Hi Susan,
Since you know the entire background of my story, I had a question. I am considering and am almost at a brink of either getting a break from (which is somehow happening coincidentally as #2 lives in Michigan) or breaking (up) from him. However, because I am currently stationed at home working on my thesis without any contact from my professors etc, I am having anxiety from that as well in the background thus I am afraid that I am not rushing into anything.
We haven't seen each other in almost a month. The last two times I have flown to Michigan. One time I was there for 4 days and it was right. Second time around, his roommate had changed locks on him and he had moved to my apartment. For two weeks that I was there, he was always complaining about the 2 hour drive and whenever he would come home, he would be too tired. The last day he had a meltdown as his ex had called him telling me that my actions were reminding him of her and that he wanted no one in his life. Tired from the drama, I had said okay lets end it. I had cried and then when he came back to sleep in my room. He was telling me that he was scared, tired, and wanted to be alone. I told him that I refused to be screwed over again and told him he had a year to fix things otherwise I was calling it off. While I was packing, he had also really hurt me by saying that the worst thing is that I live here. The remark came across as being ungrateful and hurtful.
In the morning, he was kind and sweet again and apologized but the fact that my parents were coming, he freaked out and almost left our apartment. That time when he left, I was embarrassed as my parents had just arrived but minutes later, he called back and came and helped me to vacant the apartment.
Things were fine, then in the beginning he had made plans for the long weekend to come to Boston. However, his car plans had come through so he didn't come. So then I said to him that its okay, this weekend means a lot to me becuase I will be reuniting with my undergraduate friends and they have been dying to meet you. Knowing that its three weeks and that he will get good flight deals, I had made sure that he will know of this early. However, the next two weeks he avoided the issue complaining again that he will have only a day and that he will not get enough time (etc.) which I know for a fact is not true. He was now making last minute plans and complained to me last night that the flight now costed more than $500 (which was not a surprise to me but I had nothing to say to him). He called again in the night but I had nothing to say to him.
I was really disappointed and heartbroken. He is willing to fly me to MI but I don't think its fair and I don't want to be in isolation with him becasue from past experiences, I have learned that if he is separating me from my friends and family, he won't care for me enough. Its really sad because I have made a lot of difference in his life. He always realizes what he coulda/shoulda done after the main time passes away.
I don't harbor any animosity towards him. I understand that he is at a different stage of his life and I am at another. I am only 25, I want to explore the world, I want to be with a guy who keeps life simple, is a good balance of the selfish/selfless (the past two have been I think in the other extremes). I want someone who enjoys the zest of life but is not living in isolation and values what I value. Even if something doesn't mean as much to me but if it does to him, I have always adjusted with not just him but with almost every guy I have been with. But it seems that none of them possess the key to fight for me or make things work (maybe because I invest a lot into them, so much so that people like my ex- who didn't have anyone at one point of time had me too spend time with him but when push came to shove, he rejected me point-blank claiming commitment etc) when I loved him so much I strained my relationship with my mom for him.
In the past 25 years, I have invested a lot in my relationships and never received anything back. I am tired of it. My goal is to one day become a professor of Indian litrature and women's studies literature from India to unearth the marginalized voices from the country and show their ability to create change in the world. Its what I have worked for. I just am amazed that despite putting in so much effort (which I think is important in any relationship, why can't I receive that back?) The last time he came, he drove 13 hours to see me but freaked out because he saw that I was close to my family and had to respect their wishes as well. I think thats what is turning him off from the trip even though now I have worked out a plan that would make him comfortable too. But I just wanted him to spend time and see my friends from undergraduate years, I only see them once a year and they have been with me since 2005. We go to this fair every year and I have always wanted to be with someone who enjoys the company of friends both his and mine.
What should I do? Should I end it now or wait a couple of months before things look better? I am his support but I think I will be better as his friend/confidant than his gf/wife. I don't know what to do.
