I'm so glad to hear the topic of sex being discussed, b/c I think the only way some women will ever feel comfortable about talking about sex is through writing.
And, in my marriage, I have found the opposite to be true regarding sex talks and sex drive: my husband (perceives) that he has a lower sex drive than I do, and what's worse: he won't talk about sex with me!
It's difficult for him, b/c he has a healthy sex drive, but all of the talk about MEN WANT SEX AND NOTHING ELSE makes him feel, well, inadequate. He feels like he's not in the norm if he "only" wants sex once/week, or every-other week. I also know, for a fact, that he masturbates (as is very healthy to do); but, he doesn't think that "counts" as far as his sex drive.
I am very happy with his sex drive, as I prefer not to have sex more than once/week; we have so many other fun things to do. Plus, we kiss/cuddle almost daily, which is the most fun part anyways. But, what matters is his perception (that's his "reality"): he perceives he has a low sex drive, so therefore, it's true for him.
The problem comes in, when he thinks he is inadequate, and then we can't talk about sex. It is very frustrating. Do other men freely talk about sex, and what the woman likes/dislikes? I have tried every-which way to talk with my husband about my likes/dislikes, but he sees it as criticism. (oh, and I've tried every angle to talk with him gently, kindly; I'm definitely not criticizing!). He feels like he should "know" what to do sexually with a woman. I've explained that women are different, and I'm telling him what I like/dislike. I've even just tried to tell him what I like (reframing the positive into a negative), but that didn't work. When we're in the act, it's like everything we successfully talked about is forgotten...and there is only one thing (or, dare I say, goal?!) that is on his mind. Please tell me I'm not the only one going through this!
Does anyone share this experience? That when women DO feel empowered to talk about their needs, the men are uncomfortable or feel criticized?
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I'm so glad to hear the topic of sex being discussed, b/c I think the only way some women will ever feel comfortable about talking about sex is through writing.
And, in my marriage, I have found the opposite to be true regarding sex talks and sex drive: my husband (perceives) that he has a lower sex drive than I do, and what's worse: he won't talk about sex with me!
It's difficult for him, b/c he has a healthy sex drive, but all of the talk about MEN WANT SEX AND NOTHING ELSE makes him feel, well, inadequate. He feels like he's not in the norm if he "only" wants sex once/week, or every-other week. I also know, for a fact, that he masturbates (as is very healthy to do); but, he doesn't think that "counts" as far as his sex drive.
I am very happy with his sex drive, as I prefer not to have sex more than once/week; we have so many other fun things to do. Plus, we kiss/cuddle almost daily, which is the most fun part anyways. But, what matters is his perception (that's his "reality"): he perceives he has a low sex drive, so therefore, it's true for him.
The problem comes in, when he thinks he is inadequate, and then we can't talk about sex. It is very frustrating. Do other men freely talk about sex, and what the woman likes/dislikes? I have tried every-which way to talk with my husband about my likes/dislikes, but he sees it as criticism. (oh, and I've tried every angle to talk with him gently, kindly; I'm definitely not criticizing!). He feels like he should "know" what to do sexually with a woman. I've explained that women are different, and I'm telling him what I like/dislike. I've even just tried to tell him what I like (reframing the positive into a negative), but that didn't work. When we're in the act, it's like everything we successfully talked about is forgotten...and there is only one thing (or, dare I say, goal?!) that is on his mind. Please tell me I'm not the only one going through this!
Does anyone share this experience? That when women DO feel empowered to talk about their needs, the men are uncomfortable or feel criticized?
March 22, 2008 - 12:20pmThis Comment
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