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We've been dating for over a yer now but in the last few months our sex has drastically decreased at first started to go down from at least 1-2 times a day for at least 5 months and then it went down to 1-2 times a week and then to 1-2 times a month and now it's been a month and a half since we've had sex. I've read a few articles about this allready, but none seem to fit my problem exactly. I was worried for a while that it might be me that was the problem and but he told me it wasn't and i know he wouldn't lie to me. I've asked him about it but he says theres nothing wrong. I just don't know what to do anymore. He's only a year older than me and he's suppose to be in hes prime. Is there anything I can do? I Haven't pressured him or anything because I dont want him to do it just to shut me up. I want him to want to. and I'm just not satistied anymore and im not asking for everyday, at this point once or twice a week would be nice. A far as I know there's nothing he's stressed about at work or school, could it be a cobination of the 2? or something else going on that I don't know about? and please keep in mind that im am searching for help and advice and I don't want to hear find a new boyfriend. I love him and im not leaving him, even if it means were not going to have sex anymore. But it's frustration for the time being as I find it a tad odd that I want it more than he does. and I don't really want to talk to any of my friends abotu it because I live in a small town and this is personal and I don't need everyone talking about it. and the last thing I want him to feel is embarassed. I havn't told anyone of my friends but I'm in need of some advice. Any Ideas?
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Add a Comment1230 Comments
Hi Sylwka,
Give it sometime, but if it was me I would stop doing the oral thing.
December 8, 2009 - 12:45pmThis Comment
Hi Sylwka,
Well, I am certainly not a gentleman but I would assume that maybe he just didn't feel well which you shouldn't take personally. I think that if after he feels well and there are still rejections, you should question his anti-sex mode. Everyone feels un-sex-worthy sometimes and when we are ill, it certainly may be the last thing on our minds. Cheer up, I think it may just be simple sickness and he will come back around.
December 5, 2009 - 9:47amThis Comment
Just recently I moved in with my bf. We got pretty sick over a week ago. For first 3 days he didn't stop me from giving him oral sex, and I didn't want to have intercourse. Just few days ago I was trying to have sex with him... and I got rejected for the first time in my life. His reason was: "I am sick". So i gave him few days. Then, he got perfectly fine and still was saying he can't taste or smell, have runny nose and don't feel like having sex. It really hurt me because I felt bad. How come oral sex didn't bother him while being sick? We are dating 1,5 years. We used to have sex when we were sick before. Can any guy here answer my question? Is it really turn off for u guys when u r sick?
December 4, 2009 - 8:15pmThis Comment
Maybe all of you who replied on this post should stop Man Bashing. It is not your "man's" Responsibility to see to your needs. It is yours. Also do not think that men are evil Just because of a few bad relationships. I have had plenty of women who have taken advantage of my love and trust. Heck My wife does even to this day, But even still that does not make me believe that all women are evil. If you keep believing these negative thoughts that you ephasize with blogs and threads. Then you will forever be an unhappy person. Other then that I hope all of you find a decent man and a good relationship.
December 3, 2009 - 12:38pmThis Comment
THIS IS THE REAL REASON YOUR B/F DOESN'T WANT SEX.
Forget about men being evil. Every material activity gives us temporary happiness up until the time where the taste becomes bland and we don't even get any pleasure out of it at all. Sex is only for reproduction for a human being. If humans were supposed to have sex all the time they would be able to go at it like the birds and rabbits.
But they can't why? Our true happiness lies in awaking our love for God. It may sound mumbo jumbo but unfortunately it applies to everyone whether they know it or not. Spiritual activities give us eternal happiness and material activities give us temporary happiness. Which is why once we own a car or mobile phone it doesn't seem of value anymore. Think about it. Real happiness comes from within but when people do not know that they just rearrange the externalities around them. Let's put on some different make up, let's purchase that new game, let's grow my hair and maybe I'll become attractive, let's work out in the gym.
December 3, 2009 - 4:08amSo the more you try to rearrange the variety around you, the more time you actually lose - or give up - your happiness.
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I am experiencing the same problem. I feel there are 2 things going on with me - and perhaps with you too - 1/ We are the BEST of friends, we can talk about anything, we live in each others pockets and I feel we are just too comfortable with each other - the 'sexiness' has gone. There is a reason why sex with strangers (when you first meet) is exciting - there is so much mystery. There is also a reason why sex with an ex - or after a big fight - is exciting as you suddenly aren't taking the other person for granted. The problem is - I have no clue how to get the 'mystery' back at this point.
