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Why There's No Such Thing as Sexual Addiction -- And Why It Really Matters: Part 1

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If convicted mass murderer Ted Bundy had said that watching Bill Cosby reruns motivated his awful crimes, he would have been dismissed as a deranged sociopath. Instead, Bundy has said his pornography addiction made him do it - which many people treated as the conclusion of a thoughtful social scientist. Why?

There's a phenomenon emerging in America today that affects everyone, particularly those in the helping professions. Not caring about it, or having no opinion about it, is no longer an option.

I am not interested in trashing 12-step programs. AA performs a great service every year in helping people handle their addiction to alcohol and other drugs. The question that has been put to us is, is the addiction model a good one for diagnosing sexual problems, and is the 12-step model a good one for treating sexual problems?

And if it is, is it as appropriate for treating rapists as it is for people who masturbate more than they think they should?

HOW THE SEXUAL ADDICTION MOVEMENT AFFECTS PROFESSIONALS

People are now self-diagnosing as "sex addicts."

They're also diagnosing their partners. Non-sexologist professionals such as ministers and doctors are diagnosing some of their clientele as sex addicts, too. As a result of these trends, many people who should be seeing therapists or sexologists are not. And many who don't need "treatment" are getting it.

The sexual addiction movement is aggressively training non-sexologists, such as marriage counselors, in the treatment of sexual problems.

Many professionals are now taking these programs instead of those offered by sexologists. Also, some professionals now feel incompetent to treat certain systemic problems without this sexual addiction "training." It is important to note that the content of this sexual addiction training is sexologically inadequate: there is little or no discussion of systems, physiology, diagnoses, cultural aspects, etc.

The concept of sexual addiction affects the sexual climate of the society in which we work - negatively.

This negativity is reflected in anti-sex education legislation, anti-pornography ordinances, homophobic industry regulations, etc.

Sex addicts now have cachet as sex experts.

Mass murderer Ted Bundy, widely quoted as an expert on the effects of pornography, is only one example. Right-wing crusaders now routinely quote "sex addicts" to justify repressive beliefs and public policy suggestions.

DEFINING SEXUAL ADDICTION

In the literature, the sex addict is typically described as:

Someone who frequently does or fantasizes sexual things s/he doesn't like; Someone whose sexual behavior has become unstoppable despite serious consequences (including, according to Dr. Patrick Carnes, unwanted pregnancy); someone whose sexual behavior and thoughts have become vastly more important than their relationships, family, work, finances, and health; someone whose sexual behavior doesn't reflect her/his highest self, the grandest part of her/his humanness.

According to the National Association of Sexual Addiction Problems, "6 percent or 1 out of 17 Americans are sexual addicts." That's about 14 million people.

From this literature and from meetings of groups like Sexaholics Anonymous (SA), the beliefs of people committed to the sexual addiction model appear to include:

Sex is most healthy in committed, monogamous, loving, heterosexual relationships. The "goal" of sex should always be intimacy and the expression of our highest self; there are limits to healthy sexual expression, which are obvious (e.g., masturbation more than once a day). Choosing to use sex to feel better about yourself or to escape from problems is unhealthy.

CLINICAL IMPLICATIONS OF THE CONCEPT

It sees powerlessness as a virtue.

Step one of the traditional "12 steps" of all AA-type groups is "we admitted we were powerless over X (alcohol, our sexual impulses, etc.)..."

Controlling our sexuality can be painful, not because we lack self-control or will power, but because sexual energy is powerful and demands expression. The primitive, infantile forces behind those demands often make sexuality feel like a matter of life and death - which, in the unconscious, it is.

"Sex addicts" say they are "out of control," but this is just a metaphor - i.e., they feel out of control; controlling their impulses is very painful. We've all had that experience, with sex and with other things. Virtually everyone has the ability to choose how to control and express their sexual impulses (we'll discuss the small group who can't later). The concept of sexual addiction colludes with people's desire to shirk responsibility for their sexuality. But powerlessness is far too high a price to pay.

It prevents helpful analysis by patients and therapists.

The concept of sexual addiction prevents any examination of the personality dynamics underlying sexual behavior. It prevents the assessment and treatment of sexual or personality problems, because identifying and dealing with the "addiction" is the goal.

