Holiday Stress: Women More Burdened by Expectations Than Men?

I'm not sure why women tend to suffer more from holiday stress. But from what I have seen over the years, there are more women who are weighted down by multiple lists, and the men that I know have a more streamlined experience.

These men haven't had to divest themselves of some ancient and burdensome expectations targeting their holiday performance. I don't think that many of them are even aware of most of what some of us women do.

Not the men's fault. And not the women's, either. I don't know what all the cultural, gender factors for this are. I just know that in some ways I envy those guys ... and in other ways I think I am the luckier one because some of these extras are actually a lot of fun — and consequently, they can be hard to let go of.

According to the American Psychological Association, "Women (44 percent) are more likely than men (31 percent) to report an increase of stress during the holiday season, citing lack of time (69 percent versus 63 percent), lack of money (69 percent versus 55 percent), and pressure to give or get gifts (51 percent versus 42 percent) as primary stressors. "

I think a lot of us women were brought up that way. And I also think some of us got to like the headiness that accompanies acts of creation, whether it's a dinner, or an array of gifts laid out for the kids under gorgeous decorations. How great does it feel to welcome a houseful of guests, into an atmosphere of beauty, warmth and heavenly aromas?

But all this creating can also induce tremendous headaches, financial binds, sleepless nights and panic attacks.

Giving up all — or even just some — of this can be difficult, and distressing. The more so if your feeling of self-worth is tangled up with rendering great performances. And, it's hard to step back from the act of creating something you love.

But in moments when you're wavering about whether you need to downsize ... replay the headaches, money pits, insomnia and anxiety.

Yep. I thought so.

Really, how much fun can actually be stuffed into one holiday season without blowing a gasket? Moderation is key to still being upright when the smoke has cleared and the season has spent itself.

I am less list-laden than many other women, but I have lots of room for paring things down. I have learned a few things over the years. My sense of being the keeper of holiday no longer weighs me down so much, and I try to no longer be held hostage by my performances during the holidays season.

I have been dealing for the last 20 years or so with a chronic health condition. For a number of those years I was too ill with ME/CFS to do much of anything for the holiday season and I learned some paring-down against my will, the hard way. But learn I did.

Here are a few things that I keep in mind, to preserve sanity for myself, and for my family.

1) Shorten the list.

I had to determine what the essentials were for me, and I had to stick just to those — if only because otherwise I would not have the energy for anything at all and would spend holiday get-togethers in my bedroom with the door closed.

Some of the men I know have very short lists to begin with. And, they don't start them in November or even earlier, like a lot of women do. Some have a list that is a reminder to go out Christmas Eve and buy something nice for the wife. Maybe pick up a bottle of wine or a couple cartons of eggnog for the holiday meal. Provide cigars for an after-dinner puff. Take the family for an evening drive to look at the holiday lights.

2) Lower the bar.

Remember what I said about doing everything from scratch? I made all the cookies and pies, stuffing did not come out of a box, and gravy didn't come out of a can.

The turkey dinner wasn't complete without sweet potatoes, white potatoes, squash and a couple of cooked vegetables to accompany that homemade stuffing, gravy, cookies and pies. Apple cider with cinnamon sticks simmered on the stove.

I still think my pies are better, but I am quite able to enjoy one from the store, or one that someone else baked.

Many guys I have known, on the other hand, are quite content to resort to take-out or pre-cooked foods if they are hosting a holiday dinner. They are content to serve pies and cookies straight out of the box, on a table — or on TV tables — devoid of decorations of any kind.

If they are guests at a holiday spread, these guys are quite comfortable walking in with nothing more than a smile, enjoying someone else's bounty with no drag on their sense of self-worth. Sublime, really.

Mind you, there are men who buck the stereotype, and the cultural indoctrination. When they do they tend to stand out against the more laidback landscape, and they are lovely. There's nothing quite like a man who will lay out a gorgeous dinner, who takes part in planning and giving, who loves to decorate.

I had twin girls three weeks before Christmas thirty years ago. I was in the hospital for a week or so and going home was all I wanted. My husband brought me home and what greeted my senses was phenomenal.

We lived in an old Victorian house, and when he opened the front door for me, I heard the music of the season playing in the living room, smelled my favorite incense, saw that he had painted the living room walls in the way we had been discussing before the births.

He had festooned the bannister of our staircase with pine boughs and enormous red velvet ribbons. Pine boughs and red bows graced the wainscoting in our living room, and the theme was picked up again on the Christmas tree he had set up in my absence. He had decorated it with tiny wooden old-fashioned ornaments like wee rocking horses and sleds, and with tiny red velvet bows.

I felt enveloped in warmth, peace and home. Here was a man who knew what was needed, and filled his whole house with it.

3) Remember why you're doing all this.

The performances, the displays, the purchases, and the obligatory appearances are all secondary to your family, your friends and your neighbors. Don't let yourself be lassoed into wasting your time and energy, as well as theirs, taking part in anything that doesn't focus on kindness, generosity and the love that you have for them.

Happy Holidays, and keep it simple. Make it sweet.

Further reading to help you de-stress:

Women Experience More Holiday Stress Than Men, Study Says
http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/story?id=2725756

Why Women Suffer More Holiday Stress (And How To Keep It From Highjacking The Festive Spirit)
http://www.forbes.com/sites/margiewarrell/2014/12/11/womens-holiday-stress

APA Survey Shows Holiday Stress Putting Women's Health at Risk
http://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/2006/12/women-stress.aspx

Mom's Guide to Family Health: New Year Food and Fitness
http://www.webmd.com/parenting/family-health-12/reduce-holiday-stress

Visit Jody's website at http://www.ncubator.ca

Reviewed November 20, 2015
by Michele Blacksberg RN

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• Stress
• Adult Living
• Emotional Health
• Relationships & Family
• Wellness