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“I'm sick of myself for allowing him to hold my happiness in his hands by deciding when we're allowed to have sex. I feel rejected and ever-plummeting confidence.” If this statement sounds familiar, you are not alone. Many women report their current relationship as going through a sexual slump, and are baffled, asking, “Why won't he have sex with me?!”
How to Begin the Conversation, Communication Tips:
- Don't talk to him about sex because that's far less important than asking him if he actually wants to be in this relationship.
- The best approach depends on what the cause of his not wanting sex. He needs to be able to communicate his feelings and concerns.
- Give him the "space" to let you know what he's thinking. "Space" means no guilt trips, listening without judgment, no interrupting, etc.
- Talk about it together: what are you noticing different from when you two were having sex?
- Are you both able and interested in meeting each other's needs (sexual and non-sexual)?
- Ask him: "why aren't we having sex anymore"? This is an open-ended question where he can't answer yes/no and just leave it. He doesn't need to be pushed in a corner or made uncomfortable but your concerns have to be addressed or the relationship will (should) end.
Medical, Physical and Emotional Conditions:
- Depression can do more than affect your sex dive -- it can effectively kill it. People who are depressed lose interest in things they love -- including sex.
- Low libido in men (low sex drive is related to emotional distress, depressive disorders, weakness, pain, problems with body image).
- Porn “addiction” or preoccupation.
- Diabetic or other medical condition.
- New job occupying his mind and is excessively stressed.
- Worried about satisfying me to such an extent that he no longer wants to try.
- Smoking and other drugs were more exciting and fulfilling.
- He's a very emotional guy and his anxiety and stress gets in the way of wanting to be intimate.
Relationship Red Flags:
- If you are concerned about the relationship, and he does not appear worried or concerned. He may not care enough about the relationship, or be as invested in its long-term success as you are.
- A partner who is unsympathetic or demanding, insecure of selfish in other areas of life or with other relationships may continue these traits in his relationship with you.
- He consistently eschews any relationship discussion by blaming you or finding you at fault.
- Dating someone for only a year and the relationship becomes sexless (platonic), something is wrong.
- A partner who begins corresponding with an ex-girlfriend, ,or has active accounts on dating sites.
- A partner who puts you down, shrugs off your concerns, says "it's fine" or otherwise placates you with no foreseeable solution or compromise.
Women shared advice while experiencing relationship turmoil, in regards to why their male partner did not want to have sex, or why men (in general) may not be particularly in the mood. Many women were surprised, as they thought something was wrong with them (felt they were not attractive enough, for instance) as they believed men wanted sex all the time.
Reasons Men Don't Want Sex:
- There are negative aspects of sex, felt by both men and women. There is a “requirement” to perform . There is an “expectation” or desire to please someone else.
- Sex is both giving and receiving, and sometimes a person may not be in the “giving” spirit.
- People can feel “less than themselves” at times, and can be stressed, tired, irritable, bloated, achy, sad ... all of these physical and emotional symptoms that doesn't help one to feel “in the mood” or “sexy”.
- He feels you two are not sexually compatible, and is unsure how to talk about it without an argument or hurt feelings.
- Additional reading: Best Responses from Men: Why Won't He Have Sex With Me.
Sexless Relationship = Friendship:
- You need to decide for yourself how truly invested you (and he) are in this relationship. If you are not intimate, you're really just friends, aren't you? It may be scary to consider, but listen to your inner voice and move on if you've tried and he isn't responsive.
- I was in a similar situation with a long-term relationship. You know what? It ended. For me being best friends was important, but you can't only be best friends. I spent many bitter years of this sort of Hell, and now I have a fantastic partner finally!
We hope some of this information, advice and words-of-wisdom were useful, and we have compiled some helpful suggestions that you can implement now to begin improving your self-esteem and enjoying yourself again.
Positive Improvements You Can Make TODAY:
- I have noticed, like some others have mentioned, that when we spend time away from each other I am a little more aggressive and even initiate sex.
- We were spending too much time together. Just by my being independent (because I wanted to, not to spite him!), we enjoyed each other again. Give him some quality time to miss you.
- Stop communicating by using subtle guilt trips or piling on emotional baggage. Women are saying, "lack of sex is killing my self-esteem" is a type of manipulation that will make him feel worse, push him farther away emotionally and physically. Only you can allow your self-esteem to be taken, and blaming him is not a good foundation for a healthy relationship.
More Relationship and Sex Words of Wisdom:
- What to Do When Your Man Withdraws from you Sexually.
