I am writing to hopefully get some idea of what I am actually experiencing and if there is anything I am missing to salvage my marriage. I have been married for one year, we courted, no sexual intercourse, no fornication, just two Christians, ministry-driven, who wanted to be in a covenant marriage before God. What has happened from almost day one, is that I am constantly subject to the attacks of his verbal abuse. To the point where I feel that I am being intimated, bullied, controlled, he won't allow me to express my opinions, he has caused me so much pain from his mouth, that I have lost my faith in marriage, and my love for him. I have prayed to God that the situation would change, that the Lord would change his heart, but it is a work that is long in progress that I have lost belief that it will happen in time for me to not lose all spirit and soul.
He believes it is okay to constantly ask me what I am doing, why I am doing it, when I am doing it, who I am doing it with, what is the motive, too many non-typical questions almost an interrogating behavior if you will. I feel that when I am being verbally interrogated and bullied, I become defensive. For a Christian man to let things come out of his mouth that are not edifying at all, regardless of our faults, is just beyond me. I can first start off with the issue of wet cat food. He had a fit when I started to feed my cat wet food, an absolute fit. He doesn't trust that when I call about something I need information on, that I have gotten the correct information. I have been spoken to with 'f---- you,' grabbed by the arms because he was trying to get my attention, yelled at for putting other coins besides quarters in a jar, yelled at for not cooking him his meals on time, and when I do cook then, he isn't home to eat. He has pulled me out of fantastic fellowship and ministry opportunities with people I love. I have requested a very specific type of ministry qualification, and he squashed that stating that it has to be voted on by several of his 'wise counsel.' By, when the Lord leads you into something, he wants you to do it to your fullest potential, and to enjoy it. I got in trouble this a.m. for getting out of bed at 5:30 in the morning and woke him up. I can't even walk through my house when I want without being bullied. He doesn't want me touching his stuff when I am cleaning. But, his stuff has sat, and sat and sat for months and he won't do anything with it. If I touch something, I am in fear of being put down and verbally assassinated. He has gotten into arguments with my spiritual leadership, yelling and screaming at them, he starting immediately taking large amounts of money out of the bank, and so I had to get myself another account to protect my money. He paid a huge bill off without me knowing about it. He went and opened up his own account after 'the Lord told him to take the money and open a new bank account, deceiving me.' He knew that I opened another bank account. He won't help me fix my car, saying that it's my issue. He makes fun of me constantly about my anti-depressant medication, and it got so bad, that I actually tried to overdose. I felt worthless. I feel the power of God working in my life, but this is not a fruit of the spirit. This is not long-suffering. I don't see any fruits of the spirit in him. He hears from the Lord about very bizarre stuff, and I know that hearing from the Lord should be what is edifying, encouraging, righteous, loving, truthful, honest.... I got in trouble for walking into another department in a store when he went to use the restroom. I got in trouble for saying I was thirsty after we had left an establishment. I couldn't go to the bathroom the other day because he said I needed to leave with him. He wouldn't even give me 5 minutes to do my business. I'm so tired of his verbal abuse, that I don't think I can take it any more. It's every single day. These items are the ones that have hit me at the top of my head, however, every single day it is something he is unsatisfied with. I feel controlled, manipulated, interrogated, bullied, and intimidated. I know that divorce is not really an option in Christian marriage and covenant with God, but I feel that my soul and spirit are now beginning to suffer so badly that I almost cannot stand and say nothing anymore. Normally, I would tune this stuff out, because I don't want my spirit getting out of line, but I am starting to feel defensive, accosted. I can't help but think that I need to leave this marriage, it isn't going to get better. Never. I pray that someone will come forward and be a good resource for me. I'm so emotionally tattered that I'm just at the point where I have one foot out the door. He is constantly badgering me. Constantly. Best....
