I have been married for 5 years. I admittedly ignored all of the red flags. My husband before we were married was very persistent, in the beginning he sent several text messages a day, messages about wanting to be with me, be married, this was before our first date. Me and my friend called him 'the texter'. The first phone call we had was normal, he stated we would get together the next week, but I didn't hear back from him. A few months later I received a phone call from him, I asked what had happened to him, the stated he had been out of town (found out later this was a lie); during the phone call he became irate and angry, and later blamed his behavior on being on hydrocodone for a back injury. I didn't speak to him again until a few months later. He was calm and pleasant, we went on our first date, when we were discussing the date, I asked if was going to pick me up, but he stated he did not have a car, I just responded, oh you don't have a car, He responded, "oh what, you don't want to date me because I don't have a car, you think you're better than me" I responded I just asked a question. I picked him up for our first date and it went well, he was pleasant, attentive, we spent the next day at the park and went to see fireworks afterwards, he was so charming, but he pushed for sex right away, and I gave in, because he 'made me feel so special'. From there we started dating, I had a key to his apartment. I saw how he lived, but did not want to be judgmental. I grew up in a small town, went to college, had a nice apartment. He grew up in Gary, In, had been involved in gangs and the street life. He lived like a gypsy, going from place to place, never really settled down, mismatched furniture, sheets for curtains, a very filthy bathroom, he smoked cigarettes, but I did not want to be judgemental of the way he lived. The first time I saw his 'mr.hyde' side I had tried to end the relationship. On a Friday night he had called and left a voicemail that he was going out with his friends, I tried to reach him the next day but he would not answer his phone. A friend of his came by stating that my then boyfriend could be in some trouble. I panicked and called the police about a possible missing person, I was so worried, I called around to the friends I knew (he has other 'friends). I went to our job, we worked for the same company, and was asking if anyone had heard from him, this is when a coworker of mine, pulled me to the side and said I need to talk to you. The coworker told me, my boyfriend had done the same thing to another woman he was romantically involved with, my boyfriend would disappear for days at a time with no word or communication. I was shocked and hurt. I went to his apartment to wait for him, I shows up Monday morning acting like nothing was wrong. I told how worried I had been and about learning he did this to another woman, I said that I would not be treated like that- he went off, he had a cold and evil look in his eyes and cursed me out, I gathered up the few things he had at my place and took them to him, he continued to talk negative to me, blaming me for involving people at the job and was mad that I had called the police. I thought it was over. A few weeks go by and he calls me crying, begging to forgive him, I made the mistake of doing just that, and even went further into stupid land and married him. Before the marriage several disturbing things showed up: women that i did not know messaged me on facebook telling me not to marry him, she knew intimate things about him, I confronted him about this, he denied knowing the woman. Women were sending him naked pictures, He was heavy into pornography, I helped him clean out his apartment before we moved in together and found letters and notes from other woman and they all talked about his talking to them about marriage. I rationalized all this away, "he is different with me" and went ahead an married him. I found out about his marijuana use on our first trip to his home town Gary, Indiana. In the hotel room, he pulled out a huge bag of marijuana and was rolling it up into joints, I went off, I told him how could he do this, he could jeopardize my license if we caught with this, he did not care, he basically just played it off, he does not believe that marijuana is a drug. He was working at the time we were married, but it did not take long for him to be fired for failing to follow a rule at work and he was angry. He lost his job in 2012. I wasn't worried, from his resume he had always worked somewhere, so I was sure he would be back to working in no time. Since then he has 3 or 4 short term jobs and EACH of them he blames the company for either treating him wrong or want him to do something he doesn't want to do. He has had various fantasies of opening a restaurant, having a food truck, becoming a truck driver, going back to school for mechanics, each dream I would try to support, I would start looking of applying for food license, looking for loans for a semi-truck, download training manuals, I never once ridiculed his 'ideas' I told him over and over, I support what ever you want to do. I have completed job applications for him. What does he do? He is an excellent cook, he cooks, but doesn't really clean, he will wash the dishes, clothes sometimes but most of the time just, cooks, watches tv, gets high/smoke, stays in his room all day night. He occasionally "goes out for a drive" he will stay gone for hours, because "he is tired of being cooped up in the house all day" , never crosses his mind that he should be out during the day looking for a job (i don't say this). Thru out our marriage, he would have periods of going off suddenly, blaming me for him not having a job, or that I make him feel like a child because he has to ask for money. He doesn't communicate, he gives me the 'silent treatment' When I see he is visibly upset and I ask him what's wrong, he just looks at me and stalks off. When we talk, he will just cut off the conversation when he doesn't feel like talking