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Why does my boyfriend watch porn instead of having sex with me?

By Anonymous June 24, 2010 - 6:40am
 
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We have been together almost a year now, when we first got together we couldnt keep our hands off each other and I still feel that way but since I got pregnant and we moved in together we barely ever have sex maybe once a week if im lucky and im pretty sure i only get it then because he knows i get sad easy i am 6 months pregnant! I found out he watches porn most mornings after I go to work and that really hurts me im carrying his child i want him to want me like i want him, not to want porn over me that makes me feel fat and ugly and useless and im not fat ugly or useless so why does porn interest him more than i do ? and i understand men are visualbut that doesnt seem to matter to him ill put on my skimpiest clothes and underwear but he barely notices i could be naked and he'd barely notice we go to bed and i present myself open and he doesnt notice he doesnt even show me the slighest bit of affection anymore in or outta the bedroom we pretty much dont even say i love you anymore and yet i crave to hear it and feel it and around the time the sex stopped so did basic communcation so i cant exactly talk to him about it he just walks away when i bring up any form of a problem really we only talk about him when it comes to casual conversation he ignores or changes the subject to his life when i bring up mine did i do something wrong i havent changed much in the past year except bein pregnant.....am i really just missing the point blank fact that he doesnt want me anymore? why wont he just say so why wont he hear what i have to say and why does he say he stillwants me around yet the only reason were still together is the child i carry cause we sure have nothing else in common anymore

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EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

Hello,
Thank you for sharing your article with me. I am in a similar situation right now where my boyfriend and I have been in a 6 month relationship and I have currently caught him masturbating in the mornings next to me while watching porn on his phone. This started happening within the 5th month of our relationship and after catching him, I asked him why hewas doing this. He apologized aand said he didnt want to have scheduled sex with me all the time and and that he wants to keep it freshand passionate. So then why masterbate? After masterbating, he will typically still come to me for sex, but after this talk with him, he apologized and said yes this is disrespectful. So the next morning he decided to walk into the bathroom for 30 min, thinking that I was asleep and he jacked off in there with his porn. He came back into the room all suspicious and hugged me and he pretended to go back to sleep. I started playing with him, but he said he was too tired. I dont understand what is going on. I feel like im a 3rd wheel, now only to satisfy his needs and not mine. He made the rule that he only wants to have sex when its spontaneous and not everyday. Obviously the porn has gotten in the way and there is no other excuse but that. Our relationship has trickled and im ready to leave. He is 24 and I am 36. Please give me some advice.
Thank you

January 21, 2015 - 8:23am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

My boyfriend and I have been together for 7 months. In the beginning we could never get enough of each other, we always had sex, even sexted while we were away! It wasn't until after I moved in about 3 months ago that it really slowed down. I wasn't sure why and I thought maybe he was just too tired, he was working too jobs. It wasn't until I tried using his phone to call mine because it was lost that the first thing that pulled up was porn. I opened his history and it was nothing but porn! I told my best friend about it because I was just so hurt. It made me feel useless and unwanted but she told me not to worry and that my boyfriend loves me. So I put it off but as time went on the sex became less and less. I always initiate it unless I hint at him that I would like it if he did. He watches porn every morning now when he wakes up he'll go in the bathroom and do it. I've even found by his history that he watches porn at work. I wouldn't mind that he watches porn sometimes if he gave me some attention too but he doesn't. He doesn't seem to want anything to do with me at times :( I already have horrible self esteem from my anxiety and depression but finding out that my boyfriend would rather watch these gorgeous sexy porn star models just rips my self esteem into little pieces... I just don't know what to do I feel so fat and ugly and useless like maybe hes not attracted to me anymore and that's why he won't touch me. Maybe our sex isn't pleasurable enough for him anymore. It honestly just hurts. I've tried talking to him about it and his excuse is he wants to shower before we do anything but he hardly ever showers before we have sex. I try to start things with him and dress up really sexy or even naked! But he'll just ignore me and shrug it off or kind of push me off him. Now I just ask him if we can have sex but he'll either ignore me, tell me later, or that he really just doesn't want to right now that he'd rather cuddle me which would be fine if I wasn't sooo sexually frustrated. I just don't know what to do, I love my boyfriend so much and I'm just so attracted to him it's hard not to want sex! He's very much eye candy lol leaving is not an option and I would never ever cheat on him. Please help, right now I'm kind of going on strike by making sure I'm never naked in front of him and im not going to initiate sex hoping he'll miss it. If anyone has any tips or examples that turned out good I'd love to hear. Some extra information, we are 3 years in age apart, no kids, and I'm on the depo birth control.

