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My husband and I have been married for 6 yrs. When we were just dating I use to find pages of women stashed all over the house and even a dvd taken out of the case and screwd to the top of a closet. We have a good sex life, but he gets all wierd when I mention watching porn. He is the only man I have been with so he says it's that he doesn't want me looking at another man. He gets very upset when I ask what the big deal is about watching a man and woman together, he quickly switches the conversation and accuses me of wanting another man. Just recently we have watched a lesbian porn together. He's not very open at all about sex and he won't talk about sex in front of people. I'm afraid he may be Bi because he is very homophobic about guys. It's like he gets angry and disgusted by even talking about it. i don't know what to think esp. since last week he asked me to finger him and he likes a vibrator barely in him. Any advice would be great help. I'm confused and worried about what to do.
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Anon,
Welcome to EmpowHER, and thank you so much for writing.
There's no way that from your post and our guesswork that we could figure this out for certain. Many times, a woman's intuition -- which you get partially from your gut and partially from your real everyday life -- is telling her that something is up and she's not sure whether to trust it. You're certainly not alone in that.
How was your husband raised about sex? Was it something discussed openly or was it something to be hidden? Was he raised in a very religious household? Is he very private about other things, such as his feelings?
I think there is a definite line between being somewhat homophobic and actually being bi or gay. He doesn't want you to get turned on by watching another man -- that's a long way from wanting to be with another man himself. Is it possible? Sure. Is it likely? Even he may not know.
Are you two regularly adventurous in your sex lives? If so, the fact that he asked you to finger him or use the vibrator may just be a part of a healthy fantasy life. (And having fantasies about something does not necessarily mean a person wants to do that in real life.) But if this was a rare thing, him asking you to explore this new area, then you may have slight reason for concern. Can you ask him, at some private time, what he's fantasizing about when you're doing this? Is that at all possible?
Is your husband controlling about what you wear or who you see? Is it OK for you to have male friends?
February 5, 2010 - 8:31amThis Comment