anymore, he will just walk away or turn up the volume on the tv and not look at me. He is very angry, when driving he curses and speeds threatening, he likes to watch tv shows that are angry and degrading towards women. I am writing now because he physically attacked me for the first time 2 days ago, he had been grumpy, mean and cold for a few days, and I went to him to ask if there is something I did, he just went off the handle grabbed me and threw me down on the couch and was shaking me and screaming, he charged out punching holes in the wall. I was terrified and called the police. They came but did not arrest him because I did not have any visible wounds. I spent the night in a hotel, he did not call or text until the next day, stating he was sorry. I went home and we 'talked, I mean he dumped all his stored up frustrations with me, that I don't value him, that I don't listen to him or obey his ideas, but he was saying all this in a yelling angry manner , he brought up the fact that i had fixed my car, but not his car. I admit I used some of the money (from my loan) to buy other things for the house, and there was only enough to buy some of the parts to his car. This was over a month ago, at the time I told him we could use my other card to get the parts for his card and at that time he didn't' say anything, when I brought this up, he denied that I ever said this to him. I told him, I can't go back in the past, so let's move forward, tell me how much you need for your parts so I get the money together, he just stalked off angry and upset. A few hours later, I was sitting in my business chair, he walked up behind me and felt very anxious, he said in a low, cold voice, "so you don't love me anymore". I turned around and did not see any love in his eyes. I told him that I was terrified when he attacked me the other day, he just looked at me with a confused look, went on to say he was frustrated, i stated that does not excuse what you did, I stated he is not even truly sorry what he did, he just kept going back to I should not be so upset, this was the first time he did something like this, but it's no big deal, I should not have called the cops, I should know he would never hurt me. I told him what you did DID hurt me, and I told that now i am scared of him, he replied with throwing up his hands "Then why I am here, if you are scared". No apologies, no empathy for what i told him, I told him what he did was abusive and what he is doing now is abusive. I told him that it is never ok to take your frustrations out like he did, that he speaks to me in angry mean ways, I said real love does not act like that, he just looked at me disgusted and just walked away. Now I am hurt, confused, have startle responses at noises, trouble falling asleep afraid he is going to do something to me in my sleep. I want to believe that things are not that bad, I want to own up to my part I play, I don't know what to do from here.
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I have been married for 5 years. I admittedly ignored all of the red flags. My husband before we were married was very persistent, in the beginning he sent several text messages a day, messages about wanting to be with me, be married, this was before our first date. Me and my friend called him 'the texter'. The first phone call we had was normal, he stated we would get together the next week, but I didn't hear back from him. A few months later I received a phone call from him, I asked what had happened to him, the stated he had been out of town (found out later this was a lie); during the phone call he became irate and angry, and later blamed his behavior on being on hydrocodone for a back injury. I didn't speak to him again until a few months later. He was calm and pleasant, we went on our first date, when we were discussing the date, I asked if was going to pick me up, but he stated he did not have a car, I just responded, oh you don't have a car, He responded, "oh what, you don't want to date me because I don't have a car, you think you're better than me" I responded I just asked a question. I picked him up for our first date and it went well, he was pleasant, attentive, we spent the next day at the park and went to see fireworks afterwards, he was so charming, but he pushed for sex right away, and I gave in, because he 'made me feel so special'. From there we started dating, I had a key to his apartment. I saw how he lived, but did not want to be judgmental. I grew up in a small town, went to college, had a nice apartment. He grew up in Gary, In, had been involved in gangs and the street life. He lived like a gypsy, going from place to place, never really settled down, mismatched furniture, sheets for curtains, a very filthy bathroom, he smoked cigarettes, but I did not want to be judgemental of the way he lived. The first time I saw his 'mr.hyde' side I had tried to end the relationship. On a Friday night he had called and left a voicemail that he was going out with his friends, I tried to reach him the next day but he would not answer his phone. A friend of his came by stating that my then boyfriend could be in some trouble. I panicked and called the police about a possible missing person, I was so worried, I called around to the friends I knew (he has other 'friends). I went to our job, we worked for the same company, and was asking if anyone had heard from him, this is when a coworker of mine, pulled me to the side and said I need to talk to you. The coworker told me, my boyfriend had done the same thing to another woman he was romantically involved with, my boyfriend would disappear for days at a time with no word or communication. I was shocked and hurt. I went to his apartment to wait for him, I shows up Monday morning acting like nothing was wrong. I told how worried I had been and about learning he did this to another woman, I said that I would not be treated like that- he went off, he had a cold and evil look in his eyes and cursed me out, I gathered up the few things he had at