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As a child, you probably remember the joyful feeling of receiving a holiday basket, many times (if you celebrated Easter) featuring with a giant chocolate bunny, front and center. Large and beautifully wrapped in twinkly tin foil, it was clearly the highlight of the entire gift. But chances are, once you bit in you were quickly disappointed. On the inside it was just hollow.
That is what a relationship with a narcissist is like. In the beginning there’s flash and excitement. Their presence is magnetic and he or she seems larger than life. They are intelligent, charming, and popular, and when they’re the center of attention, some of the spotlight shines on you too, leaving you glowing with pride, importance, and accomplishment.
Yet after a while, you discover that under the surface the relationship is hollow. Soon, the excitement and status wear thin. This is because a true narcissist lacks inner qualities necessary for a healthy bond: empathic perspective-taking, a moral conscience, stable confidence, and the ability to be intimate and genuine with another human being.
Being in a relationship with a narcissist (especially if you don’t realize they are one) can leave you feeling worthless, emotionally exhausted, and unfulfilled. So how can you know if you are in this kind of “hollow chocolate bunny” relationship before it crashes and burns in heartache? Do you have to wait until your relationship sours to find out? Not necessarily. Spotting the signs early means being able to avoid getting entangled in a narcissist’s web, and could spare you from doing the challenging, messy work of digging yourself out later.
Here’s a few signs to look for in your partner, which may signal that the person you are dating has narcissistic tendencies, and the negative effects those behaviors can have on you:
1. He poses as “The Most Interesting Man in the World”
A narcissist may initially allure you with his or her apparent confidence, swagger, or audacity, regaling you with stories about accomplishments, rubbing elbows with influential people, or their innumerable talents and gifts. He or she may seem fun and magnetic, always the center of attention and the life of the party, but this may actually be a facade — a ploy to satisfy the narcissist’s pathological need for praise and reassurance. You may come to find out that the stories are exaggerated (or altogether false), their confidence is artificial and fragile, and his or her need for attention may trump good judgment or others’ needs.
2. You feel talked down to
Because narcissists deeply lack self-esteem, almost everything else in their lives is orchestrated to hide their weaknesses and give them a temporary sense of power and success.This can take the form of subtle insults that cause you to question your worth, such as a dismissive sneer when you make an observation, a condescending “that’s nice” when you share an accomplishment you’re proud of, or demeaning comments about your behavior or appearance. When you look to a partner who is a narcissist, it can feel like you’re looking into a funhouse mirror and getting back a distorted view of yourself. Your flaws seem to be highlighted and your strengths diminished — a careful ruse constructed to ensure the narcissist holds themselves in a more flattering light.
3. She acts like the victim
Narcissism is also characterized by extreme self-centeredness. Anything that is outside the narcissist’s experience or that contradicts his or her beliefs is wrong, foolish, or crazy. For this reason, a conflict with a narcissist is almost certain to end with all the blame being directed to you. This, combined with The Funhouse Mirror effect, can make even minor arguments emotionally exhausting. Nothing you say can convince the narcissist that you’re not making intentional and irrational attacks against him or her. In the narcissist’s eyes, you’re somehow responsible for their sadness, anger, or even immoral behavior.
4. Your relationship feels one-sided and shallow
When it’s time to move from casual to committed, this is where the “hollow chocolate bunny” effect of narcissism really shows through. A relationship with a narcissist is unlikely ever to reach greater depths of sharing, emotion, and intimacy. A narcissist is likely to spend time with you when it suits his or her emotional, physical, or sexual needs, and dismiss or ignore your needs, desires, and preferences. Your time together is likely to be marked by a lack of genuine interest in anything other than him/herself.
For example, you could get late-night calls when he or she is distraught, excited, or wants something but similar calls from you may not even be answered. Attempts to share your deeper thoughts, beliefs, or feelings, may be given lip service, ignored, or dismissed. If these seem to describe your current relationship, don’t panic. In fact, seize the opportunity to reflect and evaluate your two-some.
These red flags may help shed light on the dysfunction you’re bearing and guide you away from further pain. If you want to make things work, there are ways to cope with dating or living with a narcissist, including developing conflict-resolution skills and bolstering your own confidence and self-esteem to shield you against narcissistic attacks.
Ultimately, knowledge is power. Being aware of signs of narcissism (and some of the problems that can arise from dating a narcissist) allows you to be prepared and to make informed decisions about the relationship.
