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We've been dating for over a yer now but in the last few months our sex has drastically decreased at first started to go down from at least 1-2 times a day for at least 5 months and then it went down to 1-2 times a week and then to 1-2 times a month and now it's been a month and a half since we've had sex. I've read a few articles about this allready, but none seem to fit my problem exactly. I was worried for a while that it might be me that was the problem and but he told me it wasn't and i know he wouldn't lie to me. I've asked him about it but he says theres nothing wrong. I just don't know what to do anymore. He's only a year older than me and he's suppose to be in hes prime. Is there anything I can do? I Haven't pressured him or anything because I dont want him to do it just to shut me up. I want him to want to. and I'm just not satistied anymore and im not asking for everyday, at this point once or twice a week would be nice. A far as I know there's nothing he's stressed about at work or school, could it be a cobination of the 2? or something else going on that I don't know about? and please keep in mind that im am searching for help and advice and I don't want to hear find a new boyfriend. I love him and im not leaving him, even if it means were not going to have sex anymore. But it's frustration for the time being as I find it a tad odd that I want it more than he does. and I don't really want to talk to any of my friends abotu it because I live in a small town and this is personal and I don't need everyone talking about it. and the last thing I want him to feel is embarassed. I havn't told anyone of my friends but I'm in need of some advice. Any Ideas?
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Hi Christine, thank you for your reply. My bf and I are intimate in other ways, yes. We kiss and cuddle on the sofa and go for walks together. He strokes my head and holds my hand. So I know he loves me and that he cares for me. I think it really is a sex is 'on the back burner' situation. Initially, the fact that I could completely be myself around him and he seemed to 'get' me was a real plus point. There was a buzz and spark between us. I have taken your advice and am focusing on that. We have split up 3 times in the past. Not for that long, but it makes me think. The thing I think we need to work on is our communication. We're both runners in that we run at the first sign of danger/fear. So when things started to go wrong or we had an argument, it felt like was the end of the world and there was no way to overcome it. Then we had an 'honestly' stage, where he's constant honesty hurt. So now we're trying to resolve things as they happen and not let things build up. HOWEVER, the sex thing drives me mad. And I have no control over it. We can start to have sex and then he'll lose it because he's not really in the mood. Which I find more hurtful then when he just gets on with getting what he wants and no thinking about my needs. Actually, scratch that, that last thing is more hurtful. I told him not to try if he really isn't in the mood and now he hardly ever tries. Although, he would be happy to let me give him 'attention' all the time and not have full sex with him. Its just very frustrating. And you're right life is too short. Like some of the other women on here, we've spoken about marriage and kids, but I can't see that happening if I'm not sexually happy now. I couldn't imagine a lifetime of this. I'm going to stop ranting now, sorry. Thank you for your advice, I will click the link to the tips pages.
November 4, 2010 - 2:08pmThis Comment
I am shocked that so many women are having the same problem I am
November 1, 2010 - 6:19pmIve been with someone for 7 yrs but for the last 2 no sex not even a passionate kiss anymore, I have fibroids that are painful with sex but I dont think im the problem because when he tried to have sex
last yr he could not stay hard so I think it was a ego issue probably embarrassed and dont want to use Viagra. I have needs! and Im tired of being emotionaly drained of feeling unwanted. There is no signs of cheating but he sleeps on the couch when he's home. There are other men that crave my attn and its getting hard to resist.
This Comment
Hi Anonymous,
November 2, 2010 - 11:41amThanks for your comment. Seven years and platonic? Why are you together? Financial convenience? Force of habit?
If I may be so bold, what you have there is a roommate, not a boyfriend. No doubt you have needs, like the need to be in a real relationship with a man. Since you already aren't sharing a bed with your friend/roommate, it may make things easier to make it official, and decide to "try on" some other potential mates.
I'm sorry you're having to go through this. I know after seven years, it can be hard to know when to say "when." It can be hard to turn your life in a different direction, but consider that it also can be liberating. Give yourself time, and learn what it is you truly are looking for in a relationship, get to know yourself before diving in with the next potential sofa sleeper. It no doubt will be an adventure, so try to be positive, and enjoy this time, relish in it if you can.
In the meantime, here is more information about fibroids for you in case you are curious to know more:
Uterine Fibroids
Good luck and let us know how you're doing.
This Comment
Stress can really affect our (guys) sex life but not usually to the point of non-existence unless in an abusive relationship. It seems stress really affects women more as far as abstaining from sex during very stressful times.
October 30, 2010 - 7:08pmThis Comment
Hi I don't usually do this but I came across this website and read some of the stories on here and thought maybe i could get some help too...
