Hey kandy hope ur day starting off ok sorry u had a bad one yesterday mine not so great but I'm still alive LOL!! If u don't mind me asking how old r u n ur kids especially if ur daughter is getting married? Another ? Is n the area u leave in they don't provide help for ppl n ur situation n even divorcing him u can't get allimony I don't understand why if u have proof that he's cheating. I just worry bout u n the state of mind ur n there got to b something don't give up ur life is not over yet remember this Tough times don't last but tough people do. Ill be praying

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Ty so much,& yes.. I do feel somewhat better as that's the first time I've actually said that, out right, like that! Whew! But, yesterday was a bad bad day for me...todays a little better(feeling of total hopelessness).I have not been anywhere, as with everything else, I rely on him...he is a controlling person and I have an unpaid ticket and can't drive right now! Christine, this just goes round & round. I'm sure it would be easier if I had at least one friend or family member to help but, I don't! My father & my aunt were the only real ppl in my life I could go to! What in the world is Gods plan? Right now, my judgement is so clouded & I definitely can't see the forrest!...not fir the trees though,...but because of the blazing fire that has consumed every tree in it! And so, for now, it's just moment to moment..pray for me, pls.

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Well I finally broke down. Completely lost the plot, burst into tears - the works. I called my boyfriend home from work early - told him that I had been through enough and that was that. It was call it a day or sort yourself out. I gave him the 6 sides of A4 paper that I had written both sides of how he makes me feel. It's not a pleasant read. He sat just staring at me with nothing to say. I did all the talking and had to work really hard to even try and get a reply. He just sat there. He occasionally opened his mouth and said that he loves me and wants to be with me for the rest of his life and that he will try but we have gone 5 days now since this chat. Still no sex. I almost had to put the words into his mouth - asking if he has a sex drive of which he said yes!!! WEll not with me sunshine! I asked why he didn't want a sex life with me and he said he did!!!!! I asked if he was gay - he denied. I asked if he was having an affair - he denied. I asked what the problem is - He said there wasn't one. He said that I was pushing him away and that he now (that he thinks he may be getting his sex drive back !!!) doesn't know how to move forward. I told him of course I will have put my barriers up. It's hard to love someone that doesn't show you any connection or affection. It's like really giving love to a dog that you know is going to savage your face - you just wouldn't hug it would you? We have gone 131 days now with no sex! I said to him that he must go and see a doctor as it may be quite so simple as he has no sex drive. A worry perhaps that maybe there are further health issues. He says he will go but who knows - will he? I know now that he was the same with all of his previous girlfriends. The one before me left after 6 months of no sex. THe one before that after 3 months of no sex. The one before that after a year of no sex. So I can't see this being a physical problem - ???
It feels to me like it's more a pyschological problem. Or would someone just have a physical problem for that length of time and not do anything about it. I asked if he doesn't like sex of which he said he did. I asked if he thought sex was dirty of which he just looked at me. To cut a long story he said that he had a lack of sex drive but it was coming back - really?????
Well if it is he certainly isn't sharing it with me! The phone use still continues in the bathroom despite having said I am fed up of it. He almost seems quilty as he in the morning when getting ready for work picks up his phone and watch and tells me - ' got that and that'! When his iphone pings he looks at it on his email and tells me whatever spam it is - it's almost like a quilty consience. Anyway he now knows exactly how I feel. If I really am worth anything he will go and see his / my doctor. But now how long do I have to wait for him to do that. To be honest I am not convinced he will do anything about it. The way that he is with me and clearly with his previous partners show that this is just the way he is. And that he thinks it's acceptable. I'm not sure he can change. Or if he does try how long that will last. I would like to be proved wrong. In fact - he's just called and I have asked him - 'have you booked into see the doctor?' His reply 'no but I will'. What's the betting he comes back with some hayfever tablets and an enhaler! So what now? Where do I go now? What do I say to him now? HOw to move forward? Why is life so testing.