December 1, 2009 - 3:48amAnd number 2 - he is very insecure and shy and i feel as though he worries about his own performance so much he cant enjoy it.
It's making me miserable. I feel like a completely unsexy useless old woman. Don't listen to any comments about cheating or being gay - you have to assess YOUR situation - and every situation is unique.
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my boy friend dont want to have sex with me either... Im actually really hurt he told me last night I dont turn him on... Im not ugly but that made me feel so ugly I cant even look in the mirror with out wanting to cry, my heart gets broken almost every day with him yet I stay because I feel like no one else would want me and my heart is stuck on him... I really wish I had the balls to tell him he makes me feel like shit. I just want him to look at me like he does those trashy hoes on the porn he watches. what should I do?? how do I make someone want me if he says I dont turn him on?
November 24, 2009 - 7:29pmThis Comment
Anon,
Thank you so much for writing. I'm really glad you did.
Here's something I want you to know: You do NOT want your boyfriend looking at you like he looks at women in porn. Those women are not real women to him, they are simply sexual objects he is fantaszing about. They don't have thoughts, feelings or needs. They exist for his pleasure alone. And once he's finished with them, he's finished, and on to the next piece of porn. See what I mean? You do not want to be one of those women.
And Anon, the fact that he watches porn and prefers it to you tells me what the problem is. And it's not that you're ugly. You may not be as model-perfect as the women in the porn he watches. He said you don't "turn him on." What that means to me is that what makes him sexually interested now is porn, not a real woman.
Anon, it breaks my heart to tell you this, but you CAN'T make someone want you if he says you don't turn him on. The problem is with him, not you. All you will do if you try to change him is end up feeling used and worse than you do now.
Anon, can you find a counselor? A therapist? For just a few sessions? I want you to try, and when you find one, I want you to make an appointment. And when you go, I want you to say to the therapist the exact thing you wrote here: "My heart gets broken almost every day with him yet I stay because I feel no one else would want me." That's not right thinking, Anon. It is all about self-esteem, and the longer you stay with him like this, the worse you will feel about yourself.
Do you live with your boyfriend, Anon? If so, do you have a good friend or some family you could stay with for a while if you chose to try to leave?
There are better things out there for you, Anon. There is a man who will see you as an equal partner, not as someone who is inferior to a porn actress. I want you to give yourself a chance to find that person.
November 27, 2009 - 8:18amThis Comment
okay, I have a slightly different situation. The guy I have been dating began begging for sex about a month or so into our serious dating relationship, after 2 months I finally had sex with him. We have since then only had sex 3 times and that was over a month ago. Why would he beg so much then finally have sex with me then just stop wanting it all together? I am not sure if this could be the only reason but he is very nervous about having sex, has even told me so when we were in the middle of having sex. Another thing is that those times that we actually did have sex, he either finished within seconds, and I mean seconds; or we just had to stop because he lost his ejaculation. He is in his late twenties and I am not sure what to do to help him. Any advice would be great, thanks.
November 23, 2009 - 9:20pmThis Comment
Nicki, I think it really must be nerves on his part. When my boyfriend (who is also in his late 20s) and I first began to date, we had a similar problem--he finished fast or lost his erection. He was also rather eager to sleep together (though also a little hesitant at the same time, which was strange, but we had not been seeing each other very long) but admitted to being nervous. Maybe this sounds bad of me, but I was actually rather worried that this was just how it would always go, and wasn't sure what I'd end up doing about it; things hadn't gotten extremely serious yet. But it just took some time together, to get used to it all; within time I was in a comfortable and meaningful relationship and also having some of the best sex of my life. But at the beginning I had to think of it as just a way of being together, and try not to put any pressure on him (be careful though, this could backfire because then he could always think you don't care how enjoyable it is for you!). Assuming that it is just nerves, and not some more deeply rooted issue within him, I think you just need to push through this part. This probably means you'll have to talk about it, unless you can just seduce him and let him know that way. But if he is important to you, let him know that, and that there is no pressure; you just want to be with him (that actually worked wonders with me; just saying that woke everything up). I hope this helps!
November 25, 2009 - 8:49amThis Comment