I'm a guy (19) in college, and my gf is also in college (we have dated for over a year now), we met early fall semester, and I have not been so sure about anyone in my life. [but we were shaky over the summer, she sometimes "forgets" about me when she has other things in her face (i.e. sometimes she goes out and doesnt come back till the next day {oh, but i trust her! :-) oh love is blinding})]
Oh, before i digress completely. Recently she's kinda been toying me around... like today, calls me over for dinner at 6, and when i get there she's actually at the computer lab, but she doesnt reply until 6 30, then she tells me to come down 2 the lab where she's with her hall mates and then she goes on to ignore me. I leave in 20 mins saying I've got a lot of things 2 do etc. she rushes out and tells me 'sorry', but there's only so much you can take aye... so i get kinda angry and just say 'see ya', brush her off as she tries to kiss me and head off home without giving her the usual "sappy stuff". its 4 am now, and i've still not got a sorry text or aim from her : - [
also, we used to get intimate v often, 50/50 me/her initiation(2-4 times a week), but she's not wanted sex for a while (a month now) + brushes me off n tells me shes tired when I kiss her in rapid successions on her cheeks (which is where I start [which is also what my friends laugh at me about]) but it makes her giggle! and it kinda flutters my heart when i see her lips curl up to a smile and her eyes twinkle; and then we move on to make passionate love - or perhaps I should take this opportunity to ask for better techniques...
on the side, there's this friend who's told me that she loves me (Which is V. weird since I've never made an advance on her), and thats been bothering me a hellovalot (she is one of my best friends) .. so I told my gf about that; since I tell her everything about everything (but also assured her that I love her only and that I'll deal with things because she kinda lost it (her head [started acting all funny]) over dinner).. (that was around when all of this started :S - are they linked?)
also, we used to date a lot... like a fancy dinner date every 2 weeks (this was last year) or a surprise this or that.. now its been 2 months since the last fancy restaurant date... we do little things like movie night or cooking dinner for each other or ice cream or stargazing and talking about anything and whatnot.. I enjoy these a lot! but she complains "I cant remember the last time we went on an actual date" - do i need to take her to the movies?
again, I love this girl a lot. But sometimes it just feels like i'm doing a heck of alot the pulling, and sometimes it feels like shes shoving instead of pushing
any help is much appreciated :-)
November 1, 2010 - 1:21amthanks
-concerned
This Comment
Hi Anonymous (-concerned),
November 1, 2010 - 12:01pmThank for your question and for finding EmpowHER.
It sounds to me like things are fizzling a bit with your girlfriend of over a year, which I'm pretty sure is your cause for concern. You may want to try going out on a real date, and see what happens. Maybe things can be rekindled, or maybe you both need to take the distance that's grown between you as a sign you're in need of good break for now.
In regard to your best friend. I don't envy you there. I've been there, but I was on the other side, I was the girl who fell for her male best friend. On one hand, you may want to see if something more could be there, but then you don't want to wreck the precious friendship you've built--it's the ages-old conundrum. I always thought that if you feel a connection, you've got to check it out, but of course in this regard I may be biased. How do you feel about her? It is something you may want to investigate? You say you love your girlfriend, but sounds like she can be fickle--have you asked her what's up with that? I'm sure your feelings about how she treats you are very justified. Is that what you want? I think the best way to find out if the scenarios are linked is to ask your girlfriend if she's been distancing herself from you because you told her about your friend liking you.
I'm a firm believer that college is the perfect time (apart from your studies), to take the opportunity to date some people and figure out what's important to you in a potential mate. I wish I had dated more when I was in college--I was a serial monogamist (always went from one long relationship to the next long relationship). Hope this helps.
Good luck and let us know how you're doing.
-Christine
This Comment
Have you people considered the possibility of asexuality? I'm an asexual male in his 20's who has been attractred to neither gender, either sexually or romantically.
There's a difference between a sex drive and sexual attraction. Sexual attraction dictates which gender (or neither gender)) you find sexually attractive, and sex drive means how often you feel the need for a release. You can be an asexual person with the highest sexual drive, which is to mean you feel the need to have a sexual release, but since you aren't sexually attracted to people any more than you are to paintings or sunsets, you don't feel the need to have sex then. And this is entirely normal too, and has nothing to do with sexual dysfunctions. About 1% of population is asexual (people who don't experience sexual attraction towards either gender).
October 30, 2010 - 11:23amThis Comment
Thats not normal. It is only normal to you because you have this problem.
October 30, 2010 - 7:11pmThis Comment
Firstly, sex is a very important part of any relationship, but do not let it end up to it being only sex as always the main focus of being in a relationship, friendship, love, understanding, doing things you both like,and each other likes are all part of being in a committed relationship, i have recently started a relationship and football is not my cup of tea but i look at it just to get to know his interests just as he looks at the Bravo channel although he does not like some of the shows (LOL), SHARING is a big part of also being in a relationship, so sit down and write or compile a list of things to see and do, see if you can get the pressure off having sex and maybe it will come naturally, and spontaneously. Try to make yourself happy and maybe it will rub off on your partner. Be Blessed
October 28, 2010 - 12:42pmThis Comment
Very level-headed and sound advice for everyone. Thanks for your comment.
October 28, 2010 - 12:45pmThis Comment