Dr. Marty Klein - How Do I Get My Spouse Involved In The Decision-Making Role In Our Relationship?

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No sex or relationship question is too embarrassing because it's time to ask EmpowHer's sexuality expert, Dr. Marty Klein, anything.

Michelle King Robson:
Dr. Klein, a woman on EmpowHer submitted this question for you, “How can you encourage your spouse or partner to step up to the plate and take on more of a decision-making role in your relationship? I have noticed that over the years, I have to make all the decisions, whether small or large, in our marriage. Why is that? And I want the input but always get the same answer: ‘It doesn’t matter to me; you make the decision.’ How can I express how important his input is without getting him upset with me?”

Dr. Marty Klein:
Well, I never guarantee that you can talk to people without getting them upset, so forget about that. I mean, you are asking for a major change in the relationship. Of course he is going to get upset about that. He is cruising along thinking, “Everything is the way I want it; we don’t have to do anything differently.” You are coming in and saying, “Hey, I want a big change around here.”

So of course he is going to be upset about that. I don’t have a problem with that. Now let’s get to your question. For starters, I wonder why he trusts you so much. Is it that your decision-making is so great? Is it that he is so involved in either his job or his kids or whatever that he really doesn’t care about anything else? Or maybe the two of you are pretty much in harmony on these decisions. It’s just that maybe you feel kind of alone, or maybe you are missing the fun of the two of you making decisions together, or maybe you would like to feel more cared about and have him say, “Honey, I am going to take care of this from start to finish, and you don’t have to worry about a thing.”

Well, you know, maybe if that’s what’s going on, you can explain that to him. Maybe you could say, “I know it doesn’t matter to you where we go for dinner tomorrow night, but, you know, it would be really nice for me where dinner would start tonight, when you say tomorrow night, ‘I am going to take care of it. You don’t have to worry about a thing.’” And so for you, the fun of going out to dinner on Friday night would start on Thursday when he says, “Honey, I am going to take care of everything.”

He may not appreciate that you feel kind of alone or that you feel like he doesn’t care about you as much as you would like, when he leaves all the decision-making to you. So maybe if you explain that to him, that would help. And finally, why don’t you tell him, “You know, honey, when you don’t have a preference, say ‘I don’t have a preference,’ rather than ‘I don’t care’ because when you say ‘I don’t care,’ I feel alone. When you say ‘I don’t have a preference’, I feel, ‘Oh, we have options here.’”