January 17, 2015 - 6:43pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

If you dont mind, id like to talk to you because you seem to have a good head on your shoulders. My and my boyfriend have been together for a year and a half and 2 weeks after our anniversary he cheated on me. So im conflicted with myself bc I hate and love him. So I decided in revenge I s to cheat with 4 different dudes. He doesn't know. We were fine for a while but I looked on his computer and his history has so much fkn porn on it. And its all teenagers. Were 13 years apart. Im 21 hes 33 going on 34. So im like wtf. And I tried to confront him, he didnt say anything. I tried yo break up with him because it just isn't working anymore. I have so much anxiety and I will never forget our past. But he is so insistent on staying together. He doesn't wanna lose me. So im lost.

January 17, 2015 - 10:22am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

I allways have to ask for love all the time he gets him self off and leaves it
For me to find and says he didn't do it when I know he did he shows me no love but a kiss I have to ask for everything else he has not job for the past 5 years I work full time and w have 3 kids 2 together am at a loss I shouldn't even has to keep asking or telling if he nows how I feel how in the world do I stop asking and try to move on with out pushing him away and to have him run to some one else
I need help

January 11, 2015 - 3:25pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

Do you have a email adress?

January 10, 2015 - 5:43am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

Ok my husband is a recovering alcoholic and we had sex all the time.now that hr is on different medicine we have I sex! But he watches porn on his phone while IM at work...I don't get it at all

