Facebook Pixel

The Guilt of Secondary Infertility

 
Rate This

I am such a blog cruiser....and this morning I found Lisa Belkin of The New York Times - Motherlode - Adventures in Parenting.

I have always enjoyed Lisa Belkin. As I searched her blog and read a little bit of this and a little bit of that, I came across a piece by a guest blogger entitled "The Guilt of Secondary Infertility". It's a good read and I recommend it.

You know, it’s no surprise that secondary infertility is on the rise. It is mostly about how late we women start building our families. And we can't count on reproductive medicine to deliver babies with our own eggs if our own eggs have aged out of the reproductive life cycle. If we have our first baby at 36 and then wait a few years to have number two, our bodies sometimes wonder what we have been thinking! Many of us manage to come up with one good egg at 40, only to be shocked that at 42 no one is home.

There’s no easy answer to any of this. And those of us into fertility advocacy are trying all kinds of ways to reach out to women about reproductive aging. Just the other day I told a midwife in NJ, "Tell your thirty-something moms to freeze their eggs so that they have good ones for number two!"

We joked about the timing of delivering that news to a pregnant woman. Do you do it while she is pushing out her baby or in the throes of morning sickness? There seems like no good time.....but that is how it is.

There is a special guilt that comes along with secondary infertility, whether it is through Mother Nature’s design, or secondary infertility that can occur as it did for me after my initial success with IVF. First there was a feeling that I already got my miracle and that I was greedy for wanting more. What about all of the people that were still waiting for their first miracle?

I also felt like somehow I was competing with my own good fortune.

Sometimes it felt to me as though I had the ultimate chutzpah… “Hey God! Remember me? Miracle 30,278 on October 18, 1988? Yeah,that’s me. Well, can I have another one?”

My husband said to me during that time that our situation reminded him of a story. In the story, a woman is walking on the beach with her son and a great wave swept her son away. She pleaded with God telling Him that she is a good woman who has always done her best and who prays and does good works. How could God do this to her? After much pleading, a great wave swept back and deposited her son back in front of her. The woman looks up at the sky and grumbles “He had a hat.”

Yes, it is that feeling: as though the wanting of the second or third child is simply over the top.

Yet the wanting was the same as the first time and the waiting was filled with exactly the same anxiety, fantasies (both positive and negative), and premature grieving.

I spent the day of the pregnancy test working busily on an upcoming Fertility Symposium. Back in those days I was a volunteer and a full-time grade school teacher.

I took the day off from teaching because I was frightened of killing some poor unsuspecting kindergartner. When the call came, bearing a positive pregnancy test, the only thought that kept going through my head was I’d thought I’d used up all my miracles.

I guess God had not been counting and had not judged me for my desire for a second child.

At the time, I wasn’t sure if I should share my good news with my infertility comrades because it is often hard to hear of another’s success. And this was secondary infertility – I was one of the greedy ones....

Those of us that went through that second longing know the painful truth. It's just as much fun the second time around.

Pamela Madsen is one of the nation's most outspoken and recognized fertility educators and patient advocates. The Fertility Advocate, Ms. Madsen's Blog has become the must read for all members of the fertility community with hundreds jacking into Ms. Madsen's funny, insightful and provocative posts every day. Ms. Madsen is The Founder of The American Fertility Association, and works with As East Coast Fertility as the Director of Public Education. Ms. Madsen is reaching out to women – and men – to integrate all aspects of the reproductive continuum from sexuality, infertility prevention, protection and treatment into the general health care of all women.

Add a CommentComments

There are no comments yet. Be the first one and get the conversation started!

Image CAPTCHA
Enter the characters shown in the image.
By submitting this form, you agree to EmpowHER's terms of service and privacy policy

We value and respect our HERWriters' experiences, but everyone is different. Many of our writers are speaking from personal experience, and what's worked for them may not work for you. Their articles are not a substitute for medical advice, although we hope you can gain knowledge from their insight.

Infertility / Fertility

Get Email Updates

Infertility / Fertility Guide

Have a question? We're here to help. Ask the Community.

ASK

Health Newsletter

Receive the latest and greatest in women's health and wellness from EmpowHER - for free!