My husband is very disabled, incontinent, and has stage 3 diabetic kidney disease. He was recently hospitalized with a very bad case of MRSA from a rehab place following hip surgery (that went very well). I was a fantastic advocate during this time, doing research, asking doctors and nurses questions, and even performing duties at home like IV push antibiotics and wound dressing. He has been home well over a month now, and I have been doing lots of research for his diet and taking excellent care of him. But recently he yelled at me SO loudly, and he is also letting out these sighs of exasperation, a sigh that says "you're a pain the ass". This has brought me way down. I feel like crap, especially after trying so hard. I thought maybe he needed more space, so I stopped being a "nag" (doubt I was one) and gave him lots of time to himself while still meeting his needs. I even gave him control of the finances, figuring he will feel more confident if he did. What I want to know is, is this the start of emotional abuse?
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It's been well over a year now, and there is no doubt that I am a battered woman. My husband has gotten worse over these past several months and so have his comments. I have been looking to get out of this situation but it seems like, after researching, I would wind up homeless. (I have two teenagers that I would probably have to send back to their father who was abusive in the past. I could not let them live in the temporary conditions that are provided here. But I can't let them go back to their father yet as he only began therapy a few months ago and the children still don't trust him.) So, I thought to myself, why should I leave? This is a nice apartment in a great area. We are just squeezing by, but it would be worse if I were on my own. I am looking into SS Disability benefits again. Maybe me and the kids could move out if I had that income.
November 24, 2018 - 10:18amThis Comment
Hello again, hamnpook!
I'm sorry there has not been much improvement with your husband. I understand your fear of being homeless if you left. If the abuse becomes physical, there is sometimes no choice but to make a break. So keep this in mind. I hope it will not come to that for you and you can move on when you feel ready and stable, financially, to do so. Definitely look into disability, explain your situation. It's good to know your options.
Thank you for updating us.
best,
Helena
November 24, 2018 - 1:16pmThis Comment
Dear Hamnpook,
Thank you for reaching out to us.
My mother went through something somewhat similar with my late father. He was very ill and she, like you, was doing her best to take care of everything. But in doing so, we found he was feeling helpless, angry, and depressed, all normal feelings when one is very ill and no longer able care for themselves as before. So while yes, the ill person should be grateful for all that is being done on their behalf, keep in mind it can also make them feel... useless and no longer in control of their life. That said, there is no excuse for abuse of any kind. Luckily, that was not our situation. I think you will know if that line is crossed. I used to tell my mother, put yourself in his situation. See the other side. Don't do everything, give back some control, if and when possible. And it did help some. Every situation is different, of course.
I wish you both well.
Helena
July 23, 2017 - 1:56pmThis Comment
Thank you, Helena. The first thing I did was to give him tons of space. (He had a lot to begin with.) Then I thought to myself that he probably feels like he has no control - over his body and me doing everything for him. So, I gave him control over all household/financial decisions while still doing the chores he can't do. We are barely talking. I don't want to get yelled at, or get that huge sigh, so the less I talk - the less likely I am to get those responses. I have always done SO MUCH for everyone in my life, and I hate that all I get in return is ungratefulness.
July 25, 2017 - 11:03amThis Comment
Hi again!
Yes, agree. No one wants to be yelled at and no one wants to feel unappreciated. It's good you have given him space. It seems like you are doing all you can to keep the peace. Maybe one day, when you think his mood allows, you will be able to talk. I hope so.
Helena
July 25, 2017 - 3:24pmThis Comment