The holidays typically bring us together with family and friends that we don’t see on a regular basis. Now that the holidays are over, you may be sitting there re-hashing interactions you had with some of your older loved ones. Maybe they had a bruise on their forehead from a fall, or they forgot the cranberry sauce even after you reminded them.
You might worry that these observations are something to be concerned about. In fact, they may very well be warning signs of difficulties that your loved one is facing.
However, seeing them for just a few hours once every few months is not enough time to make sound judgments. So before you proceed with circling the wagons, pull back on the reins.
Unless you are in their life on a regular basis, you really have no right jumping to conclusions and taking an offensive position. You do, however, have a right to show them respect, love, and concern.
But being concerned needs to be handled properly or you risk embarrassing them or upsetting them to the point that they will not listen or open up to you. Remember that pride and egos are involved.
Start by interacting with them more often. Listen to what they have to say. Hear what fears they have or what makes them happy. Once you have established a closer connection, share your concerns, but don’t attack. It may take several conversations before a breakthrough occurs.
Sometimes using other people as examples is a good way to break the ice. This gives each of you someone else to assess together. This often makes it easier to make the conversation personal.
No matter what you do, it always starts with being a friend who listens but does not judge. If you are truly concerned, you must make an effort to engage with them more frequently. Then you can truly make a difference in their life.
Have you found yourself in this situation? How did you handle it? Please share you experience or question in the comments.
About the Author: Mike Good is founder of Together In This, http://togetherinthis.com/, an online resource helping family members caring for someone with Alzheimer’s. Through short, informative articles and easy-to-use tools, such as the Introductory Guide to Alzheimer’s, http://togetherinthis.com/introguide1/, he helps you take control and have peace-of-mind you are doing the right things.
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Add a Comment2 Comments
Dear Mike,
Thank you for sharing your article with the EmpowHER community!
This article could not have come at a better time, especially for me! I had this experience this holiday with a close family member. I noticed a significant decline in the health of someone close to me and I got worried. My fear sparked some emotions that I don't know how to handle.
She has gained a large amount of weight and can't get around very easily. I got frustrated watching her go back for seconds and even thirds of mashed potatoes, butter and gravy.
It's hard to sit back and watch someone do this to themselves and I even asked my husband how I should approach her with my concerns and fears. I am fearful that she will have a stroke or heart attack.
I really like how you said we should not judge (hence not judge her choice of foods) and listen. I also like how you said not to "attack" them.
Your suggestions remind me to be kind and gentle and take a more active role in her life. You're right, it will probably take some time and a few different conversations. I do know, that I don't want to just ignore the concern.
Thank you for your SHARE!
Best,
Kristin
January 5, 2015 - 1:09pmThis Comment
You are right Kristin that we don't want to ignore our concerns but we have to be strategic in our approach. Weight gain is one of the most sensitive subjects in my opinion. If possible, maybe start by helping get her out of the house (even if it's just the backyard) or working to get more people to visit her. Visits can include playing games or simply talking; things that reduce boredom because boredom leads to poor decisions. She needs to want to change for herself and seeing that people care may help. Best wishes, Mike
January 5, 2015 - 2:20pmThis Comment