I have been in a relationship with my husband for 11 years, married for 5. I will start by saying that he is a very sweet person. Very loving and affectionate. He loves to cuddle with me, and tells me he loves me and that I am beautiful all the time. He gives me hugs all the time, which I love, or I did love up until about a year ago. Now, his periods of warmth and affection have a negative emotional effect on me. Our relationship's downward spiral began about 3 years ago. I had started to realize that while he had dreams about building his own business, and I shared his dreams, he was not making any real effort to pursue those dreams. Instead, he has bound himself to the same job he had when he was 15. He loves his job, but hates not having "control" in the company. He is an instructor, and has been for a long time, so he is accustomed to being in control, and thrives on it. Any new situation where he is not in control, he gets irritable. He does not really try to control ME, but he does believe that his way is best, in just about everything. He seems convinced that if he were president, he would be able to solve all our country's problems---as an example. Anyhow, over the years, as he has gotten more frustrated with his job, he has become increasingly short-tempered. His issues with his job are not the only things. I have spent years observing his behavior and have ultimately figured it out. He was given everything on a silver platter as a child, and his parents still support us financially, so he has no real reason to change his circumstances. He has a house that he doesn't have to pay full price for, a wife who enables him, and a job that doesn't pay much, but keeps him as an authority figure. He has no reason to change. I have begged him to move forward in his life, and make it his own. To seize the day, and live his dream. I have told him that I would quit my own job and work beside him if it meant he would start his own company. He has promised to change, to get another job, to open his own company, for YEARS. But it has never happened. When I would confront him about it, he would blame me for never keeping the house clean, and how he doesn't feel any motivation when the house is a mess. At first I took that argument to heart, but now I realize that I am busting my hump every day to contribute to our relationship financially, and he spends most of his time on video games---another fake means of maintaining control. I know now that his accusations of me being the one to hold him back are way WAY off. He gives weak excuses, but I don't argue with him anymore. I have shut myself off emotionally, because I am tired of confronting him, only to get cut off, or endure a lousy or painful excuse. I am stripped of any desire to make efforts to help him, because I know he will not change. He will not change until it is absolutely critical for survival. And even then, I don't know if it would be enough. He would rather go hungry than make himself a PBJ. I read this article appreciating the insight that abuse does not need to be visible, or obvious, to be present. I am feeling the abuse from my current emotional and mental state. I feel that if I continue to hope for progress in our life together, I will be let down AGAIN and again. I am dreading the day when I have to leave him, and yet I can't wait for it, because I am dying inside. When he looks at me with those lovey dovey eyes, and opens his arms to me, I have to put on a fake happy face, and accept it. What am I going to do, get mad at him because he wants to hug me? Its like dealing with a schizophrenic--- wanting to enjoy one personality, but knowing that another less pleasant one will be on its way soon. I know that the beautiful human being is still there, but he is throwing his life away, and I can't stand it. I am basically just biding my time until I have the means to leave. It is extremely emotionally exhausting. I have had occasional panic attacks (or a combination of shortness of breath and elevated heart rate), and once in a while I feel the need to cry, but usually don't let it out. I think about divorce all the time, often when I am right next to him. He has no idea, or at least he does not let on. He KNOWS how I feel because I have told him for years. But like I said, I have stopped bugging him, because I have accepted that nothing I have done has made any difference. He will only change when it is absolutely necessary. And after having made one weak attempt to leave him, I know now that even I am not enough. I will leave, but I need to get my finances together. I had wanted to have kids with him, and live happily ever after, but I needed him to grow up first. I did not want to go from taking care of him, to taking care of him and our kids. I didn't want to bring innocent kids into the picture when I had no guarantee that he would change. And at this point, I am very glad that I stuck with that decision. I am here today because I think I am dealing with emotional abuse, but not to the extreme that others have. I am not quite sure if his treatment of me actually falls into the emotional abuse category, but I tell you, I sure feel emotionally and mentally beaten into the ground. It comes from years of dedication to someone who is self-aware (I think that was the term?) and not ready to move on. I didn't know in the beginning how stuck in place he would be. I saw him as a strong dominant man who would take care of me, but I was wrong. He was not ready for a wife, I don't think. He needed time to grow up, and never really got that stage, no thanks to his parents. They enabled the heck out of him, and I just took over. As a friend told me, not too long ago, he needs to hit rock bottom before he will change. I don't know what will happen when I make the move to leave him, but I hope he chooses to change instead of wallowing in self-pity. Even if he had some sort of revelation and changed completely tomorrow, I would have difficulty absorbing that change, and would not be able to re-build respect for him as easily as he would prefer. I have lost respect for him, and have lost hope for our marriage. It is a very difficult process day in and day out, knowing I am leaving, and wondering how I am going to get through it. I look at him, and he is so sweet and loving, and has no idea that he signed his own death warrant. Am I being emotionally abused? I have to believe after enduring YEARS of broken promises from her husband to change his life, a wife is going to become worn down and emotionally broken. That is how I feel--- like I have been forced to emotionally shut down, so I don't get let down again, and endure that pain again. He is a good man, but apparently he is not the man for me, because I feel so terrible every day, for over a year now. Anyone deal with this? Anyone have advice or input? Thanks.
