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I'm not sure if this is the correct place to post this, so please go easy on me if it's not.
I've been with my boyfriend for two years now and we recently moved in together. Everything is absolutely wonderful with the exception of one thing - he is obsessed with looking up nude girls and porn online.
Now let me explain - I've known from the get go that he is very sexual and has a magazine stash and looks up porn quite a bit. That's not what bothers me. The problem is that he will pickup his iPad when we are sitting down and watching a movie, turn it away from me and look up naked women. And lots of them. It's blatantly obvious but I never say anything. But the worst thing is, when he's done, he'll put it down and try to initiate sex immediately with me. I don't want to be touched or have any type of sexual contract because I feel so disrespected and I feel like he needs other women to turn him on before we have sex. Sometimes I also feel like I'm just the live in toy that's there for him to have sex with since he can't with the girls in the photos.
For example - the other night we were watching a movie. I had to keep getting up to let the dog in and out, get some drinks, etc. every time I would walk out of the room he would pic up his iPad, look at photos and turn off the screen when I would come back. Then we went upstairs and tried to initiate sex. I ended up saying no and calmly brought up what I knew was going on and how it made me feel. He seemed bothered that he hurt me and aplogized. It stopped for a few weeks but recently it started again.
I'm not sure how to deal with it from here. This is an everyday thing and I get very hurt by it. One night we were getting hot and heavy, he told me to go wait for him upstairs and when I was walking upstairs I saw him sit down with his iPad. It makes me feel like I'm not enough. The part that I don't understand is that we have a very active sex life (everyday for the most part, if not more). And we're very sexual in general not counting just the act.
Am I overreacting? It's hard to ignore what is going on. I have no problem with him looking at porn/naked girls when I'm not home (everyone gets in the mood) and I'd even feel better if he did it in the open instead of trying to hide it, but when he's doing it right next to me and hiding it, it just really breaks me down mentally. I have no plans on leaving someone over this, but I guess I'm looking for ways to deal with it/address it.
Thanks!
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Thanks Pam. We hve had just the one talk. He knows that I don't care what he looks up when I am not home and he knows what it is that's botbothering me. The only thing that I don't know is why he does it. When we talked he simply said that he doesn't look at these things because he needs them to get in the mood for sex. Other than that, I don't know why he needs to do it.
The only problem is on my side - that it bothers me. We've never gotten into a fight about this and when we talked it was a nice, calm conversation and he was apologetic. I do think think this is ruining out relationship but it definitely does not make me feel good and kills any sexual desires I have when it happens.
November 7, 2014 - 8:15amThis Comment
Hi Anonymous and thanks for sharing your most with the EmpowHER community. I'm sorry to read about the problems you are facing in your relationship.
You have stated several things that you find okay as well as several things that you do not find appropriate. What you haven't said is whether you have ever had a heart to heart talk about the same things with your boyfriend.
To understand why he behaves the way he does, you will need to talk to him. Only your boyfriend can tell you the truth, and only you can make him aware of how his behaviors make you feel. Anything else is a kind of guessing game on our part as we do not know your relationship, we do not know your boyfriend and we don’t know what he has to say about things.
Tell your boyfriend the truth and avoid playing head games. Tell him you love him and want to work with him to make things better. Be kind and gentle but also be firm. Your boyfriend needs to accept that his behavior is not in line with your personal values and that it's putting the relationship at risk. If he can't accept that then it may not be worth investing more time and energy into the relationship.
You cannot compete with a fantasy (if that's what's going on with him) and you should not have to. If he refuses to give up porn and it is negatively affecting your relationship, then you need to leave the relationship.
It’s time to have an adult conversation and speak up for your needs. Any relationship can be saved if both parties are willing to be honest and are willing to work through their problems. Therapy may be helpful to you and your boyfriend as well. If you do nothing then the relationship will stay as it is or get worse.
You can't “fix” or change a person that does not want to be changed. Please keep us posted and make sure your own happiness is also a priority.
Best,
Pam
November 6, 2014 - 5:20pmThis Comment