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This is what I don't understand kandy he treats u bad he's cheating on u n u 2 don't sleep n the same bed don't communicate then answer me this why do u stay with him n live so unhappy n don't say its because of the kids u said u once work b4 n u can again to take u n ur kids out of the misery u all r n no one should b treat like that no matter how many years u 2 been together would u want ur daughter to think its ok 4 a man to treat her that why. Trust me I've been miss treated n have a daughter by him but I eventuly realize that it wasn't a life 4 me nor her n I didn't want her to think that's how woman should b treated so I got out n take care of both of us just fine. You have to love urself urself 1st

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Hello Christine,
Since my marriage ended, I have had quite a bit of counselling, I don't think I would have come this far had I not. Counselling per se however didn't work for me, as I didn't need to 'talk' (I have some fantastic friends and family who listened and understood) what I needed back then were tools as to how to deal with my feelings and emotions, and to make some sense of what I allowed myself to endure. I identified that it was a lack of self-worth, as why would I have put my own feelings on the back-burner, as it were. It wasn't just the lack of sex, it was a whole bunch of other things, but as I stated in my earlier post, I could put a label on that, the other things have taken some time to understand. I didn't recognize myself when I came out the other end.

Friends and family were honest throughout my marriage, I chose not to listen. I bet loads of other people will identify with that here. Because for some reason we believe (nagging self-doubt, intuition aside) that we can rescue the tormented soul. We cant. We don't. They move on. We take time to.

Initially after we separated, I went on what is called a 'Pattern Changing Course'. The idea started in America, Ive been told. It deals with abusive behavior, and how we don't fall in to the same kinds of relationships again. We are all different here, and as I cited in my earlier message, my marriage ended not solely on the lack of sex. However, it isn't normal to be in a relationship where you are literally begging for intimacy, believe.And it doesn't get better on its own...

What has helped me and I still see her from time to time was a Clinical Hypnotherapist. This wasn't about my marriage, but my self-worth, confidence and self esteem. What she said on my initial consultation was that when we adults realize that we are only responsible for ourselves (and of course our children and people who can not be responsible for themselves, ie those who are mentally impaired) and that we are NOT responsible for other adults, we will build better relationships. We cant change others, only ourselves. We don't need to change for other people. Hypnotherapy can stop physical pain, and stop people smoking - heck, it works...

I am on my own now with my daughter. My daughter from our marriage. Just the one (I would like to make a joke here, but you may have already got it! :) I work full time, as I have to. However, when I am not, I have the most wonderful time with my daughter, and do things that I am sure she will remember for ever. Initially, I believed that I was a failure for not getting back in to a relationship, as I feel some people look at divorcees and believe that they cant have moved on since their breakup, as they are still alone. This is so far from reality. That was just in my head, and not the common thoughts of most.

I have had sex since my marriage ended, a great chap I have known for some time and sex was brilliant. It lasted a few months. However, he wasn't what I wanted or needed at that time, and we parted as great friends. And he made me feel whole, and like the woman I have come to be AND ALWAYS WAS...

So, hopefully I have answered your questions, and that although my confidence with relationships is obviously still not there, I am happier now than I was way back them, when discovering my marriage was NEVER going to suddenly get better, and knowing what I identified, I wouldn't have ever wanted it to. Although it took two years to understand this.

The last thing that I want to add is this: People (friends, family) say, 'move on'. What actually does 'move on' mean? If it takes a few weeks, months, or in my case, years, each day is not a wasted day, and it is a day closer to understanding and NEVER going to that dark place again - by darkplace, I mean where your self-confidence and self-esteem takes a bashing and you internalize ever problem with your partner as your own. During my 'moving on' I have built a super relationship with my daughter, and found me in a better and healthier place. So, should it take longer than you think to 'move on' (?!) then so what! There is no hard or fast rule as to when someone is ready, but there is danger in not sorting yourself out after an unhealthy relationship before the next.

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