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I have been in a relationship with my husband for 11 years, married for 5. I will start by saying that he is a very sweet person. Very loving and affectionate. He loves to cuddle with me, and tells me he loves me and that I am beautiful all the time. He gives me hugs all the time, which I love, or I did love up until about a year ago. Now, his periods of warmth and affection have a negative emotional effect on me. Our relationship's downward spiral began about 3 years ago. I had started to realize that while he had dreams about building his own business, and I shared his dreams, he was not making any real effort to pursue those dreams. Instead, he has bound himself to the same job he had when he was 15. He loves his job, but hates not having "control" in the company. He is an instructor, and has been for a long time, so he is accustomed to being in control, and thrives on it. Any new situation where he is not in control, he gets irritable. He does not really try to control ME, but he does believe that his way is best, in just about everything. He seems convinced that if he were president, he would be able to solve all our country's problems---as an example. Anyhow, over the years, as he has gotten more frustrated with his job, he has become increasingly short-tempered. His issues with his job are not the only things. I have spent years observing his behavior and have ultimately figured it out. He was given everything on a silver platter as a child, and his parents still support us financially, so he has no real reason to change his circumstances. He has a house that he doesn't have to pay full price for, a wife who enables him, and a job that doesn't pay much, but keeps him as an authority figure. He has no reason to change. I have begged him to move forward in his life, and make it his own. To seize the day, and live his dream. I have told him that I would quit my own job and work beside him if it meant he would start his own company. He has promised to change, to get another job, to open his own company, for YEARS. But it has never happened. When I would confront him about it, he would blame me for never keeping the house clean, and how he doesn't feel any motivation when the house is a mess. At first I took that argument to heart, but now I realize that I am busting my hump every day to contribute to our relationship financially, and he spends most of his time on video games---another fake means of maintaining control. I know now that his accusations of me being the one to hold him back are way WAY off. He gives weak excuses, but I don't argue with him anymore. I have shut myself off emotionally, because I am tired of confronting him, only to get cut off, or endure a lousy or painful excuse. I am stripped of any desire to make efforts to help him, because I know he will not change. He will not change until it is absolutely critical for survival. And even then, I don't know if it would be enough. He would rather go hungry than make himself a PBJ. I read this article appreciating the insight that abuse does not need to be visible, or obvious, to be present. I am feeling the abuse from my current emotional and mental state. I feel that if I continue to hope for progress in our life together, I will be let down AGAIN and again. I am dreading the day when I have to leave him, and yet I can't wait for it, because I am dying inside. When he looks at me with those lovey dovey eyes, and opens his arms to me, I have to put on a fake happy face, and accept it. What am I going to do, get mad at him because he wants to hug me? Its like dealing with a schizophrenic--- wanting to enjoy one personality, but knowing that another less pleasant one will be on its way soon. I know that the beautiful human being is still there, but he is throwing his life away, and I can't stand it. I am basically just biding my time until I have the means to leave. It is extremely emotionally exhausting. I have had occasional panic attacks (or a combination of shortness of breath and elevated heart rate), and once in a while I feel the need to cry, but usually don't let it out. I think about divorce all the time, often when I am right next to him. He has no idea, or at least he does not let on. He KNOWS how I feel because I have told him for years. But like I said, I have stopped bugging him, because I have accepted that nothing I have done has made any difference. He will only change when it is absolutely necessary. And after having made one weak attempt to leave him, I know now that even I am not enough. I will leave, but I need to get my finances together. I had wanted to have kids with him, and live happily ever after, but I needed him to grow up first. I did not want to go from taking care of him, to taking care of him and our kids. I didn't want to bring innocent kids into the picture when I had no guarantee that he would change. And at this point, I am very glad that I stuck with that decision. I am here today because I think I am dealing with emotional abuse, but not to the extreme that others have. I am not quite sure if his treatment of me actually falls into the emotional abuse category, but I tell you, I sure feel emotionally and mentally beaten into the ground. It comes from years of dedication to someone who is self-aware (I think that was the term?) and not ready to move on. I didn't know in the beginning how stuck in place he would be. I saw him as a strong dominant man who would take care of me, but I was wrong. He was not ready for a wife, I don't think. He needed time to grow up, and never really got that stage, no thanks to his parents. They enabled the heck out of him, and I just took over. As a friend told me, not too long ago, he needs to hit rock bottom before he will change. I don't know what will happen when I make the move to leave him, but I hope he chooses to change instead of wallowing in self-pity. Even if he had some sort of revelation and changed completely tomorrow, I would have difficulty absorbing that change, and would not be able to re-build respect for him as easily as he would prefer. I have lost respect for him, and have lost hope for our marriage. It is a very difficult process day in and day out, knowing I am leaving, and wondering how I am going to get through it. I look at him, and he is so sweet and loving, and has no idea that he signed his own death warrant. Am I being emotionally abused? I have to believe after enduring YEARS of broken promises from her husband to change his life, a wife is going to become worn down and emotionally broken. That is how I feel--- like I have been forced to emotionally shut down, so I don't get let down again, and endure that pain again. He is a good man, but apparently he is not the man for me, because I feel so terrible every day, for over a year now. Anyone deal with this? Anyone have advice or input? Thanks.
January 18, 2015 - 12:44amThis Comment
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