January 9, 2015 - 3:20pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

Dear Anonymous,
Happy New Year! I've been in what I'd consider a healthy relationship for the past 2 years. My boyfriend and I connect on so many levels I truly feel lost without him. When we first started dating we were intimate within the first month of being together which was July and then by September which was the second time we were physical was the last time we had sex that's 16 months ago now. I never pressured him in the beginning I read all the blogs and such we live together we say our "I love you's" and mean them lot of stress on him his job is not the greatest we struggle financially as I make more than he does and am constantly picking up the slack I am supportive 90% of the time however I haven't cut my hair since may I haven't bought a new bra or pair of shoes since we started dating my work pants have holes in them I get weak because I can't afford to replace them always taking care of us. I know he hates this I don't coddle him I reassure him that what he brings to the table I couldn't make it without. Our bedroom issue I've tried to get him to be intimate he tells me he wants to he says it sincere he has this sad puppy dog look on his face that I feel like I'm doing something wrong if I touch him. I touch him all the time I am constantly showering him with affection he eats it right up but if I make the move towards his penis to play he curls up in a ball looks at me all pathetic and says "babe it won't work" the end I quit trying to touch him I can't stand the pain of him curling up in a ball like I've done something wrong. He's been to the doctor to discuss the issue of "it not working" or so he says... He was on Effexor this time last year, well more like late 2013 he decided to cold turkey come off it. I've never known someone to be so sensitive to medication he withdrew something horrible. He thought that was causing the impotent issues. It was apparent to both of us he needed to be on something he withdrew something horrible treated me pretty bad just very cold and distant completely shut down. I left for a week in July to go to Colorado with my family while I was a away he visited a doctor who put him on Prozac took awhile but seems to have really pulled him from his darkness. We moved to a new place that is "neutral" for the both of us it isn't his apartment that I moved into its our place we are renting together. We both love it here. He went to the doctor mid December which this time he was going to ask her for help more so than just the Prozac with his bedroom issue he came home all upset said he had to see the NP not the doctor she was rude to him refused to help him with his issue because his BP was high and told him to double his BP medicine and come back in two weeks. I was devastated but I didn't tell him I supported him and kept my selfishness of wanting to feel him on me and inside me to myself. Christmas came it's been rough we couldn't afford gifts for one another that really bothered him more than just words you could see it on his face he was truly hurt. He's started a new job a second job to help out with our finances he really loves this job it's exciting to see him feel so full filled with work finally! The job was presented through a contract company was to be a temp job every Saturday and Sunday afternoon which would have been blah but it would have been okay. After his initial phone interview they called him a few days later and wanted him to come to an open house to meet the team and to do a second interview. He wanted nothing to do with it he's so uncomfortable meeting new people it's a wonder we ever had a first date I eventually got him in a place to go he went and he had a blast he came home and just kept talking and talking saying "thank you baby for making me do this, I love you so much" see I know he loves me. They called him and offered him a job but it wasn't the job he interviewed for it was much more they wanted to hire him part time for now but it would be a couple evenings a week and one night on the weekends he loves the work and it's good money he decided to go for it. He had to work last night NYE which was okay I got off work early he was burning up pto time at his other job so I did get to spend time with him before he had to work. He looked so nice when he came down the stairs to go to work I was in awe we scraped up an extra 40 bucks and managed to buy him a new pair of jeans and a couple dress shirts at kohls just wanted him to feel like a million bucks walking in the door his first couple of nights. I don't get to talk to him when he's there they're not allowed to use their phones unless it's an emergency. He sent me a text around 8 last night and said "hey sweets rob said we are going to work until about 2:45 3 I love you I can't wait to come home and snuggle" as he left for work I teased him our last kiss of 2014 and the new year starts with our first kiss when you get home just to assure him I was good. I pretty much just stayed home money is tight I wanted to watch Netflix and such anyway built a fire I made French toast casserole for us to eat today (it's still in the fridge waiting to be put in the oven) I finished up laundry washed our sheets I was very content waiting for him to get home. All night long my phone was being blown up with Facebook notifications friends and family celebrating that my phone eventually died I went to plug it in and where I plug in his tablet was there. I picked it up because I like to play some of the games on his from time to time and I also like to see what he's looking at online it's usually car parts and man stuff always pretty harmless only once early on did he log back onto match.com and pof when we were having some serious issues early on. Serious issues in him being rude to me staring at walls coming off his Effexor. I happened to open up the pictures on this tablet and there was a video it was a porn some big boobed older Asian chick pleasing herself asking all the right questions "do you like it,want to put your dick between my boobs?" My heart instantly sank I could careless about him watching porn if he were intimate with me. I checked to see when this video was downloaded it was December 5, 2014 the day he was going shopping with his sister. So I left for work and he downloaded some porn then went shopping with his sister. I think I'm feeling every emotion quite possible right now. I find it hilarious he's watching this and that's only on tablet who knows what's on his phone he won't put that phone down for nothing it's always at his side. It's hilarious because If we watch a movie with love scenes and what not of its too much he acts offended. I seriously don't know what to do I don't know what to say I don't know how to feel. If it isn't bad enough I've felt pretty insecure lately I'm not a big boobed Asian woman I'm overweight we both are he went and signed up at the gym again I can't right now because I owe them money when I had to stop paying to take care of us. He has a new job. I feel like with this missing piece of our relationship what if he starts going to the gym losing weight has this new job won't need my income and just decides to leave. I told him I was feeling this way and I told him I wanted to go to the gym lose weight too but what if I couldn't keep up or it took me longer than him would he still love me. He just looks at me like I'm crazy and he said that he would love me forever just the way I am and that he needs me more than I will ever know. So do I just leave it at that instead of lying on the couch down here crying probably in the same spot he masterbated to big boobs Asian chick and just be okay with the fact that my boyfriend might not ever want me sexually but he will probably always love me? I miss his touch so much if he only knew... Happy New Year

January 1, 2015 - 7:53am
(reply to Anonymous)

Hello,

I have never used this kind of method, so I am sorry if my questions seem off. I just do not know what to do or who to turn to, as I feel whn you ask friends they give you a not so honest answer etc. I have the EXACT same situation as you. I also have an HBA in Psychology. However to myself I feel like that makes me analyze more etc.

