No sex or marriage question is too embarrassing because it’s time to ask EmpowHer’s sexuality expert Dr. Marty Klein, anything.
What should you do first after losing your spouse of 30 years?
Dr. Marty Klein:
Oh, my. The first thing you need to do is feel terrible. You probably don’t need me to tell you that, but you really need to feel that whole range of feelings, including lonely, including abandoned, don’t forget to feel angry. After 30 years, of course you are going to feel angry that your mate left you like this. Oh, my.
Now where do you start? Well, I think the place to start is to realize that you are going to complete one part of your life and begin an entirely new part of your life.
Your needs are going to be different, the people you associate may be different, and you will be investigating new things and you will be making new mistakes. You are definitely going to be making mistakes, and they will be new mistakes. And of course, the world is different now than it was when you were single last time.
So, I think that it’s very important for people to be connected with other people, and whether that means family, whether that means volunteer activities, whether that means a religious association like a church or synagogue, it’s important that anyone who loses their mate be connected with other people.
And, what I hear is that some people feel, “Oh, nobody wants me around. I am single.” Actually, that’s not true. People are happy to have you around, especially if you are not bitter and cranky.
So, don’t forget to feel terrible, but also don’t forget to reach out to other people. You have a year or two where you can tell people, “I just was lost my mate and I am a little at loose ends,” and don’t be hesitant to tell people you are at loose ends because every grown-up can imagine, “Oh my gosh, that must feel really disorienting.”
So, when you tell people you feel disoriented, people will be sympathetic and they will be interested in connecting up with you, and that’s the beginning of your new life.