For some reason I woke up this morning feeling really scared. I have never felt like this before, but it was a really strange feeling. I’m not sure what I was feeling scared about, and I am usually a pretty fearless person. Thankfully the thought passed as the morning went on.
I had infusion today at Cancer Treatment Centers of America. It’s funny that I have been going to get Eributux now every week and it almost makes me feel that I have to do this every week. There aren’t really any side effects because Erbitux is not chemo (I thought it was). I have been feeling really tired lately though. I’m not sure what this is from.
My dad and Barb were in town the past week. It went pretty much as expected. Barb running around doing yoga at the Village, shopping everyday at whole foods and hitting up places like Lohemans looking for the best sales. It’s impossible for her to sit still for one minute. I really don’t think she spent more than an hour a day at my house except to sleep. My dad would tag along with her most of the days, but helped me when I needed certain things to be done around the house. It was actually kind of nice getting some of the projects done around the house. The last day I was actually kind of wishing they were staying in town just a little longer. It was nice to have the company, despite the fact that everyday was a battle with Barb just to get her to understand that rest is more important to me than eating out every night, shopping and exercising. I think she means well sometimes, but she just doesn’t get it which is understandable.
We are getting closer to leaving for New Zealand and I feel not even close to being ready or excited yet. I feel more stressed than anything else. I am just hoping that everything goes well and we don’t spread ourselves to thin. I am sure it will be just fine and the trip of a lifetime. I’m happy that Carol is going with me. I’m sure that once I’m on the plane, I’ll be able to relax a little more. In the meantime, I think I want to try to get Christine to come visit or maybe head to Vegas to visit her for a couple of days before I head out of town. I feel like I need to see a friendly face to help me get rid of this damn uneasy feeling.
I have been corresponding with Tom’s wife (the guy that passed away the other week.) We have been trying to find a time to meet up. I am thinking that talking with her may help alleviate some of my worries and I think it will help listening to her point of view as well.
I have so many fun things planned over the next few months. New Zealand, Cozumel, the Jewell Ball, dates and seeing my sisters are all in the plan. I just feel like I am having a really hard time getting excited about it because of this uneasy feeling that I keep getting. Anyone have any ideas of why this is happening? Any suggestions on what I can do to make this go away? Maybe it’s just normal and it will pass over time.
-The Melissa Waller Blog
www.themelissawaller.com/blog
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Thanks for share.
May 26, 2010 - 4:56amThis Comment
Hi Melissa - I read your post and was thinking the same thoughts that Diane expressed. If I was going to travel to another country, even though it would be extremely exciting and something I would really look forward to, I would also worry about being so far away from my medical team at home and my support system, just in case there was a medical emergency or even something that wasn't a clinical need...like accidentally losing my medications and not being able to replace them. I think it might help ease your mind if you looked into what services are available to support your medical needs during your trip, just in case you might need them. I know I always feel better when I have all the bases covered and a backup plan for my health needs which, like yours, are very specialized. If this is something I could help you with, just let me know and I would be happy to do the research.
March 11, 2010 - 5:50pmTake care, Pat
This Comment
Hi, Melissa,
Your plans sound so great. I love reading about them, as well as what you're thinking. I am well-acquainted with that everything-is-so-stressful-right-now feeling, sometimes it's hard to even enjoy looking forward to something when there's so much to do and so much going on in our heads.
I am wondering if your anxiety has to do with the time frame of your original diagnosis. Our bodies are so subtle and sophisticated about the passage of time. In the beginning, weren't you given a hoped-for timeline, and haven't you so far met and even exceeded it on every level? I am wondering if the anxiety comes from wondering what lies around the corner, or if another shoe will drop.
Or I wonder if it is because you ARE feeling able to make so many plans, to travel, to see friends, and whether you are worried about leaving your routine here? Your routine here has been what has gotten you well and kept you safe. Your doctors, being able to fall back on CTCA, and your friends and family have been a support system like no other. Is it a bit scary to leave them for longer than you have in the past? Won't the New Zealand trip be the longest you've spent away from home since you were diagnosed?
I have an anxiety disorder. Sometimes anxiety is a bit helpful and intuitive; other times it's just plain useless and obnoxious. Are you on any anti-anxiety medicines? Maybe they are not quite the right dose for you anymore and they need to be tweaked?
March 11, 2010 - 9:00amThis Comment