I am so sorry you are going through this. I was also diagnosed with Epilepsy (although it turned out to be seizures caused by a benign brain tumor I was born with and by the grace of God, I was eventually healed and no longer have the seizures) so I can relate to what you are saying. I met someone in 9th grade and by Christmas of 10th grade we were dating. We were each others first serious relationship and by the time I was 19 and he was 20 we were married. I did not know what anything but physical abuse looked like back then but I thought he was mean to me even before we got married but I had low self-confidence and self-esteem (although some people would argue the point with me as they did not see my insecurity the way I did)and was afraid that if I did not continue with the relationship, I would never get married because why would someone want to really be with someone that was disabled. I did not believe that I had any other option so I stayed in the relationship. Then the day came when my Dad passed away and since I was the baby and Daddy's little girl (my Dad was also disabled and we spent many sick days on the couch together so we had a special relationship besides I think he thought he was responsible for my seizures so he treated me extra-specially)and I took it kind of hard. My boyfriend who lost his Mother when he was 6 years old from breast cancer could not stand no being the center of attention and I think he saw my grief as weakness and slapped me in the face(in his words) to wake me up because he needed to get me to snap out of it. Snap out of it!!! Can you believe it!!! I wish I knew then what I know now, that if a man hits a woman once, he will definately do it again. Well I do not think I really need to say it but it did happen several more times over the next 7 years of our marriage. I finally got the nerve up to tell him that it better not ever happen again because it will be the last. I told him that I am counting the first time he hit me before we got married, and the last time but I am going to give him grace for all the times in between because I felt we both were at fault for some of the times in between because of our horrible arguing. Another 6 years went by and it happened again. That was it. I was now done because it happened 3 years after I had brain surgery to remove the tumor that was causing my seizures. You would think that he would just be happy he no longer had a wife who was sick but had one that was healed. Wow. He misunderstood some things during that time (figments of his imagination) and treated me worse, negleting me (he had a job the last 4 years of our marriage that kept him on the road for 6-8 weeks at a time and when I would ask him when he was getting off the road and getting a job here he would either get angry and abuse me by telling me things like he thought I was different from other women. What he meant was "I thought that you would be okay with me never being home and letting me do what I want because I am the man of the house and you are just a wife". Since I had also been cleared by my neurologist and neurosurgeon to go ahead and start a family if I wanted (they knew I did). Unfortunately he did not go to the last few of my doctor appointments because he was punishing me (I did not find this out until after we were divorced)so he did not have the information and another way he abused me was he would not talk to me about working on our relationship. To me that was1)he had to get off the road, 2)he had to get a job here (locally), 3)we had to go to christiam marriage counseling, 4)he had to take a more active, more responsible role in the marriage, and last but not least 5)we had one child by the time I was 35 (within that year). He refused. He thought I would crumble and continue to allow him to neglect me and our relationship/marriage and not make any positive changes. Wrong! Fortunately a friend of mine from church had Dr. James Dobson's book "Love Must Be Tough" sent to me. I read it and decided it was time to put it into practice. I was not mean but I did stand up for myself and he did not know what hit him. He thought I was being mean to him (just because I put the ball back in his court and did not crumble to his childish tantrum because he as a spoiled brat did not want to have to do something he did not think he had to. He thought since the woman was the lesser in the relationship, she had to appease him. I finally got tired of it and when he refused to do anything to work on the marriage, I told him he could not live there anymore. I told him he had to do those things I stated before to be able to stay. He heard that I said that he had to leave and I never said that. Because he saw the abuse as him at the receiving end and not the abuser in this case, he finally left even though I told him "that if he leaves this time, he cannot come back and that if he divorces me, he will never get another chance". He did not believe this because I made the unfortunate mistake in telling him that if anything every happened to us and were no longer together or even if we were with other people, to come to me and we would talk and I would do the christian thing and take him back because we would need to forgive each other so that when the time comes, we would also be forgiven. What he did not know is that withing the next few minutes after I said that when he answered me with "Oh?" I knew then I would never take him back because I felt that he saw this as an okay from me that he would be with other women and I would still take him back. I was not going to put up with that no matter what I said before because up to that point, he had already gone too far. I was done. When he finally left, he wasted no time and had called his attorney and had him start the divorce proceedings within the hour after he left. He difinately wasted no time. I was estadic. I did not want a divorce or even a separation because I took my marriage vows seriously, unlike him. I wish I took his avoidance on things more as him not committing to the relationship/marriage. I did not understand this back when we were dating. I know enough now that if I had a daughter and her boyfriend was treating her the same way I was treated by his non-committing attitude, I would tell her to run, not walk as fast as she could in the opposite direction to get as far away from him as she could.