By encouraging people to "admit" that they are powerless, the concept of sexual addiction prevents people from examinining how they come to feel powerless - and what they can do about that feeling. This careful examination, ultimately, is the source of personality growth and behavior change. The expression, "That's my addiction talking," is creeping into the popular vocabulary. This translates into, "don't confront or puncture my defenses."

It trivializes sexuality.

The concept of sexual addiction ignores the childhood passions at the source of sexual guilt. Aggression, lust for power, and greedy demands to be pleasured are all part of normal sexuality, which every adult needs to broker in some complex fashion.

People learn to feel guilty about their sexual impulses as infants. "Sex addicts" are told they have nothing to feel guilty about, that they can learn to feel better one day at a time. But people know all the "good" reasons they have for feeling sexual guilt. By denying the dark side of normal, healthy sexuality that most people know they have, the concept of sexual addiction increases guilt.

Self-identified "sex addicts" want us to remove the darkness from their sexuality, leaving only the wholesome, non-threatening part - which would, of course, also leave them as non-adults. Rather than collude with this understandable desire, competent therapists are willing to confront this darkness. Instead of snatching it away from patients, we can help them approach, understand, and ultimately feel less afraid of it.

Another way to describe this is that:

It lets people split - i.e., externalize their "bad" sexuality.

Once a person describes her/himself as a "sex addict," s/he can say, "I don't want that sexual feeling or behavior over there; the disease wants it." Good therapists know how to recognize splitting, how it blocks adult functioning and how to move patients away from it.

It makes a disease out of what is often within reasonable limits of sexual behavior.

High levels of masturbating and any patronage of prostitutes, for example, are typically condemned as "abnormal" and reflecting a "disease," according to SA-type groups. Which experts get to make judgments about acceptable sexual behavior? Exactly where do their criteria come from?

It doesn't teach sexual decision-making skills or how to evaluate sexual situations.

Rather, the concept uses a "just say no" approach. As experience with family planning shows, "just say no" helps people abstain from self-destructive sex about as well as "have a nice day" helps people deal with depression.

SA-type groups say that ultimately, sexual abstinence is more like abstinence from compulsive eating - that is moderation - than it is like abstinence from compulsive drinking - that is, zero participation. On what theoretical basis has this critical judgment been made? Simple expediency.

Where is the healthy model of sexuality?

The sexual addiction model of human sexuality is moralistic, arbitrary, misinformed and narrow. Excluded from this model are using sex to feel good; having "bad" fantasies; and enjoying sex without being in love. Where is the theoretical justification for this moralistic position?

We've seen this before: the concept of sin as sickness. It has led to sincere attempts to "cure" homosexuality, nymphomania and masturbation by the world's leading social scientists, within our own lifetime. It is outrageous to treat sexual problems without a model of healthy sexuality that relates to most people's experience. The sexual addiction concept shows a dramatic ignorance of the range of typical human sexuality.

At the end of competent sex therapy or psychotherapy treatment, the patient is a grown-up, able to make conscious sexual choices. Sex addiction treatment offers a patient the chance to be a recovering sex addict. Which would you rather be?

Link to article: http://www.sexed.org/archive/article08.html

Add a Comment10 Comments

EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

I don't think there is a such a thing as sex addiction. I think this was something invented to justify cheating when that person gets caught...

January 24, 2011 - 1:52am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

Flat wrong. I'm a recovering sex addict and one of the things we talk about in our Sex Addicts Anonymous meetings on a regular basis is how we use the addiction to mask the underlying personality issues. Come to an open meeting sometime (where casual observers are welcome) and see for yourself. Stopping the destructive behavior of engaging in unhealthy sexual activity is only the first but necessary step of recovery.

June 25, 2009 - 11:24am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

If your behavior is truly unhealthy, as defined by a lack of psychological health whose causality can be traced to a sexual behavior or set of behaviors, then you probably fit a viable definition for sex addict. The author did not say that sexual addiction did not exist, the author was stating that sexual addiction is being mis-diagnosed and that there is an inadequate standard by which to measure sexual addiction further compounded by non-sexologist counseling providing unsupported and potentially harmful definitions of what sexual addiction really is. Although not everyone is gifted in understanding and hashing out minutia, one must learn how if you wish to speak on these topics.

July 20, 2009 - 3:23pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

I must admit that the author was mis-leading with the words used in the title. A more appropriate title would have read: The issue of no standard definition of sexual addiction and its implications.

