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EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

I have to tell you, this article touches me because it is so unbelievably accurate to my life. EVERY WORD is accurate. Every word used. I feel imprisoned and I am not sure what to do. On one hand I stay because my children need what I was never given: stability. I am the child of an abusive alcoholic and his enabler, I am biracial and was never liked by either side; too dark for the one, too light for the other. I was bullied by girls as a young woman because we were poor, I was never dressed well and was always the new girl...and was painfully shy. Long story short, but I am an only child, and my Dad was quite clear on binges (he was a mean drunk) that I was supposed to be male, since only men make men. So I ran as soon as I turned 18 to the Army and ended up marrying the first guy that was nice to me, and I have been married for almost 26 years. I was going to leave a long time ago when he read my journal but my Dad told me that I had made my bed and I needed to lie in it. So I have. If you met him you would love him, he is outgoing, very friendly to all he meets...he never meets a stranger. Everyone, and i mean everyone, loves him. Women in our church told me that I could leave, just let him stay. Imagine how that felt. See, the problem is, we see him behind closed doors. We see who he really is, the person he REALLY is. Not the show you all see, because that is what it is; a show. He is the guy that will have drinks with you and put draino in your shampoo to make your hair fall out, and chuckle about it. And all the time you would have him over for barbq and think what a wonderful guy this is, and you would probably think I am the PRICK because I am actually a real person that does no put on a facade. I will not go into detail in regard to our relationship, but your article is truth, and I am not sure what to do or where to go. Adding to this, I am a cancer survivor and suffer from aggressive RA and need medical insurance, so my decisions are not as easy as just getting up and leaving. And you add my children and the fact that I believe in God and take my vows seriously. But I am simply miserable, my life is walking on eggshells.... doing everything I can to change myself, doing everything I can to keep a peaceful environment for my children. What will make him happy, how to make him happy. I never, ever complain. Ever. I id on Sat and wow, did I pay for it, he chewed me out and as always, would have left had I not become tired of it. He knows I have abandonment issues from my own Dad and he preys upon them, he will tell me quick "I'll just leave"....anytime he may not get his way. I have been blamed for everything from his lack of happiness to his being an ahole to his genetics in the past, he even created an online persona so that "person" could REALLY tell me what he thought about me...and boy, did they ever. The cruelty in the words that came from the IMs and emails of that "person" I have never been able to get over or forget. They were spitting with pure venom, calling me a bad mother, human being, wife, everything but a child of God. Our house is peaceful....as long as I never complain or disagree. As long as he is in complete control and I am the humble, meek wife its all good. I just do not know me anymore, and I dread intimacy. At the same time, I look towards a life of never owning a home, never really moving forward. Its the same thing with me, I think I shut my mind to things. I did not realize that I was sexually abused by my uncle until I was in my 30s. Why would I, it was the only time I had ever felt loved, as sick as that sounds. But the honest truth is, the only "love" I remember is when my uncle did very bad things when I was 8 years old, so it was hard to see them as bad. But again....until then, we were evicted every few months, my dad beat my mom and did drugs, ran with other women, my mom resented me for keeping her in the relationship, noone really loved me because they hated my dad so much and i was too mexican for the whites and too white for the mexicans....so for someone to tell me that i was beautiful and a good girl, i just ate it up to be honest. And now I am more lonely than I have ever been, completely isolated., and I have to find my way with my babies. I just don't know how.

December 5, 2016 - 12:16pm

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