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Hi Susan,
September 22, 2011 - 8:34amSince you know the entire background of my story, I had a question. I am considering and am almost at a brink of either getting a break from (which is somehow happening coincidentally as #2 lives in Michigan) or breaking (up) from him. However, because I am currently stationed at home working on my thesis without any contact from my professors etc, I am having anxiety from that as well in the background thus I am afraid that I am not rushing into anything.
We haven't seen each other in almost a month. The last two times I have flown to Michigan. One time I was there for 4 days and it was right. Second time around, his roommate had changed locks on him and he had moved to my apartment. For two weeks that I was there, he was always complaining about the 2 hour drive and whenever he would come home, he would be too tired. The last day he had a meltdown as his ex had called him telling me that my actions were reminding him of her and that he wanted no one in his life. Tired from the drama, I had said okay lets end it. I had cried and then when he came back to sleep in my room. He was telling me that he was scared, tired, and wanted to be alone. I told him that I refused to be screwed over again and told him he had a year to fix things otherwise I was calling it off. While I was packing, he had also really hurt me by saying that the worst thing is that I live here. The remark came across as being ungrateful and hurtful.
In the morning, he was kind and sweet again and apologized but the fact that my parents were coming, he freaked out and almost left our apartment. That time when he left, I was embarrassed as my parents had just arrived but minutes later, he called back and came and helped me to vacant the apartment.
Things were fine, then in the beginning he had made plans for the long weekend to come to Boston. However, his car plans had come through so he didn't come. So then I said to him that its okay, this weekend means a lot to me becuase I will be reuniting with my undergraduate friends and they have been dying to meet you. Knowing that its three weeks and that he will get good flight deals, I had made sure that he will know of this early. However, the next two weeks he avoided the issue complaining again that he will have only a day and that he will not get enough time (etc.) which I know for a fact is not true. He was now making last minute plans and complained to me last night that the flight now costed more than $500 (which was not a surprise to me but I had nothing to say to him). He called again in the night but I had nothing to say to him.
I was really disappointed and heartbroken. He is willing to fly me to MI but I don't think its fair and I don't want to be in isolation with him becasue from past experiences, I have learned that if he is separating me from my friends and family, he won't care for me enough. Its really sad because I have made a lot of difference in his life. He always realizes what he coulda/shoulda done after the main time passes away.
I don't harbor any animosity towards him. I understand that he is at a different stage of his life and I am at another. I am only 25, I want to explore the world, I want to be with a guy who keeps life simple, is a good balance of the selfish/selfless (the past two have been I think in the other extremes). I want someone who enjoys the zest of life but is not living in isolation and values what I value. Even if something doesn't mean as much to me but if it does to him, I have always adjusted with not just him but with almost every guy I have been with. But it seems that none of them possess the key to fight for me or make things work (maybe because I invest a lot into them, so much so that people like my ex- who didn't have anyone at one point of time had me too spend time with him but when push came to shove, he rejected me point-blank claiming commitment etc) when I loved him so much I strained my relationship with my mom for him.
In the past 25 years, I have invested a lot in my relationships and never received anything back. I am tired of it. My goal is to one day become a professor of Indian litrature and women's studies literature from India to unearth the marginalized voices from the country and show their ability to create change in the world. Its what I have worked for. I just am amazed that despite putting in so much effort (which I think is important in any relationship, why can't I receive that back?) The last time he came, he drove 13 hours to see me but freaked out because he saw that I was close to my family and had to respect their wishes as well. I think thats what is turning him off from the trip even though now I have worked out a plan that would make him comfortable too. But I just wanted him to spend time and see my friends from undergraduate years, I only see them once a year and they have been with me since 2005. We go to this fair every year and I have always wanted to be with someone who enjoys the company of friends both his and mine.
What should I do? Should I end it now or wait a couple of months before things look better? I am his support but I think I will be better as his friend/confidant than his gf/wife. I don't know what to do.
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