Facebook Pixel

Adults with Asperger's and the People Who Love Them

By HERWriter
 
Rate This

"Asperger's Syndrome" (AS) is a term that's fairly new to many of us. "Neurotypical" (NT) is another one. A neurotypical individual is simply one who doesn't have Asperger's Syndrome, a neurological condition related to autism. Asperger's affects the lives of those who have it and the lives of those around them.

Some people with Asperger's Syndrome choose to stay single. Others will marry, and some will have children. Some will have happy marriages and families. And some will not. One important factor in determining their chances of happiness is ... awareness. Awareness that there are two different languages of two different worlds being spoken (or not spoken) in the household.

Anger, resentment, depression, grief, rejection ... all are experienced on both sides of the great neurological divide. That is, unless the spouses have the chance to realize that this divide exists. And learn how to translate for each other.

Due to the nature of this neurological condition, empathy and emotional intimacy are lacking in a relationship with an Aspie. This doesn't mean that love is lacking however. Aspies love just like anyone else. But they do not grasp the need of having this love expressed, and they don't know when and how it should be done. Unless their neurotypical spouse is willing to teach them. Verbally, concisely, specifically. Not depending on hints, or hoping he or she will just "pick up on it". Aspies don't pick up on it. Like color-blind people can't tell when the stop light turns to green.

The neurotypical spouse has their hands full. So does their Aspie partner. Both may be in for far more than they'd bargained for and certainly have had no real help until just recently, as research has come to light.

A diagnosis of Asperger's Syndrome may not sound appealing to most of us. But for the AS individual who has spent their life bumping up against misunderstandings and anger and rejection for reasons they couldn't begin to understand, such a diagnosis can bring relief.

And for their NT spouse, there is reassurance that they are sane after all. There was something different at play all through their relationship. They weren't being oversensitive, being unreasonable. There was a very real disconnect right in the middle of their relationship.

And now, due to the research and media attention, these couples have a chance to bring new methods of communication and understanding to their relationships.

Resources:

Frequently Asked Questions on Asperger Syndrome
http://www.kmarshack.com/publications/as/faq.html

Learning Discoveries Psychological Services: What is Asperger's?
http://www.learningdiscoveries.org/Aspergers.htm

Families of Adults Affected by Asperger's Syndrome
http://www.faaas.org/

Adults with Asperger's Syndrome often go undiagnosed
http://www.faaas.org/doc.php?25,30,,1421800,faa1421800,,,Index,map.html

Please, Learn About Asperger Syndrome And Give Hope to Non-AS Spouses
http://www.faaas.org/doc.php?25,140

Adults with Asperger's Syndrome (from ASpar)
http://iamweiser.wordpress.com/2007/05/24/adults-with-aspergers-syndrome-from-aspar

Visit Jody's website and blog at http://www.ncubator.ca and http://ncubator.ca/blogger

Add a Comment24 Comments

(reply to Anonymous)

i wish you would accept that aspergers people[men and women]do marry.my husband was properly diagnosed by clinical pschychologist,who specialises in aspergers.she was recommended to us by the autistic trust of gt britain.her diagnosis is recognised by our medical doctor.
it is now proved and recognised by the medical proffession as a genetic syndrome.thats why when a child is diagnosed often the specialist can see probably one parent also has a/s.as its genetic,then if a/s people did not have children,then a/s would not exist.please read books by proff tony attwood.and maxine aston.

December 7, 2010 - 8:56am
(reply to jean low)

I totally agree with you!!!! Keep up the good work on getting people informed on the FACT: That A/S men do marry and it can be a VERY challenging marriage!

May 1, 2012 - 11:39am
(reply to Anonymous)

what rubbish,of course a/s people marry and have children,thats how we get more a/s people.my husband was diagnosed by top aspergers psychologist in england.
she said more and m

ore older people are being diagnosed every day.she often has to diagnose small children,and she often says its clear parent is also aspergers,men and women.
all experts in the field of aspergers now realize its inherited.
it sure is in my husbands family.his mum,sister,brother,our 2 kids and various other children in family.they are all high functioning and have great careers.not one of them has a good intimate relationship.they do have intimate relationships but not good ones.so please accept aspergers people do marry/FACT/

November 21, 2010 - 8:29am
(reply to jean low)

AGREED....;)

May 1, 2012 - 11:41am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

men with Asperger never marry. They are too immature growing up, wich means that they are not attractive to women.

October 6, 2009 - 12:27pm
(reply to Anonymous)

I'm sorry you believe that to be true ......I have struggled in an up and down roller coaster marriage for 15 years. My husband has always felt something was wrong but just was to stubborn to get counciling or help for saving our marriage. Our daughter is now being diagnosed with AS and he see's so many similarities. He constantly comes home saying people don't get his humor, (which alot of the time is unacceptable to audiences)nor does he understand others humor or that collegues say "Man dude you are one eccentric person!" He was diagnosed with having NO empathy at all, PTSD , anxiety disorder and with 2 pts. away of being ADHD to being medicated. The lack of empathy plus awkward verbal outbursts and not understanding typical convo with others has put a huge toll on our marriage his career, family and friends! So I beg to differ with you! they do and can get married but don't completely understand when the marriage and friendships fall apart.

May 1, 2012 - 11:29am
(reply to Anonymous)

yes aspergers men can seem very young for thier age,but my a/s husband was also great fun.to him life is fun.also hate to spoil your therey but he was very handsome also.so funny and handsome.how could i resist.the aspergers people in our famil[many]are all good looking/clever/hard working and love the other sex[or own]so now you know a/s do have relationships,some are good looking and if they are imature,that adds to the fun

December 4, 2010 - 2:43am
(reply to Anonymous)

aspergers men do marry.i am married to a man with aspergers.we have been married for 45 years.he was only diagnosed 3 years ago.when we met most couples did not live together before marriage.if we had i do not think i would have married him.i also have 2 adult children with it.one has out going/assertive a/s[like her dad]with severe mental health problems.the other one has passive a/s.[like her paternal uncle and cousin.]SO YES A/S PEOPLE DO MARRY.once you have a diagnosis things get a little easier.P.S.most of my family have good careers they all have some connection to their obsessive hobby.

August 28, 2010 - 4:31pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

What an ignorant comment. My husband has AS and he's high functioning. We've been married since June 2007, and our son will be 7 months this weekend. My hubby is a wonderful father and husband. He's quite mature.

October 6, 2009 - 9:42pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

I am an Aspie. I will be getting married to my Tenant and Roommate in January 2010. http://andrewlerner.blogspot.com/

October 6, 2009 - 1:58pm
Image CAPTCHA
Enter the characters shown in the image.
By submitting this form, you agree to EmpowHER's terms of service and privacy policy
Add a Comment

We value and respect our HERWriters' experiences, but everyone is different. Many of our writers are speaking from personal experience, and what's worked for them may not work for you. Their articles are not a substitute for medical advice, although we hope you can gain knowledge from their insight.

Asperger's Syndrome

Get Email Updates

Related Topics

Asperger's Syndrome Guide

Have a question? We're here to help. Ask the Community.

ASK

Health Newsletter

Receive the latest and greatest in women's health and wellness from EmpowHER - for free!