my place and took them to him, he continued to talk negative to me, blaming me for involving people at the job and was mad that I had called the police. I thought it was over. A few weeks go by and he calls me crying, begging to forgive him, I made the mistake of doing just that, and even went further into stupid land and married him. Before the marriage several disturbing things showed up: women that i did not know messaged me on facebook telling me not to marry him, she knew intimate things about him, I confronted him about this, he denied knowing the woman. Women were sending him naked pictures, He was heavy into pornography, I helped him clean out his apartment before we moved in together and found letters and notes from other woman and they all talked about his talking to them about marriage. I rationalized all this away, "he is different with me" and went ahead an married him. I found out about his marijuana use on our first trip to his home town Gary, Indiana. In the hotel room, he pulled out a huge bag of marijuana and was rolling it up into joints, I went off, I told him how could he do this, he could jeopardize my license if we caught with this, he did not care, he basically just played it off, he does not believe that marijuana is a drug. He was working at the time we were married, but it did not take long for him to be fired for failing to follow a rule at work and he was angry. He lost his job in 2012. I wasn't worried, from his resume he had always worked somewhere, so I was sure he would be back to working in no time. Since then he has 3 or 4 short term jobs and EACH of them he blames the company for either treating him wrong or want him to do something he doesn't want to do. He has had various fantasies of opening a restaurant, having a food truck, becoming a truck driver, going back to school for mechanics, each dream I would try to support, I would start looking of applying for food license, looking for loans for a semi-truck, download training manuals, I never once ridiculed his 'ideas' I told him over and over, I support what ever you want to do. I have completed job applications for him. What does he do? He is an excellent cook, he cooks, but doesn't really clean, he will wash the dishes, clothes sometimes but most of the time just, cooks, watches tv, gets high/smoke, stays in his room all day night. He occasionally "goes out for a drive" he will stay gone for hours, because "he is tired of being cooped up in the house all day" , never crosses his mind that he should be out during the day looking for a job (i don't say this). Thru out our marriage, he would have periods of going off suddenly, blaming me for him not having a job, or that I make him feel like a child because he has to ask for money. He doesn't communicate, he gives me the 'silent treatment' When I see he is visibly upset and I ask him what's wrong, he just looks at me and stalks off. When we talk, he will just cut off the conversation when he doesn't feel like talking anymore, he will just walk away or turn up the volume on the tv and not look at me. He is very angry, when driving he curses and speeds threatening, he likes to watch tv shows that are angry and degrading towards women. I am writing now because he physically attacked me for the first time 2 days ago, he had been grumpy, mean and cold for a few days, and I went to him to ask if there is something I did, he just went off the handle grabbed me and threw me down on the couch and was shaking me and screaming, he charged out punching holes in the wall. I was terrified and called the police. They came but did not arrest him because I did not have any visible wounds. I spent the night in a hotel, he did not call or text until the next day, stating he was sorry. I went home and we 'talked, I mean he dumped all his stored up frustrations with me, that I don't value him, that I don't listen to him or obey his ideas, but he was saying all this in a yelling angry manner , he brought up the fact that i had fixed my car, but not his car. I admit I used some of the money (from my loan) to buy other things for the house, and there was only enough to buy some of the parts to his car. This was over a month ago, at the time I told him we could use my other card to get the parts for his card and at that time he didn't' say anything, when I brought this up, he denied that I ever said this to him. I told him, I can't go back in the past, so let's move forward, tell me how much you need for your parts so I get the money together, he just stalked off angry and upset. A few hours later, I was sitting in my business chair, he walked up behind me and felt very anxious, he said in a low, cold voice, "so you don't love me anymore". I turned around and did not see any love in his eyes. I told him that I was terrified when he attacked me the other day, he just looked at me with a confused look, went on to say he was frustrated, i stated that does not excuse what you did, I stated he is not even truly sorry what he did, he just kept going back to I should not be so upset, this was the first time he did something like this, but it's no big deal, I should not have called the cops, I should know he would never hurt me. I told him what you did DID hurt me, and I told that now i am scared of him, he replied with throwing up his hands "Then why I am here, if you are scared". No apologies, no empathy for what i told him, I told him what he did was abusive and what he is doing now is abusive. I told him that it is never ok to take your frustrations out like he did, that he speaks to me in angry mean ways, I said real love does not act like that, he just looked at me disgusted and just walked away. Now I am hurt, confused, have startle responses at noises, trouble falling asleep afraid he is going to do something to me in my sleep. I want to believe that things are not that bad, I want to own up to my part I play, I don't know what to do from here.
October 23, 2015 - 6:02amThis Comment
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