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I can relate to some of these situations. But sometimes I'm not sure if I can leave. We have two kids who adore my husband. He has only physically hurt me 3 times in 12 years, usually by grabbing me very forcefully. I have had bruises. It only occurs if I disagree with him and argue, which I feel scared to do increasingly through the years. I feel sad reading this now because I sound like I'm in denial. But we have families that probably wouldn't believe me. And he would definitely try to take our kids. I just didn't think that I'd be this miserable at this point in my life. It's not like it's everyday and he does try to be kind and loving. Actually, he makes me feel very cold at times because I'm not always ready to respond to him. The worst confrontation occurred recently in front of my 5 year old son. He was being difficult about getting dressed, and my husband started vigorously criticizing me for making him soft. I had had enough of it, so I defended myself. He said to stop pointing at him. But I didn't. So he grabbed my arm and twisted it. I'm so sad that my son saw it. But I slapped his hand away. We never talked about it or acknowledged it. But he tried to be intimate the other day and when told him that I was still mad, he got angry. We still haven't talked about it. This can't be normal!!!! Anybody feel this? By the way, we both have families that adamantly oppose divorce. It would be an explosion around us if I left. Any advice?
March 30, 2016 - 8:07pmThis Comment
Hello Anonymous,
It took courage to stand up to your husband. You deserve respect and love, which you are not getting from your husband.
I understand that both extended families adamantly oppose divorce. But, how do they feel, if they know, about the abuse you are enduring.
The final decision is yours. How long can you stay in this relationship? How long before he abuses your children? Is it healthy for them to witness this abuse?
We are here to listen and offer support. Do you have a trusted friend or religious leader who can offer any guidance?
Regards,
March 31, 2016 - 9:08amMaryann
This Comment
Hi. I hope it's ok that I post this here. I'm not sure if I am being emotionally abused but these are some of the things that I have experienced for over 20 years:
- My husband raises his voice to me often. He is easily "provoked" and will shout, even scream at me in front of others. His irritation is voiced through clenched teeth, with balled fists and a red face and glaring eyes. He tends not to do it in front of close friends, family or at church but has done it in public (shops/restaurants) and I know that our neighbours hear him regularly.
- He manages to turn almost every disagreement into one where he will take the tack that, "Yes... it's all about me. It's all my fault. You're so perfect..." (I only wish I were...)
- Although he has never struck me, he has manhandled me in the past, gets right up in my face and has smashed things in our house in his anger. I am often afraid that he might strike out at me. He did once hit a wall and break his hand because he was angry that I wouldn't come to bed when he went. I was 7 months pregnant and my sleeping patterns were all over the place. It was 9pm and I knew I couldn't sleep then so I wanted to sit and read in the lounge. He was angry that the light was shining along the passage and coming in through the fanlight above the door which he had closed. That was 20 years ago and I'm still in shock.
- He has an issue with secular or non-gospel music and disapproves of me listening to it or singing it. However, he reads non-Christian literature and watches secular movies/progammes. He justifies it by saying that God spoke to him about what music he should listen to, and that books and movies are not the same thing.
- He resisted getting a smartphone for years, but now that he has one, he's never off it. He has his books loaded on it and when he receives a text message, no matter the circumstances, meal time, an outing together, regardless of when I'm trying to speak to him, he will check his message and respond straight away. When I challenge him on it he becomes annoyed with me.
- Our salaries go into a joint account on which I have signing power, but he won't let me have my own credit card. I am a squirrel when it comes to money, so it's not that there's a danger of me blowing our funds. I feel that I have no say in how our money is spent. I have insisted on keeping my personal investments separate but we are married in COP.
- He will say things like, "If you don't like who or what I am, perhaps you should divorce me and find someone you don't feel the need to change". "Maybe I should just leave". "If you want me out of your life, just say the word". I have NEVER spoken about leaving him or divorcing him - I feel it is manipulative. I have, once, climbed in the car and gone for a drive to a friend to just get away from him.
- I resort to biting remarks in self-defence which he then calls me out on. I just feel that I am powerless otherwise.
I subscribe to the biblical principle of being a submissive wife, but his leadership style is off-putting and I don't know what to do anymore. I managed to persuade him to attend marriage counselling with me although his opinion has always been, "If YOU think YOU need counselling then you should go." He isn't liking what the counsellor is tackling in him at the moment, which is his anger. We haven't discussed his behaviour towards me and our daughter yet, except in very broad terms. It's still early on in our counselling.