- Best Responses from Men: Why Won't He Have Sex With Me?.
Add a Comment39 Comments
When I decided after 25 years of marriage that we were going to become a "cuckold" couple, my husband balked at the idea. Since I began enacting this, which is my right as a strong independent woman, my husband began refusing to sleep with me despite my telling him I would divorce him and blackball him in custody court. All I want is to make him get with the program, and fulfill my needs as a woman. What is the best way for me to explain to him that he owes me this?
January 1, 2016 - 11:01pmThis Comment
You should honestly kill yourself, that's the best thing for a woman like you.
July 16, 2016 - 2:49amThis Comment
When YOU decided to become a cuckold couple and he bailed at the idea when YOU told him?
March 19, 2016 - 11:25pmSo in other words he wanted a monogamous relationship and you didn't. You went ahead with it and now you wonder why he stopped having sex with you? Let me explain- you cheated on him and he doesn't want to catch anything, is that clear enough or is your arrogance getting in the way?
Now your demanding him accept your cheating or you'll divorce and take his children away. You pathetic, miserable excuse for a subhuman. I can tell you're american which is a shame as everyone over there is as moronic as you. Your husband deserves far better.
This Comment
Are you a men's rights activist or a troll? Is there a difference?
February 12, 2016 - 2:27pmThis Comment
As much as I hate to sound like "one of those guys" I really would like to point out that if the genders were reversed in this situation, a lot of the sense of entitlement to somebody else's body and aadvice given would be considered offensive and oppressive.
Seriously; go back and read the article again, imagining the genders were reversed. Also, how quickly it suggests that when a man does not desire sex with his SO for any period of time, that something is physically, mentally or emotionally wrong with him is something I really don't think would be considered an acceptable POV in a situation where it was the woman withholding sex from the man in the relationship. How would the owners of this website react to an article suggesting men corner women with questions that demand direct answers and threaten to end a realtionship if the woman does not have sexual relations with them?
I support equality as much as the next man, but this article does not come from a position of equality but rather one of counterdominance. That does not make for a healthy relationship.
January 1, 2016 - 10:56pmThis Comment
I see what you're saying, but the article doesn't need to be read that way. If your partner is consistently not interested in having sex with you, there probably is a problem with the relationship. If my partner (female) never wanted sex with me I would be pretty concerned.
February 12, 2016 - 2:23pmThis Comment
My boyfriend and I were having sex almost every night. I loved dressing up for him and even watched port with him. He would dote on me, tell me how beautiful I was and looked at me like I was the only woman in the world.
December 13, 2015 - 10:06pmNow for a year and a half he has barely touched me. I asked him why and all he says it that things change but won't explain further. I also found him sense then on date sites, ordering women from back page and asking Co workers to send him Crack whores.
He also has been extremely aggressive towards me and abusive. Calls me old, and tells me to get away from him. Even when I try to kiss him he gives me dirty looks. Recently he told me that I smother him. I get confused cause he is at school from 5am to sometimes 10pm daily. How could I possibly be smothering him.
I spend all my time home alone, I do absolutely everything for him, now even supporting him financially while he goes to school and feel as if I am no use to him, feel old and worthless and very lonely. . I miss what we had not very long ago, don't know why it has changed and at times want to just give up leave or just flat out and die...
This Comment
Please get out now. He is a jerk and you cannot change him. It is easy to find a suitable love in a short amount of time. You are very unhappy and ar not getting any love. Beinging alone for a a short time is better than being with a man that is not willing to give you the love you need. Just remember that you get to take the good part or the relationship with you when you leave.......your loving self. Love yourself enough to get out. Get another apartment without telling him and leave while he is gone. You are not loosing anything by leaving him and you will never find the happy love of your life while you wast your youth on Mr. Shithead.
December 14, 2015 - 3:39pmThis Comment
I think, honestly, this is good advice to use any time if the male you are with won't comply with what you want.
February 14, 2016 - 5:37amThis Comment
hello
just imagine if a wife or gf does this. then you wont tell she is a jerk. you will answer in a smooth way. you will suggest to talk to her nicely and dont hurt her blah blah blah. but why you are so rude at men. moreover in the given case did you ask her whether she touched her man frequently.
women also wanr to man to touch all over their bodies and put all the efforts. but will you do the same. even man has sensation. even he wants to be touched and caressed.
understand its not one way game.
she tried to kiss but he gave bad looks. but actually she kissed to get him to touch all her body and to be caressed. i know these idiotic nature of women. who touches his body and caress
January 4, 2016 - 2:50amThis Comment