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Add a Comment12 Comments
So helpfull! Thanks! Lost my virginity & fell madley deeply inlove with one gorgious narcisist!!! It took me two whole years to t-r-y to get over him & I still have'nt even dated let alone kissed anyone else since him!!! & I'm an amazins sensual kisser & lover thank you & although not that pretty or smart in my own eyes have some great qualities any sensible men would kill for) I wish I'v read this back then. I still very much care about him & he truely appoligized several times about hurting me but even though I got my revenge (threw his stuff away & got even with my psychotic ugly fat bitch of a roomate who tryed turning him against me) his words will allways echo in my ears :" no one accussrd you of being perfect" that hurt me more then anything & all of the other signs were there as well xoxo
April 26, 2016 - 3:14amThis Comment
Great story and SO true. I just found out my best friend is a narcissist. I thought it was more of the "only child syndrome" until her true colors came out and she betrayed me me and turned others against me to make herself feel/look better... Made her feel powerful. The worst was she did it with my boyfreind and got him to turn away as well. She made him feel inferior. She played on is insecurities and he bought it hook line and sinker. It's hard to believe anyone, let alone a best friend could be so cruel and actually make me doubt myself. But, that's what a narcissist does. I finally have come to terms with the fact she is who she is. The one thing you can count on about a narcassist, they never change. At some point people figure out who they are. Just wish it hadn't taken me so long to see it. It would not have mattered if I'd talked to her about it either. A narcissist has no boundaries. There are no lines for them. YOU have to create boundaries. Silence to a narcassist is giving them permission. You see, the thing is.. they don't care ...it has NOTHING to do with them. It is everyone elses fault!!
March 18, 2015 - 12:57pmThis Comment
I never new what a narcissist was. Thank you for this article and the analogy of the chocolate bunny! Your explanations fit my ex-husband to a T!! Divorce is bitter sweet but I am doing so much better now! It was truly a toxic and shallow relationship!
March 13, 2015 - 9:14pmThis Comment
Thanks so much for your comment, Becky! Being married to a narcissist can extremely difficult, and it's great that it sounds like you are doing well through the healing process.
March 16, 2015 - 3:05pmThis Comment
I am so happy that you wrote this article! I've had three of my ex-boyfriends coming around recently and told them all to get lost because they all exhibited all of these signs. I feel so much better, happier, free, and myself now that they're not in my life. I never new these signs meant they were narcissistic. As I've only ever had four boyfriends and for three of then I can check all of these boxes and officially label them narcissists - It makes me a little afraid that I'm attracted to that type of person! At least I know the signs to watch out for now. Thank you ❤️
March 12, 2015 - 11:47amThis Comment
Right on! It's so critical to spot those patterns early and do what we can to work on fulfilling our *own* needs to we can be healthy in any relationship. Best to you and thanks for reading!
March 16, 2015 - 3:07pmThis Comment
Wish we had the Internet and this great article 31 years ago when I was introduced to exhusband. Despite some gut rumblings, I chose to marry him because he came highly recommended by people I trusted. Love the chocolate bunny analogy. It's been a true life learning experience. I survived a 28 yr marriage by practicing an lot of self care and self compassion. The marriage ended when I realized I was never going to make my needs small enough to not put any pressure on him because he was always so stressed. Now I am thriving......
March 12, 2015 - 9:55amThis Comment
Well phrased! I'm realizing I can't make my needs small enough either. How did he act and react when you left? How long before you started to felt like you were thriving? It hurts to stay. After decades, the thought of leaving and all the little losses that will come I expect to be excruciating. My role seems destined to be a pain bearer. He uses things I value to wound, yet there are things I do love. When do you get comfort back?
March 12, 2015 - 2:15pmThis Comment
Several narcissistic personalities in my life.....amazing similarities in astrological charts, even though I know these can be overcome with an awakening.....just very interesting, with comparable speech and behaviors and my observations confirmed....took me a long time to put two and two together....
March 12, 2015 - 9:36amThis Comment
Thank you for this article. I lived with a narcissistic mother and now I realized that I was married to a narcissistic husband. I would dismiss their behavior or make excuses for them and didn't realize how it was hurting me. The more I read about this behavior my self esteem is coming back. Thank you
March 12, 2015 - 7:35amThis Comment