We have now been divorced 24 years next month and I have lost my disability I was on, could not get consistant, substantial, gainful employment to support myself, so I had to give up my place and ended up losing everything to my name. Not only did my husband turn his back on me but the rest of my family did also. I ended up having to go to a shelter and bounced between them and transitional housing for the better part of the next 6 years. Now I have a place but because I still am not working and have not been approved for disability for the 2nd time because of my bad health but was finally able to get housing. Unfortunately the place I am now living is less than 1/2 the size of the 698 square foot house I grew up in and lived in with my ex-husband so again I have had to be the one that has had to make the changes because he did not want to do what he should be doing.
I find it interesting that a lot of people do not see the emotional abuse that women receive by their husbands as actual abuse. I find that older women see it as the woman's place to submit to their husbands, that it is what a woman is suppose to do. I am really surprised that they do not think that they are entitled to be shown honor and respect and be treated like a lady on a daily basis. I am still single because although I have met quite a few men on the way that are interested in a relationship with me, I have not met one that foots the bill. I would prefer to live the rest of my life out without a marriage partner than be in another abusive relationship so I stay single. I have made the mistake in letting a few men in but when I see that it is just the past repeating itself, I run, do not walk the other way. I got to the point that I felt like I had a sign on my back saying that to pick me, that I would let them abuse me.
All I can say about your disability is, to keep telling your story until someone hears it. The first time I was on disbility, I was just 18 and was put on SSI because I could not work. When I got married I got off and worked for several years with my seizures (because my ex's family saw my SSI as welfare and I had to show them (in reality, him telling me this was his way of playing mind games so that I would go to work and get off SSI. Dummy and his ignorant step-mother did not know that you could not get married and stay on SSI). Anyway, the second time I was on disability I applied and was denied because the doctor they sent me to said I could work. I called them back and told them they needed to send me to a different doctor because that one did not know what he was talking about and that I had my current doctors on my side and would back up my disability claim. I went to that doctor and he ask me why I was there that day, so I told him what happened with the other doctor and that my doctors would back me up and so he told me he tended to agree with me and would refer me for disability. It was approved immediately and I began receiving my money the next month. I do not know the type of seizures you have or how strong they are or how often you have them but you need to make sure that you tell them if they cause you to fall, or if you have fallen or almost fallen while you were at work or going through your day. I did not mention it the first time that I almost fell backwards in a clerical chair when I was at work and if there was not a wall behind me, I could have fallen and hit my head. I also ended up telling them of another time I fell on company property but at an afterhours function. Sorry for going on and getting off topic but I wanted to tell my story to help someone else.
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I am so sorry you are going through this. I was also diagnosed with Epilepsy (although it turned out to be seizures caused by a benign brain tumor I was born with and by the grace of God, I was eventually healed and no longer have the seizures) so I can relate to what you are saying. I met someone in 9th grade and by Christmas of 10th grade we were dating. We were each others first serious relationship and by the time I was 19 and he was 20 we were married. I did not know what anything but physical abuse looked like back then but I thought he was mean to me even before we got married but I had low self-confidence and self-esteem (although some people would argue the point with me as they did not see my insecurity the way I did)and was afraid that if I did not continue with the relationship, I would never get married because why would someone want to really be with someone that was disabled. I did not believe that I had any other option so I stayed in the relationship. Then the day came when my Dad passed away and since I was the baby and Daddy's little girl (my Dad was also disabled and we spent many sick days on the couch together so we had a special relationship besides I think he thought he was responsible for my seizures so he treated me extra-specially)and I took it kind of hard. My boyfriend who lost his Mother when he was 6 years old from breast cancer could not stand no being the center of attention and I think he saw my grief as weakness and slapped me in the face(in his words) to wake me up because he needed to get me to snap out of it. Snap out of it!!! Can you believe it!!! I wish I knew then what I know now, that if a man hits a woman once, he will definately do it again. Well I do not think I really need to say it but it did happen several more times over the next 7 years of our marriage. I finally got the nerve up to tell him that it better not ever happen again because it will be the last. I told him that I am counting the first time he hit me before we got married, and the last time but I am going to give him grace for all the times in between because I felt we both were at fault for some of the times in between because of our horrible arguing. Another 6 years went by and it happened again. That was it. I was now done because it happened 3 years after I had brain surgery to remove the tumor that was causing my seizures. You would think that he would just be happy he no longer had a wife who was sick but had one that was healed. Wow. He misunderstood some things during that time (figments of his imagination) and treated me worse, negleting me (he had a job the last 4 years of our marriage that kept him on the road for 6-8 weeks at a time and when I would ask him when he was getting off the road and getting a job here he would either get angry and abuse me by telling me things like he thought I was different from other women. What he meant was "I thought that you would be okay with me never being home and letting me do what I want because I am the man of the house and you are just a wife". Since I had also been cleared by my neurologist and neurosurgeon to go ahead and start a family if I wanted (they knew I did). Unfortunately he did not go to the last