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"Asperger's Syndrome" (AS) is a term that's fairly new to many of us. "Neurotypical" (NT) is another one. A neurotypical individual is simply one who doesn't have Asperger's Syndrome, a neurological condition related to autism. Asperger's affects the lives of those who have it and the lives of those around them.
Some people with Asperger's Syndrome choose to stay single. Others will marry, and some will have children. Some will have happy marriages and families. And some will not. One important factor in determining their chances of happiness is ... awareness. Awareness that there are two different languages of two different worlds being spoken (or not spoken) in the household.
Anger, resentment, depression, grief, rejection ... all are experienced on both sides of the great neurological divide. That is, unless the spouses have the chance to realize that this divide exists. And learn how to translate for each other.
Due to the nature of this neurological condition, empathy and emotional intimacy are lacking in a relationship with an Aspie. This doesn't mean that love is lacking however. Aspies love just like anyone else. But they do not grasp the need of having this love expressed, and they don't know when and how it should be done. Unless their neurotypical spouse is willing to teach them. Verbally, concisely, specifically. Not depending on hints, or hoping he or she will just "pick up on it". Aspies don't pick up on it. Like color-blind people can't tell when the stop light turns to green.
The neurotypical spouse has their hands full. So does their Aspie partner. Both may be in for far more than they'd bargained for and certainly have had no real help until just recently, as research has come to light.
A diagnosis of Asperger's Syndrome may not sound appealing to most of us. But for the AS individual who has spent their life bumping up against misunderstandings and anger and rejection for reasons they couldn't begin to understand, such a diagnosis can bring relief.
And for their NT spouse, there is reassurance that they are sane after all. There was something different at play all through their relationship. They weren't being oversensitive, being unreasonable. There was a very real disconnect right in the middle of their relationship.
And now, due to the research and media attention, these couples have a chance to bring new methods of communication and understanding to their relationships.
Resources:
Frequently Asked Questions on Asperger Syndrome
http://www.kmarshack.com/publications/as/faq.html
Learning Discoveries Psychological Services: What is Asperger's?
http://www.learningdiscoveries.org/Aspergers.htm
Families of Adults Affected by Asperger's Syndrome
http://www.faaas.org/
Adults with Asperger's Syndrome often go undiagnosed
http://www.faaas.org/doc.php?25,30,,1421800,faa1421800,,,Index,map.html
Please, Learn About Asperger Syndrome And Give Hope to Non-AS Spouses
http://www.faaas.org/doc.php?25,140
Adults with Asperger's Syndrome (from ASpar)
http://iamweiser.wordpress.com/2007/05/24/adults-with-aspergers-syndrome-from-aspar
Visit Jody's website and blog at http://www.ncubator.ca and http://ncubator.ca/blogger
Add a Comment24 Comments
Thank you for writing this. Your perspective is really important to people who are in the process of sorting out relationship issues and AS. Awareness really is key to emotional survival. If at least the NT person in a relationship understands why the relationship does not evolve as expected, there can be a huge reduction in stress for everyone. If the AS person is self-aware and willing to learn a few relational skills for emotional reciprocity, things can get a lot easier.
There hasn't been much writing on the web about this, I'm not sure why.
Thanks again.
October 6, 2009 - 12:24pmThis Comment
my a/s husband just carries on in his own sweet aspergers way.he will not discuss it or read up on it.he is so stubburn.
November 21, 2010 - 8:15ami think if he read up on it,he thinks he will loose face by admitting he has it.and of course they do not like change,and to make a move to change his behaviour will mean change.why should he change.he has the life he wants///,it may make me happier,but that may mean i am more affectionate to him.and he cant stand that.
i think we have to change,not them.and if they make a small change,to please you.dont mention it.they see it as admitting they were wrong in first place.
my a/s husband actualy told me THE MORE YOU TALK ABOUT A/S .I WILL NOT LISTEN,SO SHUT UP.no point eh???
This Comment
I just have to tell you that this post really made me smile. It sounds like you are married to my husband! I can't tell you what a difference it has made to me to discover there are other women out there who are in the same situation... We may not be able to talk about it with our husbands or be able to talk to friends who wouldn't understand, but I'M glad you didn't "just shut up" thanks!
December 3, 2010 - 4:58pmThis Comment
Thanks for your comments.
I too have noticed that there doesn't seem to be much on the web yet on this subject. I can only guess that it's because the research is all relatively new, really just a few decades. And most of it so far has been about AS children.
Hopefully in time the research into other aspects of life with AS will increase and be easier to find.
Meantime, I'm glad to do my bit.
October 7, 2009 - 7:17amThis Comment