I have a problem with my husband. He keeps on saying that he is very depressed and that we need to change things in our life, that he does not have enough activity and that he is feeling very lonely isolated, kind of a vegetable. We moved out to a foreing country 4 years ago where the culutre is very different from anglosaxon culture, people are cold and we do not really speak the local langugage. As I am very socialble and in 12 step programs, I am OK but he did not really manage to make friends here and we are now in the process of moving to a differnt place where we know the culture, speak the language and people are generally warm and friendly. But the move will take a while and he is REALLY draning me with his constant complaints and constantly telling me how depressed he is. I feel like I am fixing and doing everything and I am totally drained by his low moods. I organised that we join a nice international health club, listen to him all the time. He often gets angry with me as if it was my fault that he is feeling depressed or in a bad mood. What do you suggest I do?
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Hi Samurai - I'm delighted to hear that you AND your husband are sharing the articles, but most of all it's wonderful to get such positive news from you. It sounds like the two of you are working as a team, and really making "home" where the heart is. :-) Pat
December 4, 2009 - 11:48amThis Comment
Thank you Pat for this comment and the one about teeth.
December 7, 2009 - 5:14amThis Comment
Hi Samurai - As Diane explained, depression is a medical condition. it can only be diagnosed by a trained professional. We can't tell you if your husband is clinically depressed or not, and we can't tell you where one incident fits in with his overall health.
December 2, 2009 - 5:54pmYou've said that your husband said he was depressed. The next step for someone who believes they are depressed is to seek professional guidance and support from a counselor/therapist and/or a psychiatrist. If that seems too overwhelming, then your family physician or other health care provider would be a good staring point. We wish you and your husband well.
Take good care,
Pat
This Comment
Thank you so much Pat for all of your kind comments. I really appreciate your support and I know now that I am not all alone with this.
We went to the mountains where we have been going for many years and where we have lots of friends and we are both much better now. I think that this isolation and not having a loving support network where we have been living for the last four years has been getting us into a very difficult space emotionally. My husband is like a completely different person here: full of considence, energy, happy, efficient in his work. He is almost the opposite person. I am also feeling so much better myself. Can long term isolation and not having loving people around make on so down psychologically?
December 3, 2009 - 9:38amThis Comment
Hi Samuri - That's a great question. Many studies have shown that having a good support system is a key ingredient to happiness, as well as a major factor in how well people recover from illness or from a life disruption such as losing a job or going through a divorce. In other words, human beings really need to feel connected with other people.
I happen to be someone who's lived in three countries and in all of the regions of the US. Like you and your husband, I've found some locations to be more comfortable than others. What has been a real help in recent years is being able to use the Internet to at least virtually connect with others, and to also connect in real life. There are so many online groups today, for almost any common area of interest, and that makes it a whole lot easier to find like-minded people and connect with them.
I think you will be interested in a study that found loneliness, like happiness, is contagious. The study, published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology,
found that if you're in a more negative mood, you're more likely to interact with someone else in a more negative way, and that person is more likely to interact in a negative way. Sounds like a never-ending cycle of misery, doesn't it?
You can read more here:
http://www.usatoday.com/news/health/2009-12-01-loneliness01_ST_N.htm
http://www.usatoday.com/news/health/2009-08-06-apa-loneliness_N.htm
http://www.usatoday.com/news/health/2009-08-05-happiness-apa-money_N.htm
I hope you find these articles helpful, and that you'll also share them with your husband. You are each other's support system, no matter where you live, and I hope your recent trip and changes are the start of much better times for both of you.
December 3, 2009 - 6:32pmTake care,
Pat
This Comment
Thank you Pat. We are both reading the articles you recommended. We think that scaling down our presence where we live at the moment by half by moving to a smaller apartment and then getting a place in an area where culturally we feel "at home" as there are lots of English speaking expats and we are very familar with the local culture and speak the local language should help us feel more integrated within the local community. Also the new place is closer to the mountains where we are now, and we can drive there in 3.5 hrs by car so we can even go for long week ends to visit good firends.
December 4, 2009 - 6:18amThis Comment
Samurai,
I agree with Pat -- this is all wonderful news. One thing that makes me so happy is the presence of the word "we" throughout your post. "We" think this, and "we" are familiar with that, and "we can drive" etc. This tells me that indeed you are a couple that truly cares about one another and is going to work out this problem together.
Well done, Samurai. Well done.
December 7, 2009 - 9:50amThis Comment
Thank you Diane. But I must admit that I am a bit scared of going back home in a week. Seems like being there without supprotive friends and family puts us into these depressive moods and like the articles say, these depressive moods are contagious. I told about this to my husband and we are going to try to come back here as soon as we can. He even said today that he is feeling so much better, like a completely different person and that back home he was full of these irrational fears, scary dreams. We found a buyer for our property and found a much smaller place in the town where we live now and are busy working on getting a new place in the new area which is closer to this mountain place where we have lots of friends so we can easily drive here and also have friends come visit us. Also as I wrote before the new place where we are moving has a much warmer culture and we speak the local langague.
December 8, 2009 - 9:02amThis Comment
Samurai,
I understand your fears, Samurai, I have been in your position also. My husband and I have moved four times in the last four years, due to changes in the job and real estate markets. And I am the one that experiences depression when I am without our support systems of family and friends. It's a very real worry. And you are so thoughtful to be looking down the road to see how it feels for each of you.
You are right to know that you need to touch base with things and people that make you feel like you as often as you can. Especially in this time of transition. I am so glad you found a buyer for your property and are looking for a new home. Keep the momentum moving forward, even when there comes a day if either of you don't feel like it. And when that day comes? Go visit. Get back to you, again.
And small things help, too. When I am feeling down, I make my dad's spaghetti. It fills the house all day with a scent that makes me happy, and it's warm and filling for dinner. Perhaps there are a few things like that -- a favorite meal, a DVD of a movie you both loved back then -- that will help this interim time go by even faster.
Good luck to both of you. I love hearing about your journey.
December 8, 2009 - 10:32amThis Comment
Thank you Diane. I will come back to let you know how thing are developing.
December 9, 2009 - 10:11amThis Comment