okay with answering that question...I've got a few more tougher questions for you! :-)
1. You are getting married at 18 years old, this summer. You've probably been told that it "sounds young" by some people (probably by people who "sound old"!) The tough question: if you decided to have sex before marriage, would you be getting married at a (relatively) young age?
2. You mention that you having sex is "a gift". I've never understood this analogy, as I don't think men decide to not have sex because they are waiting to give someone their gift; so it's primarily a female feeling? How do you see the act of sex as a gift to someone?
My last question/thought:
I decided to not wait until marriage to have sex, as I felt it was important to get to know the person in every way--emotionally, physically, spiritually, sexually, mentally, socially, intellectually, etc---before we got married. I am curious on your feelings about this, as many people DO wait until marriage to have sex with their partner, and I guess it made me nervous to have something I didn't know about the person. What are your thoughts on this?
Anyways...thanks for sharing your story! I think your answers to these questions can help ease the minds of other women concerned with questions related to sexual partners and when/if to have sex. You are absolutely doing the right thing in waiting until your mind, body and spirit are in agreement that "it" is the right thing for you and your partner! You sound extremely thoughtful and caring about yourself and your body...both wonderful attributes that many women are struggling with.
April 10, 2008 - 2:36pmThis Comment