My boyfriend doesnt want to have sex with me anymore...

Hi, Loveydovey,

Welcome to EmpowHER, and thanks so much for writing.

I get the idea from your post that you are very unsure as to what happened in between the time when having sex was fine and the time when your boyfriend said he didn't want to do it any more. Is that right? All you mention is that he got a new job, and then that you were talking one night. Do you think the new job has anything to do with this? Might he have confided in someone at work about your past and gotten a negative reaction, for instance?

How old are you, Loveydovey? And how old is your boyfriend?

Is this your first consentual sexual relationship?

Have you ever seen a therapist about the sexual abuse you endured as a child?

That sort of abuse as a child affects us for years and years, Lovey, even in ways we aren't aware of. We act differently around men, we have lower self-esteem, and often we have less confidence in the decisions we make in our lives. It's also common to blame yourself for things that are simply not your fault.

Because he said no more sex, you can't stop thinking about it. And because you keep bringing it up, he keeps being more and more emphatic about it. But he's never told you why, right? This is not a healthy situation, Lovey. If he were more mature, he would be able to talk about why he has changed and be sensitive to why this is important to you. Instead, he makes you feel worse for loving the intimacy you two had.

And your response is that you should try to be sweeter and happier? As if it is your fault? And to still want to marry someone who has told you he never wants to be intimate with you except to get pregnant?

Please, Lovey, consider getting some counseling here -- just for yourself. Back off on the sex talk for now, because it isn't getting you anywhere. Tell yourself that for at least a month (yes, a month) you will focus on doing good things for yourself. Find a counselor, and make a first appointment with her or him. Take bubble baths. Go out with your girlfriends. Spend time with your boyfriend, but don't bring up sex. If he brings it up, tell him you need to know the reason why he changed this way. Don't cry or make it your fault -- just be mature and ask for the information.

Somewhere in here there's a missing piece of information, and nothing will get better unless he's honest about it with you. Unfortunately, it takes two people to fix a problem -- not just one. And life is too long to spend it with someone who puts limitations on it without explanation.