I will start with my current boyfriend. We had the most amazing chemistry in highschool. We are now 31 (him) and 29 (me) We then dated a bit broke up, and met others for 8 years. I dated one person fr 8 years and it ended he did the same. We are now together, I am not just saying this when I tell you, you likely wont find a more in love couple. Everything he does is thoughtful and caring, I never ever worry or get angry at anything because you cant He honestly is perfect. He will stay in if im sad or homesick, he will surpirs me with gifts all the time. We have had a deep friendship before hand so it makes it easy to care so much for each other. We snuggle every single day on the couch on the bed everywhere. He will never let me watch a movie without wanting to snuggle. We live together for the past year, and did distance for a year before hand. Before we moved in the sex was OUT OF THIS WORLD 2 or three times a day, made videos would send each other videos when we were apart etc. The chemistry and passion was something I have never seen anyone have and thought I would never find it. We tell each other we love each other all the time, he snuggles every single night and gets upset if I dont etc. He pulls me in and will just explain how much he loves me. There has NEVER been a question or worry for us. We often share the same phone, so I know there is no one else without a question of a doubt. Our sex since first living together has DEFFIANTLY not been as passionate OR as frequent. We have talked about it and he explained he is so attracted blah blah and i never initiate blah blah. And that is deffiantly a fault of mine. We have it at least once a week, but taht is about it right now. Our lives are very busy and he does work crazy hours right now. I found him as I was home, doing work on my computer he went to the shower with his phone. I had a weird feeling and checked is phone to see what he was doing in there. Again I obviously checked it cuz i wondered if that was what he did in the washroom when he tool long showers. So no matter what I want to admit it has been on my mind if he did it or not. Well I found porn. I confronted him instantly. He actually denied it etc. I didnt want to dwell on the fact that he was watching it, more the fact that i was home and he didnt come to me first. I was crying and really hurt. So I let it be, dropped him at work and now writing you. I am a very fit and attractive girl. I am intelligent and just not needy, and usually so easy going. Let me just fill you in with my past bf and you will understand why this finding him with porn has me concerned. My ex boyfriend and I had dated and bought a house together we had literally stopped having sex the last 2-3 years of our reationship. I still to this day, wonder if it was me, if something somehow i did made me unattractive (and i dont know how else to not sound vain in this situation, I am a very attractive women, I have a great bubbly heart of gold personality im not vain, im that pretty girl u would think is stuck up but loves life and has a great heart and realizes looks arent everything in life) I work out 5 times a week and have played sports my whole life. I am fit so fit. Not that ANY of this shud matter, but as you see my conifdence has deffiantly gone down since all this. So thats my ex, we tarted being best friends and sleeping in seperate rooms etc. we then realized okay we arent passionately in love anymore and parted ways. SO my boyfriend now starting to maybe not be intereted in me and sex this is terrifying me, am I doing something wrong? What can I do with my current bf to spark things up? I also wear lingere a ton, I go to bed in a cute nighty almost every single night. He swears he is so i love and wnats me so much, he just doesnt have a huge sex drive anymore etc. BUT i mean that is just excuses also. Im so so so torn and so confused, I am crying as I write this, How can someone love each other sosoosos much but not want to have sex? If you have any form of help you would be a blessing!

December 31, 2014 - 2:16pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

I feel rejected by my bf too bcuz we are long distance only few hours drive apart though. yet we only see each other maybe once every two months if lucky, other then that he does fulltimes schooling but when we are together it feels like he doesnt want to have sex with me, we rarely do and Ive seen porn on his phone each time. I just feel like he need to feel how it feels to stop doing that, not even me getting over it cause i will never get over the fact he's turned on by other naked girls and not by me, i dont like boasting but im very attractive and hav a nice big butt, but seems the only way we can even have sex is if i completly try going for it if he hasnt alredy pushed me off. Do you think this is due 2 porn, i know he doesnt cheat, hes always at home then school and i text him like 24/7 when hes not in class. Is it bad i said to not watch porn unless im there with him? cause otherwise i dont see why be in a relationship when your not wanted, physically , sexually and all,MAINLY,cuz all guys are suposed to want that but he doesnt seem to.. ughh i just feel let down. ps we are both 21, im sure hes not over sex......

December 19, 2014 - 4:13am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

My significant other and I have been together for almost 2 years. He's 43 and I am 33. We recently got married. I am almost 9 months pregnant with his son. In the beginning we couldn't keep our hands off each other. He used to text and call me all the time through out the day now almost nothing. We used to cuddle every morning before he would go to work now nothing. Sex has dwindled to once maybe twice a week if I'm lucky. He always says he's tired and when we do have sex he almost always achieves orgasm first and then he's done leaving nothing for me. He lies about watching porn, it's on his phone and the laptop. I don't understand he would rather watch porn than have sex with me. It makes me feel fat, ugly, unattractive, and like he's lost all interest in me. To be honest it's very hurtful. I feel worthless.... I work a full time job, contribute equally to the finances, cook dinner nearly every night, do the laundry, etc. I know that I have put on a few pounds (20 lbs. to be exact) but that is only because I am carrying his child. I am 5'7" tall and normally weigh about 110 lbs. I don't get it.... Please help

December 10, 2014 - 11:07am
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