July 20, 2009 - 3:28pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

We have just completed creating a foundation that focuses on finding help for those that suffer from Pornography / Sexual Addiction. We have teamed up with a leading Neurologist who has written on wonderful book that presents the case on why Pornography is so addicting. Even more addicting then Alcohol or Drugs. You can learn more by going to http://salifeline.org.

June 23, 2009 - 1:22pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

I am certainly no expert, but addictions share many 'causes' in common and just like I wouldn't rely on AA only to help treat alcoholism, a 12-step program to treat sexual addictions/issue is not enough. People suffering from any addiction need intensive therapy to try to get to and 'solve' the causes which lead sufferers to do whatever it is they do to cover the pain. Addictions, simply, are defensive outlets and the 'why' needs to be discovered and uncovered for recovery and a move to more healthful living. So, whether 'sex addiction' is the right term or not, the addictive behavior seen with sex, drugs, alcohol, etc. can and should be treated. The 12-step programs, in my humble opinion, is a support tool, not a possible cure. BTW, addicts are not big on admitting their addictions - denial is huge in addiction - so anyone 'self-diagnosing' is probably not really suffering from the deep emotional torment of addiction.

June 10, 2009 - 9:14am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

So, does this mean that we're simply an immoral society overly obsessed with sex, and that "sexual addiction" is merely depravity?

Regardless how some take moral offense (if that's the right way to say it) to the preponderance of sexually explicit messages, material, display, etc. bombarding us, I also disagree with the notion that sexual addiction isn't real. What, then, is addiction to porn, if not to the underlying sexual fantasy? Why, then, are men so hell bent on dominating women with the perceived power of their genitals?

June 8, 2009 - 4:16pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

To the anonymous poster from June: You feel as if men are hell bent on dominating women with the perceived power of their genitals. I'm not sure what "hell bent" means, but I could guess it means strongly motivated. However, for the sake of keeping the discussion on the knowable, I will remove it and re-phrase: You feel as if men want to dominate women with the perceived power of their genitals. Whose perceived power are you referring to? I cannot tell if you mean the male or the females perception, or "both". I will remove it and rephrase: You feel as if men want to dominate women with the power of their genitals. I assume you mean sexual pleasure giving power of their genitals, since they, "meaning the males genitals", have no other means to impart influence over women. It is possible you mean social power, but that would be outside the scope of this discussion. Outside of rape I see no power that one person could exercise over another with their genitals directly. Rape is also outside the scope of this discussion, since rape is known to not be about sex or sexual addiction, but direct power of another human being. Rapists almost always present with a psychopathology. They are usually sexual sadists. However, I digress, It appears that you are implying that sexual fantasy and pornography go hand in hand and that it is the driving desire to dominate women with the power of their genitals that is causal to both the fantasy and use of pornography to enjoy this fantasy. If this interpretation of what you have said is true, then it is also true that all men in general wish to dominate the opposite sex, sexually, without regard to the actual sexual attraction felt, personal sexual orientation, feelings of affection, or natural inherent desire to have sex. It further supposes that feelings of sexual dominance is something that is abnormal in men. Also, it ignores the fact that there are dominant women and women who are clinical sexual addicts and addicted to pornography. The degrees to which these thing occur in women are currently outside the reasoning process. The purpose of this note is to urge others to hold themselves to a much higher standard of thought when speaking about things they are passionate about.

July 20, 2009 - 3:14pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

As a society, I think we declare many unwanted or suboptimal behaviors into diseases or addictions and this is also true of sexual addiction. There was a quote from the t.v. show News Radio a few years back when one characters was describing himself as a sex addict, the character Dave responded with, "I'm sorry. I'm from Wisconsin. Does that mean you were getting a lot?"

But even if I'm willing to agree that we as a society probably over-diagnose sexual addiction, it seems to me that nearly all of the possible definitions from these type of addictions (sexual, alcohol, nicotine, etc) depend on normative distinctions. As you say "Which experts get to make judgments about acceptable sexual behavior? Exactly where do their criteria come from?" Isn't that also the case for alcohol? Or drugs? Why isn't that modifying those behaviors just about "controlling their impulses"?

June 8, 2009 - 4:04pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

Could not disagree with you more. Sexual addiction is real. We have been helping people for 20 years overcome sexual addiction. I do agree with you that sex is healthy and essential. It is built into the very core of our lives. It is part of our survival but to say that it is not a real problem is making light of something that is destroying lives world wide.

InnerGold.com

June 8, 2009 - 1:30pm
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