I have stuck with him for 23 years. I have suffered lack and made material and relational sacrifices. My family was against our marriage. I have cut several friends out of my life of whom he disapproved. I supported him fully when he decided to go into full time ministry before we married and I counted the cost willingly and gladly. We have suffered lack and battled financially all our lives. I have gone without many things but I accepted it as the price of being in the ministry. He is no longer in full time ministry but still preaches in our church and teaches our bible school and lectures our young people' s group. He was retrenched from his job as a private school IT Manager in December last year and was unemployed for 5 months. It was stressful for him understandably. He is now working in a new job, new industry, new challenges. He is certainly not lazy and does help me at home with many things which I appreciate hugely. What I cannot relate to is the need to be right all the time and dictate how so many little arbitrary things must be (bottles placed in a certain way etc.) However, his bits and pieces are spread across my dining room table, all over his study in disarray and dust. When I ask him to move something or keep things tidy in the house, he accuses me of trying to "pack him away"! I don't think I'm being unreasonable in wanting a tidy house. He is overweight and although I've suggested a few ways he might change his lifestyle that would help (cutting out sugary soda drinks, eating, bread, junk food etc), he pooh-poohs my suggestions saying we can't afford fancy diets. I think my overriding feeling is that of disappointment.
November 24, 2015 - 5:56amI have battled with depression and ill health for as long as we have been married and I am pretty sure it is partly due to the stress I've been under and although I'm no longer on depression medication and I'm feeling stronger and actually standing up for myself, my husband has actually remarked that "Your mood was more stable on the meds". In other words, I didn't fight back or challenge anything. He can't handle the new me.
We have a beautiful, bright 20 yr old daughter who is going to leave home soon and I'm going to be left with this man who won't man up and acknowledge that he has a role to play in the state of our marriage.
I've just read this comment and I realise that I've been venting heavily. I apologise. I'm just at my wits' end.
This Comment
I've been through a physically and etc abusive relationship and right now in a working separation with my husband who is emotionally abusive. In my recovery of my spirit, my healing I have had to detach from him and try to reattach to my own heart. Whatever you do, do what you want to feel beautiful do what you love and know you are the child of God and what he thinks doesn't matter. If he can get used to the freed you, he gets the honor of you but if not, good riddance
December 14, 2015 - 6:22pmThis Comment
read the book by david clarke..i don't love you any more..it's timefor tough love. get your self-esteem up! your husband is sinning against God.
January 27, 2015 - 7:52pmThis Comment
Let me say that he has not physically abused me, just grabbed me by the arms, but I consider that a pathway to the obvious. I am mentally torn down and I appreciate your response. But, I do know that sometimes, verbal abuse can be less obvious to others, but on the inside, it feels like emotional rape. I'm afraid, very afraid, just mostly spiritually and for my soul. I have ministry gifts that I am using and don't want anything to get in the way of the spirit that I bring to them. But, I know that my salvation doesn't rest on the guise of an abusive husband.
August 22, 2014 - 8:36amThis Comment
Hello kirkatherine1943,
The Lord has heard your cry for help and has sent you here. I will do my best to guide you in the right direction. I consider myself to be a spiritual human being and lift up my troubles to God. When we do so and listen, we receive an answer.
Your husband is an abusive man, both verbally and physically.It is blasphemy when he says the Lord tells him to do such things.
Kirkatherine1943, you must get out of the house and away from your husband. Pack all your belongings and leave. Go to a safe place, such as your parent's home or that of a close friend or relative. If you stay any longer, he could seriously harm you.
I understand that as a strong believer divorce is not an option for you. I disagree and suggest an annulment. Speak to your spiritual leader. This marriage is not a marriage in the eyes of God. You are a victim of a evil abusive man, who needs help himself.
Consider a restraining order if your husband threatens you.
As scary as leaving may sound, pray to find the strength to do so. God does not want any of His children to suffer.
Please reach out to us at any time. I will pray for you.
Maryann
August 22, 2014 - 8:15amThis Comment