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This morning I received a link for Pamela Tames' What's Menopause to You? Reading it got me to thinking about how even after managing to get to the age of 40 we still haven't quite earned the right to feel good in our own skin. Now that I'm over 40 I don't see a firm butt in the mirror, my boobs are heading south despite a terrific underwire bra, my abdominal muscles haven't spoken to each other since I had my twin sons 21 years ago (they might as well be the Hatfields and the McCoys) and my thighs are kissing cousins. Yes being over 40 and menopause has given me a lot more than I bargained for. However you'd be surprised to know that I'm okay with that. Although I love the media for showing me how great Helen Mirren looks in a bikini and Madonna jumping around in a video with Justin Timberlake, I've decided I'm okay with my over 40 full figured self.
You see I entered this world big from the beginning. I weighed in a few ounces shy of nine pounds and then I spent the rest of my life trying to live down a tiny three lettered word 'big'. I hated being the big girl. At one point in my life I had so much black in my closet I thought I'd hear the voice of James Earl Jones as Darth Vader at any minute.
Looking back now I realize my body was smoking back then but the fact was I was bigger than most of the girls I went to high school with, even though I had a nice body. However I thought at 5'8 I was supposed to be 115 pounds despite the fact I was the second to shortest woman in my family. I spent so much of my teenage years hating my body and feeling bad about myself that I didn't know I was beautiful.
We live in a country where bigger is generally better. People don't usually want a small raise for their hard work, they want a big raise. When it's time to buy a home or do some improvements most people go bigger. I've never heard Pat Sajak say let's spin the slim wheel and contestants don't generally shout "Little Money!" when they spin the wheel. The contestants on Deal or No Deal aren't trying to get the cases with the small figures, they're trying to get rid of them for the big payoff. Still the pursuit of the 'ideal thin' body remained a focus for me for many years.
Then my life changed. I was diagnosed with uterine cancer at 23 years old. I underwent six years of chemo, biopsies and more surgical procedures than I'd like to remember. To top everything off I was a divorced working mother and sole parental supporter of my sons, so I spent many days going from chemo in the morning straight to work with a supply of, Compazine, airsickness bags, crackers, ginger ale and a very understanding boss. I can't tell you how many days I spent lying on the bathroom floor green with nausea wondering how on earth anyone could want to make themselves sick just so they won't gain weight.
For the first time in my life I wasn't focused on losing something, I was focused on gaining. I wanted more minutes, hours, days, weeks, months and years to spend with my children. I was desperate to see my toddler sons grow up and to make it to my 30th birthday. It took a diagnosis of cancer to make me realize what truly counted in life and it wasn't size; it's love. However through chemo I met couples going through the depths of illness together and the love they showed one another touched me in the deepest part of my soul. It was then I decided to forget my obsession with size.
As a result of cancer I lost a lot. In 1995 I had a hysterectomy after battling the disease in my uterus for years. Yet in a strange way I'm thankful for the lesson having a catastrophic disease taught me. I gained a new respect for life and losing weight was not the key to happiness or feeing beautiful. The key to feeling and looking beautiful begins with self love; a love that includes body acceptance, setting realistic goals for your body and living a healthy lifestyle. Soon after I came to that realization I was diagnosed with MS in 1996. MS changed my life and caused me to modify my lifestyle to accomodate the disease. I now do MS Yoga. Tai-Chi and Pilates to help keep my body limber and my mind centered. I won't be posing for the cover of More or Shape magazine but I'm making it work. I won't lie it's a work in progress. Everytime I see some happy 40+ woman going on about how she runs 8 miles a day and has the body of a 20 year old, I have to think before I roll my eyes.
Still I'm thankful to say that I've been cancer free for almost 14 years and I've been able to live successfully with multiple sclerosis for the past 13 years. It's not easy but I embrace every day flabby butt, cellulite and all. I may not be going through a Madonna like menopause but I can live with a little more jiggle in my wiggle.
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Add a Comment9 Comments
Wow, I wish I could except myself that way. I work so hard to get more fit and just get more fat. I eat well. I mean better than most people my age. I am over 40 5' 3 and 160 lbs. I exercise 4-5 days a week & eat well( cut down significantly on cheese and milk and meat, pasta, no rice bread, very little potaoes, low glycemic,, lots of veggies and fruit. vitamins) . I am just so frustrated. I just want to look good in my clothes without fat rolls. I am gaining and gaining and gaining even though I try and try and try. I do not want ot go on a starvation diet again.