few of my doctor appointments because he was punishing me (I did not find this out until after we were divorced)so he did not have the information and another way he abused me was he would not talk to me about working on our relationship. To me that was1)he had to get off the road, 2)he had to get a job here (locally), 3)we had to go to christiam marriage counseling, 4)he had to take a more active, more responsible role in the marriage, and last but not least 5)we had one child by the time I was 35 (within that year). He refused. He thought I would crumble and continue to allow him to neglect me and our relationship/marriage and not make any positive changes. Wrong! Fortunately a friend of mine from church had Dr. James Dobson's book "Love Must Be Tough" sent to me. I read it and decided it was time to put it into practice. I was not mean but I did stand up for myself and he did not know what hit him. He thought I was being mean to him (just because I put the ball back in his court and did not crumble to his childish tantrum because he as a spoiled brat did not want to have to do something he did not think he had to. He thought since the woman was the lesser in the relationship, she had to appease him. I finally got tired of it and when he refused to do anything to work on the marriage, I told him he could not live there anymore. I told him he had to do those things I stated before to be able to stay. He heard that I said that he had to leave and I never said that. Because he saw the abuse as him at the receiving end and not the abuser in this case, he finally left even though I told him "that if he leaves this time, he cannot come back and that if he divorces me, he will never get another chance". He did not believe this because I made the unfortunate mistake in telling him that if anything every happened to us and were no longer together or even if we were with other people, to come to me and we would talk and I would do the christian thing and take him back because we would need to forgive each other so that when the time comes, we would also be forgiven. What he did not know is that withing the next few minutes after I said that when he answered me with "Oh?" I knew then I would never take him back because I felt that he saw this as an okay from me that he would be with other women and I would still take him back. I was not going to put up with that no matter what I said before because up to that point, he had already gone too far. I was done. When he finally left, he wasted no time and had called his attorney and had him start the divorce proceedings within the hour after he left. He difinately wasted no time. I was estadic. I did not want a divorce or even a separation because I took my marriage vows seriously, unlike him. I wish I took his avoidance on things more as him not committing to the relationship/marriage. I did not understand this back when we were dating. I know enough now that if I had a daughter and her boyfriend was treating her the same way I was treated by his non-committing attitude, I would tell her to run, not walk as fast as she could in the opposite direction to get as far away from him as she could.
We have now been divorced 24 years next month and I have lost my disability I was on, could not get consistant, substantial, gainful employment to support myself, so I had to give up my place and ended up losing everything to my name. Not only did my husband turn his back on me but the rest of my family did also. I ended up having to go to a shelter and bounced between them and transitional housing for the better part of the next 6 years. Now I have a place but because I still am not working and have not been approved for disability for the 2nd time because of my bad health but was finally able to get housing. Unfortunately the place I am now living is less than 1/2 the size of the 698 square foot house I grew up in and lived in with my ex-husband so again I have had to be the one that has had to make the changes because he did not want to do what he should be doing.
I find it interesting that a lot of people do not see the emotional abuse that women receive by their husbands as actual abuse. I find that older women see it as the woman's place to submit to their husbands, that it is what a woman is suppose to do. I am really surprised that they do not think that they are entitled to be shown honor and respect and be treated like a lady on a daily basis. I am still single because although I have met quite a few men on the way that are interested in a relationship with me, I have not met one that foots the bill. I would prefer to live the rest of my life out without a marriage partner than be in another abusive relationship so I stay single. I have made the mistake in letting a few men in but when I see that it is just the past repeating itself, I run, do not walk the other way. I got to the point that I felt like I had a sign on my back saying that to pick me, that I would let them abuse me.
All I can say about your disability is, to keep telling your story until someone hears it. The first time I was on disbility, I was just 18 and was put on SSI because I could not work. When I got married I got off and worked for several years with my seizures (because my ex's family saw my SSI as welfare and I had to show them (in reality, him telling me this was his way of playing mind games so that I would go to work and get off SSI. Dummy and his ignorant step-mother did not know that you could not get married and stay on SSI). Anyway, the second time I was on disability I applied and was denied because the doctor they sent me to said I could work. I called them back and told them they needed to send me to a different doctor because that one did not know what he was talking about and that I had my current doctors on my side and would back up my disability claim. I went to that doctor and he ask me why I was there that day, so I told him what happened with the other doctor and that my doctors would back me up and so he told me he tended to agree with me and would refer me for disability. It was approved immediately and I began receiving my money the next month. I do not know the type of seizures you have or how strong they are or how often you have them but you need to make sure that you tell them if they cause you to fall, or if you have fallen or almost fallen while you were at work or going through your day. I did not mention it the first time that I almost fell backwards in a clerical chair when I was at work and if there was not a wall behind me, I could have fallen and hit my head. I also ended up telling them of another time I fell on company property but at an afterhours function. Sorry for going on and getting off topic but I wanted to tell my story to help someone else.
September 23, 2015 - 11:48pmThis Comment
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