I am so glad you are in a good place in your life and wish i was there too. how do you get there?
June 23, 2009 - 6:34pmSo happy to here you are cancer free that is awesome. YOU GO GIRL!
This Comment
I can't say that I don't understand where you're coming from. Over the years, I've been frustrated with my body and the way I look in clothes. One of the things I did to help me stop being overly critical of myself was to stand in the mirror and instead of focusing on the negative things I didn't like about my body, I focused on what I liked. Believe me it was a slow process and in the beginning I'd say , I like my freckles, my little toe is sort of cute etc.. Eventually I began to find other things I liked about my body.
I think most of us have a love/hate relationship with the mirror. If you are doing all you can with your diet and exercise to be healthy, there's no need to starve yourself. Continue to do what you're doing and things will begin to change. One of my friends says that weight loss is like finding Mr. Right, when you're focused on it, it never happens, but once you relax it does.
Thanks for the rally cry for surviving cancer. I'm so appreciative of every day of life and even though I have my struggles with MS. I have it and it doesn't have me. I hope you find your happy medium soon. You sound like a great person.
June 23, 2009 - 7:38pmThis Comment
OK, I'm going to be the contrarian here - I hate my menopause induced jiggles, LOL! While the number on the scale might not really be all that significant, the number on the measuring tape is. That's what I find scary and my constant motivation to keep running and training.
Sometime last year, I read a magazine article, can't remember which magazine, about what 150 lbs looks like on different women. I wanted to be the 6' woman because 150 lbs has more territory to spread out and looks better than on a petite frame. But, the bottom line was that 150 can still look fit.
My mom said I don't look as rotund as I did a couple of years ago (even though I've not had any significant weight loss). This means that the scale is about the same, but the tape is beginning to tighten up ever so slightly. That's a good thing. But, I still have a long way to go to get rid of the belly smiling back at me in the bathroom mirror. So, fit is what I want to look like, not just how I feel. It's going to take a lot more work, LOL!
Congratulations on being a long-time cancer survivor, that is absolutely awesome.
May 21, 2009 - 4:57pmThis Comment
WOW...I love your post! Thank you for sharing, has opened my eyes and gives me a new perspective on what's important and it's not the number on the scale!!
May 20, 2009 - 8:28pmThis Comment
People have to prove themselves to others and to themselves in many ways. Hey you survived cancer, that's enough proving your tough and ready in my book!
August 26, 2008 - 3:30pmThis Comment
I've been away for a little while and I hadn't had the chance to get back on the site. I think I will roll my eyes every now and then. Thanks so much for your support and kind words, you have no idea how much it means to me.
October 29, 2008 - 11:20amThis Comment
Dear Chamein,
What an amazing woman you are. After reading your post, I will never look at my body the same way again.
It never ceases to amaze me, how we as women get caught up in the scenario where we look at ourselves in the mirror and say, what happened to my rear end?? My thighs look like tree stumps and oh yes..... lets not forget about all those lines around my eyes. What do we call them?
CROWS FEET?? Who came up with that name, anyway?
After reading your story, I had to step back and revisit how I see myself. Yes, I too, look in the mirror and see that my bum isn't where it used to be. It's heading south and I don't think it's going to turn around anytime soon to head north again. Not even with the new GPS tracking devices.
What's really important? Is it that I can no longer fit in those size 6 jeans?? Maybe not. Is it that I'm doing something I love that brings me great joy? I say, YES. HECK, YES!!
I'm certainly not the woman I used to be. I'm better. I was never perfect and I'm never going to be perfect. But, I'm me:) And for the first time in my life...I can honestly say, I love me. Jiggles, wiggles and all!!
August 22, 2008 - 12:37pmThis Comment
chamein, I enjoyed your story as well and I especially like your observation "The key to feeling and looking beautiful begins with self love; a love that includes body acceptance, setting realistic goals for your body and living a healthy lifestyle."
People have much to learn from you.
August 22, 2008 - 8:45amThis Comment
You are my hero! I LOVE your story -- just read it twice.
Keep on jiggling, girl! We're all right here with you!
Kristin
August 21, 2008 - 8:54pmThis Comment